(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author...and the greatest opinion in music in the history of the world. If you disagree I'll send your children off to the Neverland Ranch.)
As I was writing the Barbra Streisand induction awhile back, I noticed that I was getting close to the "milestone" number of 25. I decided that the induction that was going to be #24 would be pushed back to commemorate this milestone. My biggest problem was figuring out a new #24; I knew it was going to be a rap induction and was about to go with MC Hammer, but thought that was too easy and went with 2 Live Crew instead. With that out of the way (and having done what I think is a decent job), it was clear sailing for the induction into MTS of the person who is perhaps the craziest, most perverted motherfucker ever in the history of recorded sound. Without further adieu, I give you the "silver" induction into MTS: the one, the only (thank goodness), Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson was born on August 29, 1958 in the town of Gary, Indiana. Baby Mikey cried non-stop for the first two weeks of his life. It wouldn't be until later that the reason he cried is revealed: he was born black. As we will get into later, Jacko would spend the majority of his adult trying to conceal (change?) this fact.
Michael's father, Joe Jackson, was something of a mucisian himself, having played guitar in a rinky-dink R&B band. Joe's children started showing an interest in making music, and trying to think of ways to capitalize off of this, formed what would come to be known as the Jackson 5 with Michael, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, and Jackie (Jackie Jackson? Oy vey!) in 1966. In 1968 the quintet audition for Berry Gordy, who promptly signed them to his record label, and obscure little outfit called Motown Records. The Jackson 5, which was fronted by Michael (the youngest of the group) became instantly sucessful with the pre-preteen gals who still stuffing their training bras. In 1969-1970 the group had 4 #1 hits: "I Want You Back", "ABC", "The Love You Save", and "I'll Be There". In fact, "I'll Be There" sold 3.5 million copies and became the best selling record on Motown at the time.
The Jackson 5 canon is chock full of standard pre-pubescent bullshit pop music. These songs were basically fluff, so light that they floated off into the sunset. This being the early 1970's, and the music buying public being into more heavy stuff that was being put out by acts such as fellow Motown artist Marvin Gaye at the time, the gradeschool bullshit of the Jackson 5 wore thin faster than you might remember or realise. During their Motown tenure the group released 13 albums in 7 years, and Michael put out a few solo albums on top of that. Their stranglehold on the charts began slipping; even though songs like "Mama's Pearl" and "Never Can Say Goodbye" made the Top Ten, the market was being flooded by singing families (i.e. Partridge, Osmond, etc.).
As for young Michael's solo career with Motown, the only notable song from this era was "Ben", a song for a movie with the same title about a killer rat. Funny thing about this song is it's one of those touching, mellow songs. It comes off as a love song: a love song about a killer rat named Ben. To be fair, Jackson did not write the 1972 hit single, but it is still creepy when you think about it.
During the major onslaught of "Jackson 5-Mania" they appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show frequently, and at one point had their own cartoon show. Like most cartoons of the 70's, this one sucked ass big time. Taking another page from the "Book of 1970's Cartooning", it was also done a very tight budget. In 1974 the group had it's last notable hit, "Dancing Machine" (#2). By 1976, as the Gravy Train was dropping the Jackson Brothers off at a stop located in the middle of nowhere, all of the Jacksons (except Jermaine) parted ways with Motown. They signed with Epic Records later that year, with Randy Jackson replacing the departed Jermaine, and shortened their name to the Jackson's. This would officially mark the end of the group's run of hits.
In 1979, Michael landed the role of The Scarecrow in the Broadway musical The Wiz, which he would later parlay into a movie role. The Wiz is The Wizard of Oz (one of the worst fucking movies ever) with an all-black cast. The movie loses any credibility it might have been striving for with the casting of then 30-something Diana Ross as a supposedly teenage Dorothy. You've gotta have some ego to think you can pass for 15 when you are more than twice that age (and it shows). Also in '79, MJ moved to New York to start his own life, and apparently to begin his quest to rid himself of his dark pigmentation. He began collaborating with Quincy Jones, the result being his first solo album as an adult, Off The Wall. The album, which features a heavy Disco sound even though the genre is already going down the Billboard shitter, reaches number 3 on the charts. It contains four top ten hits, the most notable being "Rock With You", which even had a pre-MTV music video featuring Mikey dancing amongst strobelights. This would be a far cry from what was to come.
