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LISTEN JUDGE
[ The short opens with an outside shot of a courthouse ]
[ Camera dissolves inside the courthouse, where a trial is
taking place; Moe, Larry, and Shemp are standing in front
of the judge’s stand, with two cops standing on opposite
sides of the judge’s stand. Moe is wearing a large board
sign that says “JIFFY FIXERS - WE REPAIR ENYTHING – IT’S
DONE IN A FLASH FOR VERY SMALL CASH†]
JUDGE: [ to one of the cops ] Officer Ryan, you
deserve a sharp reprimand for taking up the valuable time
of this court with these flimsy cases! [ to the other
cop ] And so does Officer Casey! [ pointing at the
Stooges ] These men cannot be held for vagrancy! They
have visible means of support!
[ Larry opens his suit coat and grabs one of his
suspenders ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Does he mean our suspenders?
MOE: [ pulling the suspender ] Ohhh... [ lets go of the
suspender, causing it to snap against Larry’s chest ]
LARRY: OW!
JUDGE: QUIET! [ tries to bang his gavel on the
stand while looking down at a paper, but accidentally hits
Officer Ryan’s hand ]
OFFICER RYAN: OWW!
JUDGE: I’m sorry, officer! [ looks at a paper ]
This other charge -- chicken stealing. [ to the cops ]
I’m not gonna make these poor unfortunates the victims of
your prejudice and guesswork. Case dismissed for lack of
evidence! [ to the Stooges ] You’re free, boys!
ALL STOOGES: Oh, thank you, your honor.
[ Suddenly, a chicken pokes his head out of Shemp’s suit
coat and begins clucking. Shemp and Larry quickly stuff
the chicken back in his suit coat ]
[ The judge looks up at the Stooges in confusion ]
SHEMP: [ clucking ]
JUDGE: What’s the matter with him?!
MOE: Oh, he thinks he’s a chicken.
JUDGE: Why don’t you put him in an institution?
LARRY: We can’t -- we need the eggs!
MOE: [ bonking Larry on the head ] Quiet!
[ The chicken flies out of Shemp’s suit coat and flies
right into the judge''s face ]
MOE: Every man for himself!
[ The Stooges run towards the door ]
SHEMP: WHOA-OH-OH!
[ The Stooges run through the two doors and the two cops
follow them. The Stooges push the doors towards the cops,
knocking them down ]
[ Scene dissolves to the Stooges standing outside of the
door to someone’s house. Shemp is now wearing the large
"JIFFY FIXERS" board sign. He pulls a card off of the
door. ]
SHEMP: Moe, you’re wastin’ your time! [ shows Moe the
card ]
MOE: [ reading the card ] “Doorbell out of order.â€
SHEMP: If the doorbell is out of order, how are they gonna
know we’re out here?!
MOE: Why don’t you use your head?!
SHEMP: Yeah! [ begins banging his head on the door
repeatedly ]
MOE: [ looking off-camera ] Come in! [ turns over to
Shemp and notices him banging his head on the door ]
SHEMP: [ stops banging his head ] Ain’t no answer!
MOE: There ain’t, eh? Well, get one! [ shoves
Shemp into the door ]
SHEMP: OH!
[ The door opens and a woman named Mrs. Henderson
appears ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Stop it! Stop it, before you knock the
door down!
MOE: Well, that’s what your company will do if you
don’t have the doorbell fixed.
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh! Can you fix it?
MOE: Can we fix it!
LARRY: Can we fix it!
SHEMP: Can we???
[ Larry and Mrs. Henderson walk inside of the house; Moe
walks over to Shemp ]
MOE: Why, you... [ aims a punch at Shemp ]
[ Shemp quickly lifts up his board sign and causes Moe to
smash his fist into it ]
MOE: OH! OOH! OOH! [ sneaks behind Shemp ]
[ Shemp peeks over his board sign and sees that Moe isn’t
there, so he happily lowers his board sign. Moe taps
Shemp on back of the head. Shemp looks back and Moe
greets him by crunching his nose with pliers and pushing
him in the house ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! OH, MOE!
MRS. HENDERSON: What is the meaning of this?!
LARRY: Well, lady...
