Topic: #2: Christian Rock

[shemps#1]

(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author. The reader's opinion may be different, it that is the case than the reader's opinion is wrong.)

"Everybody knows the best rock bands are affiliated with Satan" - Bart Simpson

I had originally said that MTS#2 would be on Showtunes, but in spirit of this wretched season I thought I would do two articles pertaining to the holidays and hold off Showtunes for awhile. MTS #3 will feature two Top Ten Lists; Top Ten Suckiest Traditional XMas Songs of All Time  and Top Ten Suckiest Rock XMas Songs of All Time. Now however, we take a look at a genre that was recently lampooned on a great South Park episode: Christian Rock.

Oh the f**king agony I go through just to write a somewhat funny article! This has to be the lamest sub-genre of rock I have ever had the displeasure of hearing. My main beef with Christian Rock is that no matter how much you try you cannot sound cool or make a rocking tune about Jesus. I am listening to a band named Dc Talk as I write this, and the tune is "Hey You, I'm into Jesus". Hey you, I don't give a f**k! Listening to, and looking at pictures of these Jesus Freaks (who, coincidentally, have an album titled "Jesus Freak") it appears as though they are trying for a church-going N-Sync type of act.

One of my biggest beefs with Christian Rock is the fact that they attempt to pass themselves as credible songwriters/artists, and are seemingly oblivious to the fact that they are a niche group. It appears as if they do not want to face the fact that outside of Xian Rock fans hardly anyone has heard of them or their music. Some Jesus Freaks are apparently so hard up to listen to rock that their stern, Bible-thumping parents might approve of that they flock to these concerts in decent numbers, holding their hands up in prayer, closing their eyes, and mouthing the words to every song as if they are on the proverbial Stairway to Heaven.

For a religion that reputedly abhors homosexuality, the gayness factor of Xian Rock is off the f**king charts. Prolong exposure to Christian Rock and you'll be begging for a hard cock up your sphincter. This is why your humble author can only to one song from each of the bands, and 5 songs total max.

Next up on the chopping block is Petra and "King of Kings" which sounds like either Madness or Men At Work, and comes complete with your standard black female backup singers in an attempt to inject some soul into this soulless song. The contrast in singing voices in this tune would be distracting in any other rock record, but hearing them screech on about "Jesus lifting us in glory" is enough to make you want to wretch. Having found a fan website for Petra (who has apparently been around since the 80's) they look a bunch of guys even the weakest of us here could easily kick the crap out of. Luckily the version of "King of Kings" I downloaded seems to be cut off, because it makes me wish for Dc Talk. Another second of "King of Kings" and I would have jumped out of the window and found if JC would have lifted me to glory or not.

We now come to a group called Third Day and their song "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever". If you have caught any of those Time-Life commercials featuring Xian Rock compilations than you've heard a bit of this one. It's funny, the singer actually reminds me of one Barry Manilow, except with even less testosterone. Yes folks, if you can comprehend it, there is a group out there that makes Barry Manilow sound like hard rock. Three songs into this project/endurance test and I'm about to put a slug into my brain to end the pain. With that in mind I'm gonna cut the playlist from 5 to 4, with the final selection being from Stryper, an 80's Xian Hair Metal band and their song "In God We Trust". Is it as bad as it actually sounds? Let's find out...

...why yes, it sure as f**k is! Take one part Queen, one part Pat Benetar, one part Poison, throw in some home grown crucifixion for good measure and you've got Stryper. It even comes with the mandatory "80's hair metal rockin' guitar solo"! I can just imagine a high school lad circa 1985, hanging out with his friends. They'll play some Def Leopard, Poison, Motley Crue, Judas Preist etc. Then our hero pops in a Stryper tape, and quickly catches the mother of all asswhippings! It would definately be a much deserved asswhipping at that.

So what have I learned from my short, but excruciating foray into Xian Rock?:

1. All Christian Rock is devoid of gonads
2. The people who listen to and enjoy Xian Rock are also devoid of gonads
3. How many ways can you say "I love Jesus" before it gets old? It's old before that first note is played.
4. There is no such thing as "good Xian Rock"
5. Xian Rock bands are just bands who could never make it in the mainstream milking money from a niche group that quite frankly, deserves to be fleeced.