After the release of Anthology (a greatest hits package featuring music from the Jackson 5 years) in 1981, Jackson released what is generally recognised as the best selling album of all time the following year: Thriller.
To illustrate just how big Thriller was, my mother (who stopped buying new releases almost a decade earlier, before she even became a mother) owned a copy of this album. This is the album that transformed Jackson from just another somewhat popular singer into one of the biggest acts in the history of music. This album has sold over 60 million copies. Let that sink in for a minute...60 MILLION COPIES! All hope is lost for civilization.
As for the songs themselves, it seemed as though every single off of this album hit #1. "Billie Jean" is a laughable little track in which Michael is accused of fathering a baby from a woman. The video for the song "Beat It" shows MJ confronting a gang that make the Village People look like they've never had a cock within 10 feet of the vicinity of their mouths. "Beat It" is also notable due to fellow the lead guitar contribution of fellow MTS inductee Eddie "Can't Stop Smilin' Like A Bitch" Van Halen. "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" is Michael's first salvo in a long-running war with the media, and title track is accompanied by an over-produced, drawn-out half-hour video directed by Jon Landis and co-starring Vincent Price. In the video Jackson transforms into a warewolf, but you can notice the beginnings of his real-life transformation from Black Man to White Man to "Chupa Cabra". Gone is the Afrocentric, normal-if-somewhat-flat nose of the past; in it's place is the first attempt at a "cracker nose".
The final single worth mentioning off of Thriller is "The Girl Is Mine". It one of two duets with newfound friend and ex-member of the Beatles, Paul McCartney (the other, "Say, Say, Say" would appear on one of Paul's albums). His good buddy Paul suggested MJ start investing his money, perhaps in acquiring the publishing rights to past hit songs, as Paul himself had started to do with Buddy Holly's canon. This would come back to bite McCartney on his Limey ass as Jackson would outbid him and buy ATV Publishing in 1985, which also included Northern Songs Ltd., which in turn included most of the Beatles' songs. Needless to say that was the end of that friendship.
Jackson and his new nose were on top of the world at this point. Not even the tabloids, who buy now were ripping him a new anus with stories of Jacko sleeping in an oxygen chamber and attempting to buy the remains of the Elephant Man, could touch him. Fans began to emulate their effeminate hero, trying to moonwalk and wearing a single sequined white glove. Even the red jacket he wore in the Thriller video became a popular style of the mid 1980's. He was peddling Pepsi-Cola in commercials (which would lead to Jackson's hair catching fire during a shooting), and even threw a few sheckles his brothers' way by performing in concert with them once more (a couple had attempted to start solo careers, with no success). His sisters, Janet and Latoya, were also starting their careers at this point. He even bought a huge ranch in California, which he called Neverland. The ranch had a zoo and amusement park rides, and Jackson was constantly inviting children over to stay with him. A grown man playing with children other than his is weird enough, but having them spend the night?
More weird shit abound as Jackson showed up at the 1984 Grammys with two dates. Looking back the weird part is that one of them was Brooke Sheilds, but back then everyone thought it was weird that he brought Emmanuel Lewis, child star of the lame-ass sitcom Webster as his second date. Hmmm...having strange children stay over at his house and bringing Webster to the fucking Grammys: nothing wrong here, no siree! Webster would not be the only child star to become pals with the ADULT Jackson: Corey Feldmen and MacCauley Caulkin would be a couple more among other children not-so-famous to share his bed. Yes, they slept in the same bed with him. Young boys, not his, sleeping in the same bed with him. Quite normal...in ancient fucking Greece!