[ Shemp accidentally bumps into Larry, causing Larry to
bump into a shelf. A vase on top of the shelf falls
over. ]
MRS. HENDERSON: AAAAHHHH!!! [ catches the vase ]
Oh! Dear me! This vase is worth $3000!
ALL STOOGES: [ in elegant voices ] Vase!
MOE: [ in elegant voice ] Eh what, Harry, old boy?
SHEMP: [ to Larry, in elegant voice ] Do you have a
bloater?
LARRY: [ in elegant voice ] No, but I have a sardine!
MOE: [ normal voice ] You’ll have to beat it, lady. We
got a lot of work to do! [ pushes Mrs. Henderson away ]
MRS. HENDERSON: OH!
MOE: Thank you. [ looks around the place ] Now, you know,
this looks like a simple job for simple people.
LARRY: Right!
[ Moe and Larry lift Shemp’s board sign off, then turn it
to the other side and stand it up on the ground. The sign
now says “MEN AT WORKâ€. ]
MOE: Chisel!
LARRY: Chisel! [ spins Shemp to the other side and takes a
chisel from his toolbelt ]
MOE: Screwdriver!
LARRY: Screwdriver! [ spins Shemp to the other side and
takes a screwdriver from his belt ]
MOE: Pliers!
LARRY: Pliers! [ spins Shemp around again and takes pliers
from his belt ]
MOE: Brace & Bit!
LARRY: Brace & Bit! [ spins Shemp around and takes a bit
from his belt ] Hold still! [ walks off-camera ]
SHEMP: Cut it out, fellas! I’m gettin’ dizzy!
MOE: Ah, you were born dizzy! Gimme that hammer! [
tries to pull a hammer from Shemp’s toolbelt but has
trouble getting it out ]
SHEMP: Here, let me! [ pulls the hammer out and
accidentally hits Moe on the face with it ]
MOE: OOH! [ hits Shemp on the head with the hammer ]
SHEMP: OH! OH!!
MOE: Shut up, now! There’s something wrong with the
wiring!
[ Camera cuts over to Larry chopping a hole in the wall
with an axe ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] We gotta find the wire!
[ Larry digs in the hole in the wall and pulls out a
wire ]
LARRY: Hey, fellas, I found a wire!
MOE: Good work, Larry! You keep it up and I’m gonna give
you some C-A-N-D-Y! [ holds up a lollipop ]
LARRY: Eh, I don’t smoke!
[ Shemp begins licking the lollipop that Moe’s holding
up ]
MOE: [ slapping the lollipop against Shemp’s face ] Get
away!
[ The lollipop sticks to the side of Shemp’s face, but he
continues licking it anyway ]
MOE: Oh, no you don’t! [ takes out a plunger, yanks the
lollipop off Shemp’s face, and sticks the plunger on
Shemp’s face ] C’mon. [ walks over towards Larry and
pulls
Shemp by the plunger ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! OH!
[ When they get over to Larry, Moe forcefully yanks the
plunger off Shemp’s face ]
LARRY: [ points to the wire ] Hey, Moe, there’s the wire.
MOE: Nice work, old man. Trace it!
LARRY: Right!
[ Larry begins yanking the wire, and it rips upwards
through the wall. Larry continues doing this until the
wire rips through a painting on the wall and knocks it
down over Moe’s head, causing his head to bust through
it ]
MOE: OHH!
SHEMP: Oh, Moe!
LARRY: Sorry, Moe. You told me to trace the wire!
MOE: That’s alright, son. I’ve been “framedâ€! Get it?
Ha, ha, ha!
LARRY: Ha, ha! He’s been “framedâ€!
SHEMP: Ha, ha!
MOE: [ takes the painting off of him ] But you guys
are gonna take the “rapâ€! [ bonks Shemp and Larry over the
head with a stick ]
SHEMP: OOH! OOH! OH!
MOE: Check those wires for a short! [ walks off-camera ]
LARRY: [ to Shemp ] Check those wires for a short.
[ Shemp bends down to the hole in the wall and begins
pulling the wire for a long time ]
SHEMP: There’s nothin’ short about this!
LARRY: Go on!