And to think; there are actually some Xians out there who believe Xian Rock to be raucous noise and a tool of my pal Satan himself. I know Satan, and I know that just like the vast majority of us, he too hates Xian Rock.

Christian Rock: Music...that sucks!

[Stoop]

Christian rock made me into the atheist I am now.  My EX-friend ( you’ll see why  I call her “EX” in a second)  invited me over to her house and  turned on some music. You can guess what kind of music she turned on.  I felt like my brain was caving in, but as much as I tried to tell her I needed to go home she wouldn’t let me go! After another hour and three servings of  “I can sing of your love forever” (I can still remember the name since that is the song ) I couldn’t take it anymore, and as soon as she left the room I slipped out the window and unfortunately fell into some bushes. A bruise and some cuts are a low price to pay for what was left of my sanity.

 

[kinderscenen]

If I hadn't been an atheist before Christian Rock, I would've been after listening to it. From the "almost fooled me" Creed, to the ear-bleeding-inducing music as advertised in those Time-Life commercials, Christian Rock attempts to do the impossible. Either you follow what the classical musicians did and compose both secular and sacred music, or you just go ahead and get a day job--one that involves NO music making whatsoever.

You want "Christian" music, go listen to Bach, Brahms, etc. There is no such thing as Christian Rock!

[Bruckman]

My main beef w/Christian Rock (although a Christian myself, I seldom listen to the stuff; you can be sure when I'm in the garage working on a car I'm not listening to DeGarmo and Key, Petra, or even DC Talk, whom I can tolerate) is how completely derivative its musical sound is. Whatever trend is going big in pop music, that will be the one emulated by the newer Christian groups. Thus, for example, Jim does right by comparing DC Talk to the boy bands of the late 90s, because their first albums came out around 95-96, contemporaneous with the Backstreet Boys. Stryper is perhaps the most egregious example, since they copied the (to Christians anyway) forbidden format of Eighties hair metal. To a secular audience, these efforts to seem up-to-date must appear ludicrous, as well as dating the music horribly. Christian rock tends to lag a few years behind the curve even at the best of times, though I can be thankful that all the pink-sweatered soulful singers of the 80s are now gone, or morphed into something more contemporary.

Not only is Xian rock a niche market, even many Christians don't especially care for it. Some, like me, prefer their rock straight up: if you're going to listen to something which sounds like rock, throwing in Jesus' name every so often isn't a big inducement to spirituality. On the other hand, the more conservative factions (and there's a big number of them) condemn Christian rock for the very same reasons: if it's too close to secular music, it ain't spiritual enough. These are the types who listen only to hymns and watch only Billy Graham crusades on TV, believeing everything else is corrupting. Believe me, I've dealt with more than a few in this category over the years, including members of my girlfriend's family who've warned her time and again of what a pernicious influence I am. (One of them, hearing me listening to Gershwin, asked "what is that noise?" Never in my life did I think I'd hear Gershwin referred to as 'noise'. Incredible).

So the Xian musician basically has nowhere to go: his market is limited to those open minded enough not to condemn all rock out of hand, but conservative enough to avoid mainstream rock of any kind.

[Pilsner Panther]

  On the other hand, the more conservative factions (and there's a big number of them) condemn Christian rock for the very same reasons: if it's too close to secular music, it ain't spiritual enough. These are the types who listen only to hymns and watch only Billy Graham crusades on TV, believeing everything else is corrupting. Believe me, I've dealt with more than a few in this category over the years, including members of my girlfriend's family who've warned her time and again of what a pernicious influence I am. (One of them, hearing me listening to Gershwin, asked "what is that noise?" Never in my life did I think I'd hear Gershwin referred to as 'noise'. Incredible).

That's really not so surprising, if you know something about American musical history. In the early 1900's, conservative Christian preachers warned their congregations about the dangers of ragtime, which they thought of as "the Devil's music." Ragtime? You bet. They also prohibited dancing at church-run schools, and if I'm not mistaken, there are still a few Christian colleges that don't allow it.

They start in doing the Grizzly Bear and the Turkey Trot, and next thing you know, the girls will be smoking and drinking and even wearing short skirts... sinful!

