Every generation there is something spawned in the bowels of popular culture that children latch onto. Whether it's a television show, a musical act, or even a series of books one thing is certain: kids have the worst fucking taste. Here are in my humble opinion the ten gayest things that are all the rage with kids from 5-12.
10. Various Remakes/Resurgences of Shitty Things From The Past
Proving just how creatively bankrupt popular culture (Hollywood in particular) is we have been deluged with an onslaught of remakes or comebacks of some of the worst kiddie pop culture phenomenons of the past. This of course is not new (my generation had G.I. Joe, which first became popular in the 60's-70's, for example), but as I just said there seems to be much more of it happening nowadays. What makes it even more annoying is that today's children, much like their parents before them, seem to think this shit is brand new until you give them "five across the eyes" and drill it into their heads that what they think is new is nothing more than something dragged out of the pop culture closet, dusted off and "updated". Movie adaptations of such garbage as Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Underdog are among the countless big screen offenders. On the boob tube you can see a new George of the Jungle, and even such bowel turning excrement as Strawberry Shortcake and My Little Pony have reappeared on the toy shelves. If only it were legal to pop every child in the mouth that likes this shit I'd be a happy man.
9. Harry Potter
Let me just say that the whole Harry Potter craze is one of the gayest things ever. In fact, if it weren't for the sole redeeming fact that thanks to J.K. Rowling's fucksterpiece some children are actually picking up books and reading when they normally wouldn't Harry Potter would rank higher on this list. With at the time of writing this seven books and five film adaptations already in the can, not to mention countless toys, video games and even candies Harry Potter is huge business. Marvel in amazement as a little apprentice sorceror grows up and has adventures...oh fuck that. First off, Wizards and Warlocks and whatnot are the epitome of dorkdom; in a couple of years you boys who are still into that shit can rest assured that you won't even get a faint whiff of pussy. If you don't believe me just the Dungeons and Dragons marks that came before you.
What makes this whole Harry Potter mess even worse are the adults who are into it. I've have had grown people tell me with a straight face that they have read the books, seen the movies, and even WAITED IN LINE to buy the fucking book the first day it came out. This is fucking pathetic. You are supposed to be an adult, read some of the classics or even some new novels geared towards adults. Hell, read Hustler for all I care; it's better than reading something that is geared towards children for your own personal amusement. You should be ashamed, not proud.
8. Xiaolin Showdown
A crappy cartoon that originally ran on the now defunct WB network, Xiaolin Showdown has found even more success on Cartoon Network in reruns (much like Family Guy did on Adult Seim). This very poorly drawn and animated cartoon features a bunch of unlikable characters which include a redneck kid and a young buddhist monk protecting something called Shen Gong Wu. Fans of this lame show love to act out the pseudo-action and pretend to use said Shen Gong Wu, leaving adults scratching their heads in the process. Even the fucking Karate Kid was better than this shit.
7. Shrek
A set of CGI animated movies in which Mike Myers once again uses his pseudo Scottish accent, this time to voice an ogre. Shrek is one of a litany of kiddie flick franchises that tries to shoehorn jokes, references or non-sequitors that adults might get in order to try to help dull the pain of having to sit through this garbage with their children. It doesn't help. There comes a time when fairy tale bullshit becomes gay for anyone with a normal IQ. If I want to watch animation that is truly witty on an adult level I'll watch South Park, thank you very much. Leave the kiddie shit strictly for the kiddies, don't try to appease me because I'm not your target audience and am trying my best not to pay attention to this shit. Not only that, but that kind of stuff goes over the child's head. Oh yeah, fuck you Mike Myers, you unfunny hack. The one formula you had that was remotely close to funny was Austin Powers, and much like Wayne's World before it and Shrek after it once it gained some momentum you proceeded to run it into the ground and bleed the fucker dry.
6. The Jonas Brothers
Like the Jackson Five, Donny Osmond, New Edition and Hanson before them, the Jonas Brothers are a kiddie pop group that is unleashing a tsunami of bubble gum bullshit pop music on children and their helpless parents. The only reason they aren't higher on this list is because they are still fairly new and not quite as popular as the crap that comes later. Look for these little douche nozzles on Dancing With The Stars, making a guest appearance on an upcoming episode. Or, if you're like me and do not like the taste of cock you'll most likely continue to avoid that show like the plague.
5. Scooby Doo
This long running Hanna-Barbera cartoon has never really left the pop culture scene since infecting it like a case of HIV in 1969. In recent years we have been "treated to" two live action film adaptations, as well as countless toys, books, animated full-length DVD's and various new tv series'. From the terrible animation that was a HB trademark to the idiotic stories, everything about Scooby Doo says that this show should have been dead on arrival. However, thanks to children having no fucking taste whatsoever it will outlive us all like the mighty cockroach.
4. Power Rangers
Apparently we didn't bomb the Japanese enough, because they have assaulted us with two mentions on this list; Power Rangers and the #1 item. Power Rangers hit our shores in the mid 1990's, with it's ham acting, cheesy villians, and shitty martial arts. We were deluged with all sorts of toys and movies, and the whole thing drove a teenage yours truly bat shit crazy. If you thought we were safe from the Power Rangers, think again. There are now new Power Rangers, new toys, and new spin-offs. In fact there have been 15 different Power Rangers series on television since it began, but all the shittiness just blends together. I would rather eat Hillary Clinton's twat than sit through an episode of this tripe.
3. The Suite Life Of Zack and Cody
There's a good reason why the situation comedy is almost extinct, besides the advent of reality tv: sitcoms have sucked all sorts of ass for some time now. The Suite Life Of Zack and Cody, which airs on the Disney Channel, is no different. Cole and Dylan Sprouse play Zack and Cody, twin brats who live in a hotel because their mother is a lounge singer there {get it? "Suite" Life? What a play on words! HA HA H...go fuck yourself) that get into all sorts of mischief by acting like a bunch of third-rate Macauley Culkins. I actually learned of this show when my friend's seven year old son was watching it one day and his five year old brother was whining because he changed the channel from cartoons. From what little I could stomach the writing was below hack and there was not a laugh to be had for anyone who has reached puberty or beyond. If your kids start watching this shit do them a favor and gouge their eyes out so it can never happen again.
2. Hannah Montana
Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter Miley is making tons more money than her father ever did by appealing directly to the kiddie circuit with her ultra-shitty music and television show Hannah Montana. Much like the Jonas Brothers she belches out bubblegum bullshit, but only on a much larger scale. Some people like to blame the advent of file sharing as the death of the record industry; I believe it's also the ridiculous price of compact discs coupled with rappers who "connect" with their audience by talking about how much money they blow on on drinking $1000 bottles of champagne, spinning rims and gold chains, rock music without any balls, and putrid, talentless shit like this. While the tabloid world waits for Miley to become the next drugged-out, oversexed whore once she turns 18, I just hope she goes the fuck away.
1. Pokemon
What is this shit? I mean really...can somebody explain to me the appeal of this garbage? Pokemon has been around for the better part of this decade, with various toys, video games, movies, television shows and other assorted crap to drain the wallets of parents: yet I still can't understand it. The whole Poke-universe is convoluted as all fuck, with all sorts of Pokemon doing all sorts of shit. Have any of you tried to watch this garbage? Could you follow it? If so then you must be either retarded, a sociopath or a pedophile because I watched maybe two minutes of a show or movie and was instantly lost. A big fuck you goes out to Nintendo for coming up with Pokemon, the gayest thing that's popular with kids today. May they catch my Poke-balls in their round mouths.
Next time I'll discuss the worst comedians not named Dan Whitney.