[ Shemp continues pulling the wire ]
[ cut to Moe entering the kitchen and walking up to the
chef ]
MOE: Hiya! I came to fix the doorbell. Where is it,
buddy?
CHEF: [ with French accent ] “Monsieur†buddy to
you! [ pointing to the wall ] There she is on the
wall.
MOE: Oh, “she†is on the wall.
CHEF: Oui.
[ As the chef is about the place a bowl of eggs on the
table, Moe moves the table over to the wall, and the bowl
misses the table and crashes on the floor ]
CHEF: You IDIOT, you! You...you...
MOE: “Imbecile�
CHEF: [ kindly ] Oui, oui oui... [ yelling again ] You
IMBECILE, you! [ takes off his chef hat ] This
kitchen is not big enough for us both! Either you
stay, or I go!
MOE: That let’s you out! So long! [ turns away ]
CHEF: Oui... [ does a double-take, then grabs Moe back by
the shoulder ] We will see about that, buddy!
MOE: RUFF!
CHEF: ROWL!! [ walks off-camera ]
MOE: Go on, ya French poodle! Your father’s got fleas! [
climbs up on the table ] Ah! [ looks at the doorbell up
on the wall, then takes out a screwdriver and begins
taking the doorbell apart with it ] Heh. “She†is
on the wall! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! [ pulls the doorbell
wire ]
[ Cut to the other side of the wall, where Shemp is
holding on to the other end of the doorbell wire and Moe’s
tug pulls Shemp into the wall ]
SHEMP: Oh, yeah?! [ pulls the wire even harder ]
[ Cut back to Moe on the other side of the wall, being
pulled into the wall ]
MOE: Oh, opposition, eh? [ tries to pull the wire, but
Shemp’s forceful tugging on the other side pulls Moe back
into the wall again ] Why, you!
[ Moe tugs on the wire too hard, causing him to knock down
and fall off of the table he’s standing on over. He still
holds on to the wire even as this happens. A bowl of
flour on one end of the table shoots up in the air ]
[ Camera cuts over to the chef looking off-camera at Moe.
Suddenly, the bowl of flour crashes on top of the chef’s
head ]
CHEF: OOOH! OOH! That settles it! I quit!
[ Cut back to Shemp ]
SHEMP: Mmm! Tough, eh?!
[ Shemp pulls his end of the wire again, causing Moe to
get yanked up from the floor and crashing into the wall ]
MOE: OH! [ throws his hat down in anger ] Mutiny, eh?!
I’ll show you!
[ Moe wraps the wire around his arm, then gives it a
really good yank, pulling Shemp into the wall ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! LARRY!
[ Larry enters ]
SHEMP: Gimme a hand, will ya?!
LARRY: Alright!
SHEMP: Gimme a hand!
LARRY: C’mon.
SHEMP: Get around me!
[ Larry wraps his arms around Shemp’s waist ]
LARRY: Let’s go!
SHEMP AND LARRY: [ pulling the wire ] One...two...and a-
THREE!! [ forcefully yank the wire ]
[ Cut to Moe, who’s legs are sticking out of a big hole on
his side of the wall he just crashed through ]
MOE: I’ll moider somebody!
SHEMP AND LARRY: One...two...THREE!
[ Shemp and Larry forcefully yank the wire again, this
time pulling Moe all the way to their side of the wall.
As he lifts his head from the pile of broken plaster on
the floor from the wall, he reveals two pieces of wood
stuck in his mouth, which look like buck teeth. ]
MOE: Ohhhh...
[ Shemp and Larry run up to him ]
LARRY: Look what came through the wall!
SHEMP: A gopher!
[ Shemp and Larry begin hitting Moe on the head with the
back of an axe and a hat ]
MOE: OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH!
LARRY: Hey, that gopher sounds like Moe!
SHEMP: [ examining the “gopherâ€â€™s face ] It is Moe!
MOE: Get me outta here!
LARRY: Alright, Moe.
[ Shemp and Larry help Moe up from the floor ]
SHEMP: What happened? Where were ya?
MOE: I’ll “gopher†both of ya!!!
[ Shemp and Larry try running away, but Moe grabs them
back ]
MOE: Wait’ll I moider ya! Hear me?!