[Bruckman]

Have friends who attended Canadian Bible College (formerly located in Regina SK) in the 80s and 90s where (1) rock was strictly forbidden in the dorms, and (2) dancing was unheard of. Even in the more conservative Mennonite clans, male/female interaction is very restricted in churches and at table, i.e. men on one side, women on the other. You never know what carnal thoughts you might have while chowing down on a perogie, seems to be the consensus.

[vomit]

Preach on brother!!!!  RNR is about sex, drugs an something else that escapes my mind right now.  Christian "rock" isn't even music, it's an infernal abomination!  Up the Irons!

[busybuddy]

I have nothing against the subject matter. If people want to sing about Jesus, more power to them. The problem is, the music itself just sucks! It rarely has a good melody and the recordings are so damn anemic sounding. Another problem I have with it is the audience. Have you ever seen concerts where there's one or two pricks up in the front row with their eyes closed and their hand in the air like their actually trying to make people believe that they are having a religious experience? I also hate the term "Christian Rock." The term "rock and roll" actually means having sex. And what about these Christian heavy metal groups? Where on earth do they get their influences from? If you like any kind of metal, you have to like real Christian boys such as Motley Crue, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Slayer, etc.

[metaldams]

If you like any kind of metal, you have to like real Christian boys such as Motley Crue, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Slayer, etc.

Nicko McBrain of Iron Maiden is actually a born again Christian.  So's Dave Mustaine of Megadeth.  The thing is, they still play cool music.

Of course, there's the other end of the spectrum as well.  Talk about nut jobs.  This is Gaahl from Gorgoroth.

[youtube=425,350]oQJqZFUell8[/youtube]

If you guys really want to read an interesting band history, I suggest you look up Mayhem on Wikipedia.

[vomit]

Not to sure about Dave Mustaine, but Iron Maiden is still great!!!

[AmalgamatedMoron]

Lol!  This is funny.  I have the unique position of being both a Christian theist and a lover of good rock music.  I find the comments amusing and mostly accurate.  Christian rock is the foolish attempt of mixing the secular and the sacred.  While I cannot subscribe to the worldview and lifestyle of many of the rock musicians whose music I enjoy, I certainly enjoy their talent and the great sound of an electric guitar (my favorite instrument - to listen to, and to play).  This is what I believe many young Christian men enjoy, namely the sound.  That hard driving rock guitar, bass, and percussion. 

While I understand the criticisms offered here, to be fair, many of those in these Christian rock bands are very fine musicians.  I will at least tip my hat to them for their talent, if not for their mingling of a classic American sound, with the theology of the Bible (of course, this assumes their theology to be orthodox, where more often than not, it isn't).

I listened to this stuff when I was a kid growing up in the 70's and 80's.  In retrospect, I too can laugh and wince in disagreement along with you.  But, just for a good laugh, and to see how silly some of it was, watch these videos from years past.


Bloodgood - Seven (metal band)
[youtube=425,350]jfjEnchcJ2c[/youtube]

Rez Band - Love Comes Down (This guy, Glenn Kaiser, really does have a great rock voice)
[youtube=425,350]PzHr_cTXr88[/youtube]

Mylon Lefevre and Broken Heart - Stranger To Danger (This guy is a veteran in the rock business having recorded, toured, and rubbed shoulders with legends like Eric Clapton, Duane Allman, The Who, Mick Fleetwood, Grand Funk Railroad, Alvin Lee, and others)
[youtube=425,350]XkLPMyNt9NU[/youtube]

Stryper - Soldiers Under Command (Who could forget the Yellow and Black Attack?  I, for one, would prefer to do so)
[youtube=425,350]55iADHOMNvs[/youtube]

Scott Ian of Anthrax on playing with Stryper (funny)
[youtube=425,350]tfT3EcLKADU[/youtube]

 

[metaldams]

My old bass instructor gave lessons to the guy who was the bassist for Stryper's singer's solo band.

Anthrax, Raven, and Stryper.  Now THAT'S a bill!  Never did care for Stryper.  I have no problem with Christian lyrics themself.  I listen to some "Satanic" music, but that's because musically, Mercyful Fate kicks ass.  I would certianly listen to Christian rock if you could show me artists who musically had something interesting to say.  In reality, they're mostly generic and boring, and the pandering is insulting.

