(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author. The reader's opinion may differ, but the reader would be wrong.)
Everybody loves tales of romance, especially touching ones. This is a story of a romance that has lasted for more than 36 years. Music That Sucks proudly presents to you, Hall and Oates: A Love Story.
Daryl Hall (originally Hohl) and John Oates met as students at Temple University while fleeing from a fight between pre-op and post-op transsexual gangs. At the time Hall had his own music group (The Temptones) and Oates had a group as well (The Masters). One witness, who to this day goes by the name Bootylicious describes the first meeting:
"The pre-ops and post-ops had stopped fighting each other and turned their attention to these two wimpy guys. Let me tell you Honey, Hall and Oates made all those Queens look like manly football players. They were so upset by being usurped in femininity by these two that they started beating on them something fierce. Funny thing happened though, one of the pre-ops, Hildy, had started to grind her shoe into Hall's groin; and it didn't didn't even phase him! He just got up, and started running hand in hand with Oates to get away from the hoard of Queens. You could tell there was an immediate attraction between the two".
A most unholy union was formed that day, a union that would make some really gay music.
The pair found themselves in a band called Gulliver, circa 1969. Gulliver released a self-titled album, but the other members of the band, not happy with the increasingly homoerotic direction the band was taking, left shortly thereafter. The duo's first album, Whole Oates, was released in 1972 to very little fanfare. 1973's Abondoned Luncheonette (rumored to be named after the place where they first consummated their relationship) heralded the release of their first mild hit "She's Gone"; which, coincidentally, was originally titled "He's Gone" but was changed at the last minute due to pressure from the record label. The pair then tried to abondon their gay-style roots on their next album War Babies (1974), but it flopped; mainly due to the fact that they were denying their true selves, and no matter how hard they tried these fags could never, ever, rock.
Moving to New York and switching record labels in 1976, the duo released an eponymous album, which due to it's cover many mistook for a Freddie Mercury/Stevie Nicks team-up. This effort returned the duo to their ultra-gay soft rock roots, and they scored their first top ten hit with "Sara Smile" (rumor has it "Sara" was Oates' petname for Hall whilst partaking in a game of "slap-ass"). They would then re-release "She's Gone", and score a second top ten hit. Later that same year they would release the album "Bigger Than Both Of Us" (apparently taken from a quip by Hall after standing next to a ten year old at a public restroom urinal line and "accidentally" looking at his package) which catapulted the duo into mega stardom with their number one hit "Rich Girl". Many a fan can recall Hall and Oates holding hands, and gazing lovingly into each others eyes while singing this tune.
The rest of the 70's featured a few minor hits for the duo, but like much sucky music the 80's were a grand time for H&O. 1980's Voices, which featured hits such as "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling", "Kiss On My List", and "You Make My Dreams" was a major breakthrough. 1981's Private Eyes saw more of the same love songs to one another that made it big, such as "I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)" which recounts the time Oates was propositioned by a misguided female groupie, "Did It In A Minute" a harrowing little shanty which addresses Hall's brief bout with premature ejaculation, and the title track which is an homage to videotaping their lovemaking sessions. Their biggest success would be 1982's double-platinum H2O (title speaks for itself) and their biggest hit "Maneater", which warns nubile young men all over the dangers of the female species. More Top 40 singles would come off the platinum selling Big Bam Boom (this is too easy) in 1984. A few modest hits came afterwards, followed by a solo career for Hall during a time in which the duo had a "vicious" slap-flight which scratched up Oates, followed by a reunion. More recently Oates released a solo album, sans his trademark mustache which had dubbed "cum-catcher". Hall had also been overheard remarking about the mustache "It tickles the walls of my anus when Johnny-Boy goes to toss my salad". They are still together to this day.
So there you have it, the story of the most successful and by far the gayest duo of all time.
Hall and Oates; music...that sucks!
(Shout outs to hallandoates.com and rollingstone.com for help on the particulars, and to my nigga Bruckman for the suggestion.)