[ Shemp tries climbing into the hole in the wall ]
MOE: Come back outta hea!
[ Moe and Larry pull Shemp back out of the hole ]
LARRY: Wait a minute, Shemp!
MOE: [ to Larry ] C’mere, you! [ pulls Larry by the hair,
then drags Shemp and Larry away ]
LARRY: OWW! Wait a minute! I’m a victim of circumstance!
[ Dissolve to Shemp sweeping the broken plaster under the
carpet while Moe and Larry behind him drag a shelf over to
the hole in the wall ]
MOE: [ whispering ] Quiet!
[ Moe and Larry place the shelf over the hole in the
wall ]
LARRY: There ya are! Just like an “inferior†decorator!
MOE: Right!
[ The Stooges stop and listen closely as they hear
footsteps in the background ]
[ Briefly cut over to Mrs. Henderon dialing a phone ]
SHEMP: [ whispering ] She’s callin’ the cops!
LARRY: [ whispering ] Let’s get outta here!
[ The Stooges begin sneaking away ]
MRS. HENDERSON: [ off-camera ] Hello? “Superior
Employment Agency�
[ The Stooges stop ]
MRS. HENDERSON: This is Mrs. Henderson on Emerald Drive.
My chef quit quite unexpectedly.
[ Moe points to his head as if he has an idea, then the
Stooges walk over to Mrs. Henderson ]
MRS. HENDERSON: I’m planning a big dinner party tonight
and I’ll need help at once. [ pause ] What?! You’ve no
one?! Oh, but you must have! [ pause, then hangs
up ] Oh, dear! My last hope!
MOE: Oh, it can’t be that bad, lady. You can
always open a can of beans!
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh, not for this dinner! I’ve been
planning it for weeks! I’ll need a butler, a cook, and a
waiter! Oh, I’ll pay anything! Anything at all!
[ The Stooges all look at each other and whisper to each
other briefly as if they have a plan ]
MOE: [ to Mrs. Henderson ] We’ll do it as a special
accommodation!
MRS. HENDERSON: You mean you three...
MOE: Sure! You know our motto -- "We fix anythingâ€!
SHEMP: It also means we fix dinners!
LARRY: Yeah, just like we fixed the doorbell!
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh! And did you fix it?
MOE: Did we fix it!
LARRY: Did we fix it!
[ Shemp opens his mouth, but Moe and Larry quickly cover
it before he can say anything ]
LARRY: Yes!
MOE: Show the lady, Shemp!
SHEMP: Okay, just tell me when! [ walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ to Mrs. Henderson ] You know, he’s known
as “Lightningâ€!
[ Cut to Shemp walking outside of the house and standing
next to the doorbell ]
SHEMP: [ yelling in the house ] Ready for testing!
MOE: Ready for testing!
SHEMP: Here she blow!
[ Shemp presses the doorbell. Suddenly, sparks fly out of
the doorbell and Shemp gets electrocuted ]
SHEMP: OHH!! OH-OH-OH!!! OH-OH-OH!! OHH!!
[ Back inside the house, Moe and Larry nervously tip their
hats to Mrs. Henderson, then run outside the door ]
MOE: Just a minute!
[ Moe and Larry run up to the electrocuting Shemp. Larry
touches Shemp’s jacket and receives a shock ]
SHEMP: I’m full of high voltage! Get me loose!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Wait a minute! We’ll rent him out to a
light copy! [ takes out a lightbulb ] Testing!
LARRY: Contact!
[ Moe sticks the lightbulb in Shemp’s right ear. The
light flickers on each time Shemp yells ]
SHEMP: YEOWWWW! OHHHH!! WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA! EEB-
EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB! OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!
LARRY: We better short ‘im! [ takes out a screwdriver ]
MOE: Right!
[ Larry sticks the screwdriver in Shemp’s left ear and
twists it inside slowly for a few seconds as the lightbulb
in Shemp’s other ear quickly flickers on and off over and
over. Larry then shoves the screwdriver all the way in
Shemp’s ear, causing the lightbulb in the other ear to
shatter ]
SHEMP: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
[ Moe takes the shattered bulb out of Shemp’s right ear
and Larry takes the screwdriver out of Shemp’s left ear,
with the metal piece of the screwdriver missing. Larry
blows through Shemp’s left ear and into Moe’s eye through
Shemp’s right ear. ]
MOE: OOH! [ rubs his eye ]
SHEMP: Ready for testing!