Back to the sucky music, as it were. In 1985 Jackson played a big part in one of suckiest songs of all time, participating in an ensemble recording of "We Are The World". The ensemble is cornacopia of folks who should make their into halls of MTS, too many list quite frankly, and this song (like other Jackson tunes) makes we want to commit gruesome acts of violence.
Meanwhile, five years would pass before Jackson would release his next album, 1987's Bad. Although the album sold an estimated 8-12 million copies, it was considered by some to be a disappointment next to the mammoth Thriller. The title track, the video for which features Jackson squaring off against a gang that is astonishingly faggier than the one for "Beat It", was a huge hit, as were the singles "Leave Me Alone" (another shot against the tabloids), "Man In The Mirror", and "Smooth Criminal" (perhaps a hint of his underage sexcapades at Neverland). Topping off the 1980's was a pure turkey of a movie starring Jacko called Moonwalker, which is a must view for bad movie lovers everywhere.
The biggest story from the Bad era was not the music, but the fact that Jackson's skin become considerably lighter and his nose once again changed. Though not quite there yet, the transition from Black to White was well under way at this point. By the time 1991's Dangerous came out there wasn't a trace of Negro on Mike at all.
Dangerous, although hitting #1 on the album charts like the two previous albums before it, continued the decline in sales from the Thriller days. The album did contain it's fair share of chart-topping hits however. "Jam", a collaboration with ultra-clean, overweight rapper Heavy-D. starts the album off on the wrong foot. The worst is yet to come however; as the music gets progressively worse. "Remember The Time" has another overdone music video, this one set in ancient Egypt and featuring Magic Johnson and Iman. "Heal The World" is another sappy, douchified little number that makes one yearn for being tortured in a P.O.W. camp in Saigon. Then there is "Black or White", in which Jackson tries to prove he doesn't care which one he is. Looking at the once Black man, now White woman singing this song and it's obvious that he...she...IT is full of shit. The video for the song would prove controversial as it featured MJ grabbing his nuts and vandalizing a car.
Having metamorphasized into a honkey that makes me look like I came from Deepest Darkest Africa, there was only one way for Jackson to go: from White woman to Chupa Cabra. "Chupa Cabra", roughly translated, means "goat sucker", and is the name Hispanics gave to the aliens they thought were killing their goats. That's the best way I can describe what he looks like now.
Future releases would be overshadowed by MJ's personal life. In 1993 a kiddie friend of his had accused of molestation. Big fucking surprise! After having his genitals photographed, Jackson settled out of court for what is reportedly an astronomical sum. In 1994 he married Elvis' daughter Lisa Marie Presley. From the beginning everybody saw right through this sham, but the couple kept it up for over a year before divorcing. Jackson then married an acquaintance, Debbie Rowe in 1996. They had two children together, the first being Prince Michael. A third child with a surogate would be named Prince Michael II, or Blanket. This guy named his fucking kid Blanket! Jackson claims Blanket was mothered by a Black woman, but the kid is so white he's ivory.
In the US Jackson's popularity continued to fade. Aside from a duet with younger sister Janet, "Scream", which made the top 5, there is nothing to note (Unless you count anti-Semetic lyrics and a 100 foot statue of himself). Jackson to this day remains popular in Europe, however.
On April 30, 2004 Jackson was charged with such fabulous crimes as: lewd acts upon a minor, attempted lewd acts upon a minor, and administering an intoxicating agent. With his nose non-existant, eyes oval thus completing the Chupa Cabra phase, Jackson pleaded not guilty. I know celebrities tend to get off scot-free for their crimes, but please, just this once, let's throw the book at this freak.
Michael Jackson, music...that sucks!
Before I close this one out, I just happened to find one of those age modification pictures done on an old picture of MJ as a kid and how he might have looked at 45 had he not had all of that shit done to him.
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