Topic: The Worst Stooge Shorts There Never Were

[Desmond Of The Outer Sanctorum]

Meanwhile, Sitka spends much of the episode wearing a geisha and white makeup.

I find this bizarrely easy to visualize.

[Paul Pain]

I find this bizarrely easy to visualize.

This guy has dreams of being Emil Sitka and being in a remake of KOOKS TOUR in which Emil (a) replaces Larry and (b) dresses like a geisha.

[Umbrella Sam]

"Alright, time to see what's going on over at Moroni..."

*Reads about Emil Sitka dressed like a geisha*

[Paul Pain]

Ever hear of the HAL ROACH ALL-STAR COMEDY series?  Well, Columbia tried this off and on from the 1930s to the early 1950s, and the results were stuffed in Grant's Tomb.

A HOUSEHOLD OF HAUNTS involved The Three Stooges (their first appearance in one of these), Joe Besser, Schilling and Lane, Herbert and Dickerson, Vernon and Quillan, and Andy Clyde.  The result was a disaster as The Stooges and Clyde refused to be in any shared scenes with the other groups except for the ending, and Herbert thought this beneath him and was uncooperative.  This is basically a scare comedy, with Gus Schilling, Wally Vernon, and Dudley Dickerson having some great moments that makes one wonder if they could have been a second "Three Stooges."  The rest is full of choppy scenes as The Stooges, Clyde, and Herbert appear in their scenes alone (Herbert with Dickerson once) interspersed with other appearances; doubles covered by sheets or otherwise obscured had to play any spooks seen by them.  The ending scene was a great success, and the actors all regretted their stubbornness only for Jules White to can the series after this one.

[Smokey Moe]

Ok, so in 1968, Columbia was trying to make an extra buck and revive the stooge shorts but this time premiere them on television and make them completely kid friendly.

Funny Funnymen (1968): The short starts off with Moe, Larry, & Curly Joe going to a meet and greet with a bunch of kids who look like they don't even know how to talk. They begin to perform live for the children, even though the children are too busy sucking on their pacifiers. Curly Joe keeps forgetting his lines and Moe makes a gesture at him as if he is going to slap him, but instead Moe just smiles and gives Curly Joe a warm hug. The stooges are booed off the stage. In the next scene, the boys decide to have some of their Bugs Bunny cereal. Curly Joe refuses to share the cereal with Moe and Larry until a woman from the PTA walks in, takes the box of cereal from Joe, and hands it to the other two. The camera then cuts to a close-up of her face as she says "Remember boys and girls, sharing is caring". Then she asks the audience repeat it Pee-Wee Herman style. The final scene starts with the stooges sitting on a bench in the park and whistling to the tune of the theme song from The New 3 Stooges (1965) when they are interrupted by the Harlem Globetrotters who challenge them to a game of basketball. Moe and Larry decline since they were about 70 years old but Curly Joe accepts the offer. When they start to play you can clearly see that Curly is replaced with a double considering that the double looks to be about 200 pounds skinnier than Joe. The final 2 minutes of the short is just The Beatles singing about the stooges. Now, that may sound awesome, if you ignore the fact that they weren't even the real Beatles, just another crappy cover band.

The surviving kinescope was "lost" (More like completely destroyed) and the film will never be seen again.

[CurlyFan1934]

Has anybody heard about the lost Stooges film that was just uncovered at a film screening a couple of days ago. It was supposed to be really bad, but at least it's more Stooges, am I right? Anyways, it was called We Don't Know What This Is Either. It is said to be featuring Moe Howard, and two other lookalikes for Larry and Curly. It was a promotional short made in about 1972. It is about 6 minutes long. The first half of the short film is just "Larry" and "Curly" slapping each other while Moe looks on. Moe wasn't being slapped because his family said that he was, and I quote, "too old for that crap". Near the half-way point of the short film, Moe finally says, "Hey, you should probably stop or something." but "Larry" and "Curly" can't hear so then they just keep on slapping each other. And, that's it. That's literally it.

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

cute ... good one.

[archiezappa]

"Kook's Tour"

Episode 2: "Where's Larry?" (1971)

In the second installment of "Kook's Tour," Moe, Larry, and Curly Joe take a trip to China. Unfortunately, they can't speak the language and they've lost Larry and can't find him.