[ Dissolve to the outside of the house; It is now night
outside and there is a sign over the doorbell that
reads “PLEASE NOCKâ€. ]
[ Dissolve to Moe in the kitchen putting a cherry on top
of a muffin ]
MOE: Ha!
[ Cut to Shemp, who’s reading instructions on how to make
a turkey ]
SHEMP: “Separate two eggs.†[ sets the two eggs apart on
opposite sides of the turkey ] I guess that’s far enough.
[ reads the instructions ] “Put ‘em in the turkey.†Any
dumbbell would know that! Certainly, “put ‘em in the
turkeyâ€! [ puts the two eggs inside the turkey ] Let’s
see what’s next. [ reading ] “Half a dozen oysters.†[
puts in five oysters -- including the shells -- inside the
turkey ] One... [ looks at the last oyster ] Ohh. Here’s
one we didn’t clean! [ takes a pitchfork ] Well, we’ll
fix that up! [ takes the oyster out of the shell ] Get
out! Look at that stuff! [ puts the oyster shell in the
turkey ] Wouldn’t clean ‘em, eh?! [ reading ] “Pinch of
salt.†[ pours some salt in his hand, then
literally “pinches†it ] Mmm! [ pouring the salt in the
turkey ] How do ya like that? [ claps his hands together
and accidentally gets some salt in his face ] Pbbtt!
Almost got it myself, in fact! Oop -- wait! [
reading ] “Tomatoes.†Certainly. [ grabs a can of
tomatoes ] “Red, ripe, puréed tomato.†[ puts the whole
can of tomatoes inside the turkey ] Right inside there...
[ Moe walks up to Shemp ]
MOE: You idiot! You imbecile! What’d you put in that
turkey?!
SHEMP: Like the book says -- [ takes the can of tomatoes
out of the turkey ] This can of tomatoes!
[ Moe grabs the can, rips the paper label off, then stuffs
it back inside the turkey ]
MOE: Paper in stuffing... AAAAHH! [ leaves ]
[ Shemp shrugs his shoulders and continues reading
instructions ]
SHEMP: “A loaf of break well soaked.†[ grabs a loaf of
bread ] Sorry, I have to do it! [ punches the bread
repeatedly ] How do ya like that? An upper shoot! A down
shoot! [ stops punching ] You got enough? Ya throw in
the towel? Well, okay! [ stuffs in it the turkey ] Get
in there! That’s it! The next thing! [ picks up a few
grapes and stuff them in the turkey ] Yes, a few of these
grapes will go in there. That’s right! Yes, sir, one of
these. [ throws in some more salt ] A little of this!
Yes, sir! [ picks up a bowl of flour ] Gotta take this, [
picks up a sifter ] and this. [ pours flour on the turkey
through the sifter ] Gotta sift that out a little bit. [
crunches two eggs on top of the turkey ] Yep, right on top
there! Baste it a little bit. And... This one has got
pits! How do ya like that? [ crunches the eggs again ]
That’s it! Much...
[ Cut to Larry reading instructions ]
LARRY: “Two cups of flour.†[ takes a bowl of flour and
pours about half of it into a bigger, empty bowl ] “1/4
pound of
butter.†[ takes a plate with 4 sticks of butter on it and
dumps all the sticks of butter in the bowl ] “Two cups of
milk.†[ takes a milk bottle, and pours in the bowl ]
One... [ pours again ] two. [ reads instructions ] Oh,
baking powder! Almost forgot! That’s important. [ pours
a can of baking powder in the bowl while reading more
instructions ]
[ Cut over to Shemp still pouring flour on the turkey ]
SHEMP: Here it is! Fine and dandy! [ puts the sifter
down ] Okay, Moe, toikey ready for woiky!
[ Cut to a close-up of the turkey as Shemp zips up its
hole. ]
[ Dissolve to a close-up of the turkey burning on fire ]
[ Camera pans back and shows Moe extinguishing the fire,
and Shemp watching in disappointment ]
SHEMP: I can’t understand! I can’t understand what
happened to that turkey. I only had the dial set at
650 degrees!