[Dunrobin]

How do you feel about P.O.D. (Payable on Death)?  I probably haven't heard most of their songs, but I've liked the few I have listened to.

[metaldams]

How do you feel about P.O.D. (Payable on Death)?  I probably haven't heard most of their songs, but I've liked the few I have listened to.

Well, I'd have to do a you tube search before I can tell you.  I've heard of them, just not much of their music.

[Dunrobin]

I didn't even know that they were a Christian group until my brother mentioned it to me.  (He's an atheist but still likes the group.)  I only know a handful of their songs, and the only ones that come to mind right now are "Youth of a Nation" and "Satellite."  I was going to attach a song, but I don't seem to have any on my thumbdrive here at work.  (Youtube is blocked here or I'd link to a video.)

[AmalgamatedMoron]

My old bass instructor gave lessons to the guy who was the bassist for Stryper's singer's solo band.

Anthrax, Raven, and Stryper.  Now THAT'S a bill!  Never did care for Stryper.  I have no problem with Christian lyrics themself.  I listen to some "Satanic" music, but that's because musically, Mercyful Fate kicks ass.  I would certianly listen to Christian rock if you could show me artists who musically had something interesting to say.  In reality, they're mostly generic and boring, and the pandering is insulting.

When I was a kid my older brother's friends had some Mercyful Fate albums.  The album covers would creep me out.  King Diamond just looks like evil incarnate.  His look, no doubt, is derived from his interests in the Occult and Satanism.  On the other hand, it's part of his stage persona that's meant to be theatrical.  It's certainly not an unusual element in metal bands, but is seen quite frequently. 

[AmalgamatedMoron]

I didn't even know that they were a Christian group until my brother mentioned it to me.  (He's an atheist but still likes the group.)  I only know a handful of their songs, and the only ones that come to mind right now are "Youth of a Nation" and "Satellite."  I was going to attach a song, but I don't seem to have any on my thumbdrive here at work.  (Youtube is blocked here or I'd link to a video.)

Here you go Rob.  This is one of their better known songs - perhaps their most popular.  It received some significant airplay back in 2001. (BTW, "Christian" is just a label that some use.  I doubt that these guys beliefs--and Christianity is purely cognitive--actually line up with scripture.  In fact, this song's lyrics seems to be obsessed with sensation.  They are probably empiricists.  Therefore, IMO, they are probably not Christians.  But if you like their music, and I do not, then knock yourself out)

P.O.D. - Alive
[youtube=425,350]LOESyEljmFE[/youtube]

[metaldams]

When I was a kid my older brother's friends had some Mercyful Fate albums.  The album covers would creep me out.  King Diamond just looks like evil incarnate.  His look, no doubt, is derived from his interests in the Occult and Satanism.  On the other hand, it's part of his stage persona that's meant to be theatrical.  It's certainly not an unusual element in metal bands, but is seen quite frequently. 

Yeah, but Mercyful Fate, at least for their time, took Satanism to an extreme in music only Venom did, except Venom were sloppy musicians and a bit hokey.  Iron Maiden would just throw a ghoulish guy on their album covers and get their "occult" influence from Hammer Horror movies.  98% of the time, Maiden, Ozzy, and their like weren't really devil bands like all their detractors made them out to be, and when they rarely were, it was at a Hammer Horror level and not to be taken seriously (Number of the Beast, Mr. Crowley).  Mercyful Fate actually sang about denying Jesus Christ and Satanic sacrifice.  Of course a lot of it is theatrical like you said. King Diamond is a big Alice Cooper fan, after all.

Today, you have every other metal band on the planet being "Satanic," or at least anti-Christian and "tough" sounding.  Some of these Norwegian bands really do take it too far, actually burning churches and killing band members.

Iron Maiden "The Number of the Beast"

[youtube=425,350]pao6SCUEJhA[/youtube]


Mercyful Fate "Come To the Sabbath"

[youtube=425,350]b1HMLZid8X0[/youtube]

[Paul Pain]

I know I'm 10 years late to the party, but for you hard core people, here's the heaviest "rock" example of my favorite Christian singer (he didn't write much rock, though):

That's all I have to say because aside from this one person I am a dedicated listener to classical only.