The jokes are terrible. Curly Joe keeps asking where the best Chinese restaurant is, plus several jokes about "all the tea in China." Moe can't enjoy the trip, because he's worried about trying to find Larry. He keeps saying "Where is that porcupine?"

The actual scenes in China are stock footage. The Stooges are only seen in closeups that were filmed on the Columbia Ranch. Due to their advanced ages, they did not travel to China for this film.

The plot. After the plane lands in China, they realize that they can't find Larry. They try to go on the planned trip. Everywhere they go, they find evidence that Larry was there, but they just missed him.

At the end, they give up, but find a note from Larry saying that he's looked everywhere for Moe and Curly Joe. Since he can't find them, he assumes they went back home. So, he left China without them.

Larry Fine is not in this picture. In fact, they don't even pretend. You don't see a double or anything. He's referred to and talked about, but he's never seen, regardless of the fact that a major plot point revolves around him.

Sadly, this picture is now lost. And, just like Larry, has not been seen.

[Big Chief Apumtagribonitz]

This is a hilarious thread, one of the best on the whole site.  You have to be drenched in stooge lore, and also have a great sense of humor and parody, not to mention real writing talent, to contribute meaningfully to this one.  Makes me proud to be on here.

[Paul Pain]

Buddy starts out the film acting like a youthful, joyous Curly, and ends it looking like Steven Hawking.

This is an hilariously descriptive image.

[Big Chief Apumtagribonitz]

Paul Pain,  I neglected to thank you for your compliment the first time, thank you very much, and now the second time, well, I'm enchanted, enraptured and embalmed.

[Paul Pain]

Paul Pain,  I neglected to thank you for your compliment the first time, thank you very much, and now the second time, well, I'm enchanted, enraptured and embalmed.

Big Chief, this says a lot for my powers of observation.  I didn't even realize that that was the second time I complimented you for that one.  No wonder my film reviews are always shorter than everyone else's!

[archiezappa]

Thanks to all who have complimented my writing of these. I've been studying the Three Stooges for many years. It's a lot of fun writing this kind of thing. And this forum is the only venue for such humor. Soitenly!

[Paul Pain]

I hope to resurrect this soon.

[Big Chief Apumtagribonitz]

The first edition was certainly fun, but I don't know how many Quiz Kids are still contributing to this site, even, never mind this thread.  I read through the old stuff, and it's as good as ever, but what's extra fun is seeing again that stoogestats, jvass, and Dom Dip never quite got the concept.  Their contributions are about twenty-eight degrees off in one way or another, and explanations from kindly members didn't seem to help.  Enhances the humor IMHO, and no offence to those three posters, whom I think we would all agree we'd love to have as regulars again.  God knows I've contributed my share of mishagass to these threads.

[metaldams]

I have literally never had a gift for writing fiction and read zero fiction.  All my fiction interest is literally with movies, so kudos to you guys capable of this kind of writing.  Just never in my wheelhouse.

[Umbrella Sam]

I have literally never had a gift for writing fiction and read zero fiction.  All my fiction interest is literally with movies, so kudos to you guys capable of this kind of writing.  Just never in my wheelhouse.

This is basically me as well.

[Big Chief Apumtagribonitz]

Fair enough, thank you for your modesty and candor, so that leaves us with, what, maybe four guys who might, repeat might, give it a shot?  Myself, I think I shot my bolt with my first contribution, unless lightning strikes I don't think I'm good for another one, but then I think about Joe Besser in a Moe wig and I realize that one never knows when magic might hit.  Or Joe Palma singing My Girl Nellie.  Oh God, my reptile brain is twitching...very, very slowly.

[archiezappa]

Fair enough, thank you for your modesty and candor, so that leaves us with, what, maybe four guys who might, repeat might, give it a shot?  Myself, I think I shot my bolt with my first contribution, unless lightning strikes I don't think I'm good for another one, but then I think about Joe Besser in a Moe wig and I realize that one never knows when magic might hit.  Or Joe Palma singing My Girl Nellie.  Oh God, my reptile brain is twitching...very, very slowly.