MOE: Six hundred an... [ does a double-take ] Listen -- if
the cake in that oven turns out like this [ pointing to
the turkey ]...you’re gonna be the next one to
broil in it! [ turns away from Shemp, then quickly
turns back ] And I’m gonna bake ya with nitric
acid! Go on, fix that punch and make it snappy!
[ Shemp begins to walk over to the punch, but then he
turns back to Moe ]
SHEMP: But the lady said she wanted it weak!
MOE: [ spraying the extinguisher in Shemp’s face ] Go
on! Go on!
SHEMP: I’m goin’! Look out! [ walks over to the punch
bowl ]
[ Cut to Larry entering the party taking place in the
living room, with a platter of onions-on-a-stick in his
hand. He walks over to 2 guests ]
LARRY: Here ya are!
[ The two guests look at the onions-on-a-stick in
confusion ]
LARRY: I just got a flash from the kitchen! You’d better
fill up on these.
[ Cut over to Mrs. Henderson and her husband -- who
happens to be the same judge from earlier in the film --
walking over to 2 guests, the Morton’s ]
MRS. HENDERSON: [ to the judge ] Herbert, dear, these are
my good friends, George and Lydia Morton. [ to the
Morton’s ] My husband, Judge Henderson.
[ The judge and Mr. Morton shake hands ]
MR. MORTON: I’m honored, judge.
JUDGE: Glad to know the president of the Voter’s League.
[ Larry barges in between the Henderson’s and the
Morton’s ]
LARRY: Pardon me! [ holds up an onion-on-a-stick to the
Morton’s ] May I serve you? [ looks over at the
Henderson’s and instantly recognizes the judge ] Help
yourself, I’m busy! [ gives Mrs. Morton the platter,
then runs back towards the kitchen ]
MRS. HENDERSON: I’m so sorry!
MRS. MORTON: Really!
MRS. HENDERSON: They’re new here.
JUDGE: Odd -- I think I’ve met him before, but I just
can’t place him.
[ Cut back to Shemp and Moe in the kitchen; Shemp is
pouring punch in the punch bowl, and Moe is carrying a
platter with cups and dishes and a kettle of coffee ]
MOE: Well, so the evening shouldn’t be a total loss, we’ll
serve ‘em punch, cake and coffee.
SHEMP: Alright, but don’t mix me up!
[ Moe begins to walk towards the kitchen door ]
[ Cut to Larry running up to outside the kitchen door and
pushing it open. Loud crashing noises in the kitchen are
heard as Larry twitches in shock. ]
[ Cut back to inside the kitchen; Moe is laying on the
floor right next to the door, with an empty platter on his
stomach and all the cups and dishes shattered on the
floor ]
[ Cut to outside the kitchen door; Larry slowly and
fearfully walks up to the door and pushes it open ]
[ Cut back inside the kitchen with a close-up of Larry
peeking inside the door. He quickly looks around the
place, then smiles at the camera in relief. Suddenly, we
hear sizzling noises ]
LARRY: OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
[ Camera pans down and shows Moe on the floor pouring hot
coffee on Larry’s feet ]
LARRY: OW, MOE! OOH! OOOOOH!
[ Moe gets up from the floor and grabs Larry ]
LARRY: Wait a minute, Moe! We’re in trouble!
MOE: I’ll say you’re in trouble! [ reaches the coffee
kettle back and is about to swing it at Larry ]
LARRY: No, no! The judge is out there!
MOE: What judge?!
LARRY: The judge that wants to send us up for life!
SHEMP: Don’t worry. Where there’s life, there’s hope!
MOE: [ bopping Shemp ] Quiet!
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: He’ll never recognize us in these outfits! [ to
Larry ] Now, go on. You take care of the cake.
[ Larry walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] You, possum-puss -- get that punch out
there or you’ll get one from me! [ pushing Shemp
away ] Go on!
[ Shemp picks up the bowl of punch ]
MOE: Shake a leg!
