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BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

Dunrobin · 500 · 138326

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Offline jrvass

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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?"

"Because my Mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your Mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."
~~~~~~~~
James
This prestigious award, has been presented to you.
Because your belly sticks out farther than your Dickey-Do!


Offline JazzBill


The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen and see if anyone was coming.

After a few seconds he rose and said "Buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger was amazed and said "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffalos coming?"

Tonto replied, "Face sticky."

 
"When in Chicago call Stockyards 1234, Ask for Ruby".


Dog Hambone

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Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux replied, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"

"Well," Clotile said,"it could be the open front door,  it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.



Offline jrvass

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Quote
Subject: Warning New Scam Targeting Women!

We should all take this seriously.

I don't how many of you shop at Sam's Club or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me and it could happen to you!! Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 30 year-old  well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk.  They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their highly defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed. It's impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start talking dirt about what they want to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!! While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!!

I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.

I'm running out of purses....
This prestigious award, has been presented to you.
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Offline Dunrobin

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A married couple having their first baby were invited to make use of a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pains to the baby's father; both were happy to try it.

The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt nothing, so the doctor increased it to 20 percent. The father said he still felt fine and his blood pressure was normal.  He invited the doctor to kick it up to 50 percent.  Still no reaction. The doctor was amazed, and he slowly transferred all the pain until the wife delivered a healthy baby, experiencing virtually no pain.

She and her husband and the doctor were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead by the front door.


Offline jrvass

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Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose habits partially blocked the view), 3 men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." 
 
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."
 
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." 

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said "Why don't you go to Hell, there aren't any nuns there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
James



This prestigious award, has been presented to you.
Because your belly sticks out farther than your Dickey-Do!


Offline jrvass

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Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?

He was half nuts.   [dance]

James
This prestigious award, has been presented to you.
Because your belly sticks out farther than your Dickey-Do!


Dog Hambone

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Blonde Calling Information:       "Operator, can you please give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator:  "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Blonde caller:   "On page 1, Section 5, of the user guide, it clearly
 states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket
 and telephone Jack before cleaning.  Now, can you please give me the number for Jack?"



Offline Giff me dat fill-em!

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What's the difference between an ordinary birthday party and a birthday party for a Bulimic?

At the Bulimic's birthday party, the cake jumps out of the girl!
The tacks won't come out! Well, they went in ... maybe they're income tacks.


Offline JazzBill

Q-Whats the difference between a dead lawyer in the middle of the road, and a dead dog in the middle of the road ?
A-There's skid marks in front of the dog. ;D

As a special service to some of our newer or banned members, I'll explain it so even you can understand it.( And you know who you are)

P-whatz the diffrence betwene a deed laywer inthe midle of da road and a dead Dog into the middle of the road#
A" theirs skid marx on top of the dog  >:D
"When in Chicago call Stockyards 1234, Ask for Ruby".


Offline JazzBill

How do you know if a Teamster is dead or just asleep ?
When you see the donut roll out of his hand, you know he's dead.

Whats the difference between a whinning puppy and a Teamster ?
After a few minutes the puppy will stop whinning.
"When in Chicago call Stockyards 1234, Ask for Ruby".



Dog Hambone

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady... "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?  Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."


Offline anne

Hi everyone!  Haven't posted in some time - I remember sickjoe and metaldams.  Anyone else around that started posting several years ago?  Nice being back.


Offline jrvass

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These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.  :P
~~~~~~~
James
This prestigious award, has been presented to you.
Because your belly sticks out farther than your Dickey-Do!


Pilsner Panther

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Quasimodo, the long-time bell ringer at Notre Dame Cathedral, died, and so the bishop started auditioning replacements. One man who showed up to apply for the job had no arms.

Surprised by this, the bishop asked him, "How can you ring a church bell, without any arms?" The man replied, "Just you watch me!" With that, he took a flying leap at the bell and hit it full-on with his face. Sure enough, he rang the bell, but then he staggered backwards and fell out of the steeple, falling to the ground and killing himself.

The bishop called the police, and when the Gendarmes arrived, they asked, "Did you know this man's name?"

The bishop answered, "No, but his face rings a bell!"


Offline Giff me dat fill-em!

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Sorry, Pils ... but this one HAS to reap a "smite" from me. What corn!

But wait!!!! ... isn't that the topic of this thread? a BAD joke of the day? hhmmm ... I must stand corrected. It's a good thing I didn't carry through with the alleged "smite", or I'd be in the hurt locker.
The tacks won't come out! Well, they went in ... maybe they're income tacks.


Offline jrvass

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WARNING FROM THE FLORIDA DEPT OF FISH & WILDLIFE

The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra
precautions and keep alert for alligators while in: Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the
alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
~~~~~~~~~
James
This prestigious award, has been presented to you.
Because your belly sticks out farther than your Dickey-Do!


Offline Bangsmith

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 [nuts] [nuts] [nuts] A teacher was lecturing her third grade class about items one would find on a farm.
She asked one particular student: "Why do they call that thing on the barn roof a weathercock?"
His reply: "Because if it were a weathercunt, the wind would blow right through it!!!"
 [nuts] [nuts] [nuts] [nuts] [nuts] [nuts] [nuts] [nuts] [nuts] [nuts] [nuts] [nuts]
If at first you don't succeed, keep on sucking 'til you do "suck seed"!!


Offline jrvass

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
This prestigious award, has been presented to you.
Because your belly sticks out farther than your Dickey-Do!


Offline JazzBill

What can you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing.... You already told her twice!
"When in Chicago call Stockyards 1234, Ask for Ruby".


Offline Dunrobin

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Boy, you're lucky that the women on this site haven't noticed that one yet; you've still got a chance to get the hell out of town before they catch you.

(And yes, I thought that was funny as hell, myself!)  ;D


Offline JazzBill

To any women that read the joke, please don't be offended. The name of the thread is "Bad Joke of The Day". It is not "Morally Correct Joke" or "Politically Correct Joke Of The Day". I have been married a total of 31 years to two different woman, and never have I been guilty of striking either one of them. (no matter how much they deserved it)
"When in Chicago call Stockyards 1234, Ask for Ruby".


Offline Bangsmith

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 [nuts] [nuts] [nuts] What's the difference between a fishing pole and a female jogger?
A fishing pole only has ONE "bobbin'"! [nuts] [nuts] [nuts]
If at first you don't succeed, keep on sucking 'til you do "suck seed"!!


Offline jrvass

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Snip...  I have been married a total of 31 years to two different woman ...snips

Did the judge set your punishments to be served concurrently or consecutively?   >:D

James
This prestigious award, has been presented to you.
Because your belly sticks out farther than your Dickey-Do!