You never know. Inspiration for this kind of thing does surface from time to time. Another one may come. I couldn't say yes, but I couldn't say no.

[Umbrella Sam]

After Moe's death, the remaining stooges: Emil Sitka, Curly-Joe DeRita and Joe Besser team up for a new television series.  I don't understand why they thought this would work.

Something like this actually did almost happen in real life. At the time of Moe’s death, they were planning on appearing in the film BLAZING STEWARDESSES. After Moe died, the producer, Sam Sherman, briefly considered having Besser replace Moe, which would have resulted in a Joe, Emil, and Curly-Joe pairing.

Here’s a bit more about the Stooges’ role in this production if you’re interested in reading about it:
http://anthonybalducci.blogspot.com/2009/01/three-stooges-go-to-heaven.html

[archiezappa]

Something like this actually did almost happen in real life. At the time of Moe’s death, they were planning on appearing in the film BLAZING STEWARDESSES. After Moe died, the producer, Sam Sherman, briefly considered having Besser replace Moe, which would have resulted in a Joe, Emil, and Curly-Joe pairing.

Here’s a bit more about the Stooges’ role in this production if you’re interested in reading about it:
http://anthonybalducci.blogspot.com/2009/01/three-stooges-go-to-heaven.html

That's what makes these so funny. Knowing what happened behind the scenes and how much it affected what was on the screen. That is the essence of writing for and about The Three Stooges.

[Paul Pain]

Nothing reached the levels seen in I'M A MONKEY'S MONKEY.  This was a full 3-D short that was a precursor to SPOOKS and featured Moe, Larry, and Shemp.  In fact, much of SPOOKS was stolen from this short.  The boys are looking to find a gorilla that has been lost from the zoo, believed stolen.  The mad scientist intends to, of course, put a human brain in it, and grabs Shemp.  Where the twist happens is that Moe and Larry find Shemp after the doctor has replaced his brain.  Shemp begins to behave like a gorilla with human weaknesses, while Gorilla Shemp, who has Shemp's voice, takes advantage to knock out the doctor and his henchman.  The short, however, was a bit gory, with Shemp being given painting on blood and a scar line on his head, and the dummies of the doctor and henchman are severely deformed and mutilated after "Shemp" is done pulverizing them.  Like SWEET SPIRITS OF THE NIGHTER featuring El Brendel, this one was shelved due to excessive "horror content."

[Big Chief Apumtagribonitz]

Umbrella Sam, this link is artistically assembled bullshit, but nevertheless it's bullshit.  I'm otherwise too preoccupied to dispute it point by point, but I'm sure that many of the mental giants here would be glad to do it, in fact I would nominate you to earn some mental giant stripes and do it yourself.  All of us left on this site, and God knows there's maybe five gallant souls left, would be happy to contribute.  There are so many half-truths in this article that it would be fun ( I guess ) to straighten them out.  I'm on board if anyone else is.  Sadly, there used to be one hundred nitwits who would jump on this.

[Paul Pain]

Umbrella Sam, this link is artistically assembled bullshit, but nevertheless it's bullshit.

Ummm... that's the point?  We know these are all false, often built off of the many false rumors that abounded around the Stooges careers.  It's like fan fiction... only instead of writing real shorts we wished had existed we're imagining what it would have taken to make a Three Stooges short worse than HORSING AROUND.

[Umbrella Sam]

Umbrella Sam, this link is artistically assembled bullshit, but nevertheless it's bullshit.  I'm otherwise too preoccupied to dispute it point by point, but I'm sure that many of the mental giants here would be glad to do it, in fact I would nominate you to earn some mental giant stripes and do it yourself.  All of us left on this site, and God knows there's maybe five gallant souls left, would be happy to contribute.  There are so many half=truths in this article that it would be fun ( I guess ) to straighten them out.  I'm on board if anyone else is.  Sadly, there used to be one hundred nitwits who would jump on this.

Sorry, I had been under the impression that the story was true since part of it was mentioned on the BLAZING STEWARDESSES threestooges.net page. Unfortunately, I don’t consider myself qualified enough to really refute much in the article beyond minor things like the fact that KOOK’S TOUR was in production in 1969, not 1971.