(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author. If you disagree then you are those people...people who need to get their asses kicked.)
The basic mantra of MTS (if there is one) is that for every act that makes it big by creating some of the greatest music known to mankind there are at least 10 acts that make it big by doing the exact opposite. Out of those ten sucky acts that make it big, one hits megastardom. These special acts are able to take their lame musical careers and parlay them into movies, television, activism, etc. Previous inductee John Denver is an example of this. Barbra Streisand however dwarfs even our favorite pseudo country boy.
Streisand now also holds a special, significant place in the annuls of MTS. While she is not the very first woman to be inducted (that "honor" goes to Christie McVie and Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac), she is the first to be inducted without a man sucking alongside her. The woman who ranks #3 all-time in total albums sold (only behind The Beatles and Elvis*) is therefore bestowed the title of The First Lady of Suckdom. While doing the research I came across Bab's official website, which is chock full of anti-Bush rhetoric. I began to have doubts about this induction; she might not be so bad after all. Then I remembered the fateful day when Mecha-Streisand wreacked havoc on the small mountain town of South Park, Colorado, manhandling Leonard Maltin and Sidney Portier along the way. I also remembered the horrible music, over 40 years worth. MTS wouldn't be complete without her. Alright, it wouldn't have matter is she advocated the assassination of GW, she was getting inducted no matter what.
Born on April 24, 1942 in Brooklyn, NY, Streisand got her start as a nightclub singer in New York during the early part of the 1960's. The house lights would be turned off whenever she took the stage to save the audience the trama of having to look at her face. Nothing could save them to the even worse trauma of hearing her sing however; eyewitnesses report that the victim's heads swelled to ten times their normal sizes and exploded.
In 1962 Babs made it to Broadway with a "prominant" part in the play I Can Get It For Wholesale. Shortly afterwards she signed on with Columbia Records and recorded her first album, The Barbra Streisand Album. The first album hit the Top Ten and went gold, so she followed them up with The Second Album and The Third Album the same year (1963). In 1964 she went back to broadway to star in Funny Girl, and released her fourth album called People. The title track made the Top Ten singles chart and there was no getting rid of this triple-bagger now.
In the middle part of the 1960's the Streisand Cult continued to expand. Consisting mainly of middle-aged housewifes the Cult ate anything thrown at them by the Queen Cunt. This included a slew of albums containing the trademark bland standards Babs is known for, more Broadway shows, and a television show called My Name Is Barbra. With the banana nose plastered all over music, stage and television, the big screen was the next step in Streisand's plans for world domination.
Her first movie was a film adaptation of Funny Girl which she won an Oscar for Best Actress for in 1968. After a period in which Streisand released movies even her biggest fans couldn't swallow (Hello Dolly, On A Clear Day You Can See Forever, and The Owl and the PussyCat) she came back as horrible sounding as ever with the album Stoney End in 1971. The title track once again made the Top Ten. In 1973 the world was subjected to the insipidly sappy movie The Way We Were co-starring Robert Redford. The song that accompanies it and also shares the movies' title became a #1 hit and is a prime candidate for the worst song of all time. In 1976 she starred in a remake of A Star Is Born alongside Kris Kristopherson (Elvis Presley was originally slated to star, but his drug problems prevented it). More chart-topping songs followed, such as "Evergreen" and "You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore" (which is a duet with Neil Diamond).
Another duet, this one with Disco Queen Donna Summer called "No More Tears (Enough Is Enough)" made it to #1 as the 1970's came to a close. In 1980 Streisand had her biggest musical hit to date, an album produced by fellow MTS inductee Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees called Guilty. The album has sold in excess of 20 million copies. That means there are at least 20 million people with a fucked-up taste in music. In 1983 Barbra sat in the director's chair for the movie Yentl. In it (the only Streisand movie I have even seen a bit of) Babs stars as a woman who has her heart set on becoming a Rabbi. Since women cannot become Rabbis she pretends to be a man. The worst part of it all is she falls in love with a hunky guy and a woman falls in love with her! I'll bet she gets the guy she wants in the end (it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sit through one of her movies). The simple fact is that in the real world someone who looks like Babs couldn't get a somewhat decent looking guy, nevermind the guys she gets in the movies (or for that matter her current hubby James Brolin). Other hit movies she has directed include The Prince Of Tides (1991) and The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996).
Suffice it to say I could only scratch the surface of the Chinese Water Torture that is Barbra Streisand's career. A career that includes over 50 albums, 16 films, and countless television specials and appearances. With a loyal cult that has allowed her to jack ticket prices to astronomical proportions we may never see relief from the natural disaster that is known as Hurricane Babs. If there is a God may he have mercy on our souls.
Barbra Streisand, music...that sucks!
(* My two main sources differ on this: rollingstone.com says Elvis and Beatles have outsold Streisand, while barbrastreisand.com says only Elvis has outsold her. For the sake of credibility and sanity I am going with Rolling Stone.)