[ Literally following Moe’s orders, Shemp shakes his left
leg as he walks towards the door ]
[ Dissolve to Shemp in the party room, sucking punch in a
baster, then squirting it back out in several glasses. The
guests are standing behind him, watching in curiosity.
Shemp looks behind him and sees all them staring ]
SHEMP: Don’t stand around like a bunch of buzzards!
There’s enough here for everybody!
[ The guests reluctantly go back to conversation with each
other ]
SHEMP: [ looking in the punch bowl ] Oh, a “Mazarinoâ€
cherry!
[ Shemp rolls his right sleeve up, then dips his right
hand in the punch bowl and pulls out the cherry, then eats
it. He begins choking for a few seconds, and slaps the
back and front of his throat. He picks a glass of punch
and drinks from it. Moe walks up behind him. ]
SHEMP: Not bad! [ begins squirting some more punch in the
glass with the baster ]
[ Moe grabs the baster away and squirts the punch in
Shemp’s face ]
MOE: Now get back in the kitchen and help Larry with that
cake! [ pushing Shemp off-camera ] Go on!
[ Moe takes all the empty glasses and dips them in the
punch bowl, filling them with punch. He takes the platter
and walks off-camera ]
[ Cut over to the Henderson’s and the Morton’s ]
MR. MORTON: Judge, what do you think of your chances for
re-election?
JUDGE: Mr. Morton, I’d say it all depends on what
you recommend for the voters.
MR. MORTON: Ha, ha! Well, you’ve made a splendid record,
judge, and I think you can safely count on another term.
JUDGE: Thank you.
[ Moe walks into the scene, extending his left hand with
the platter of drinks and trying to hide his face from the
judge ]
MOE: Have a slug?
JUDGE: Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
MOE: Oh, no, your honor!
JUDGE: You sure I never sent you up?
MOE: No, I’ve never been up...except in an
elevator! [ clears his throat nervously ] Pardon me!
[ Moe leaves as Mrs. Henderson tries to take a glass of
punch from the platter ]
JUDGE: There’s something strange going on around here!
[ Cut to Shemp and Larry in the kitchen; Larry is taking a
cake out of the oven ]
LARRY: A masterpiece! [ places the cake on a table ] How
does it look?
SHEMP: It looks good -- but let’s see if it’s done.
[ Shemp takes a fork and sticks it into the cake. All the
air quickly gushes out of the cake and it deflates and
flattens like a balloon. Shemp and Larry jump in shock ]
LARRY: Moe will kill us! What’ll we do now?!
SHEMP: What can we do? We’ll fill ‘er up -- [ look
behind him and notices a gas pipe ] with gas!
LARRY: Now you’re cookin’!
[ Larry runs over and grabs the gas pipe, then brings it
over to the cake. He places it right over the hole in the
cake, and the cake inflates back up about half-way
through ]
LARRY: High enough?
SHEMP: I’ll check. [ takes out a [ ? ] and gushes air
from the cake inside of it ] 38 pounds. How many people
out there?
LARRY: Oh...about 20.
SHEMP: Oh, we’d better pump it a couple of more slices.
Go ahead.
[ Larry adds more air in the cake from the pipe, causing
it to fully inflate ]
LARRY: Ready!
[ Larry takes the gas pipe away as Shemp ties up the hole
in the cake. ]
SHEMP: Now, you see, if you’ll...
[ The cake suddenly begins floating in the air and Shemp
catches it and pulls it back down to the table. Larry
runs over to him ]
SHEMP: [ letting go of the cake ] Why don’t you stand over
there...
[ The cake floats in the air again ]
LARRY: Look ou...!
[ Shemp and Larry catch the cake and pull it back down to
the table and hold it down ]
LARRY: Well, Moe said to make it light...
SHEMP: [ slapping Larry ] I don’t care what he said! What
are you, standing up there, letting go of it...
LARRY: Okay!
SHEMP: Alright! Go ahead, I’ll hold it. Go ahead, you
make with the white stuff there [ pointing to the icing
bag ]. Go ahead there.
[ Larry picks up the icing bag and tries to squeeze it
over the cake, but nothing comes out ]
SHEMP: [ grabbing the icing bag ] Here, let me!
[ Shemp and Larry let go of the cake and it floats in the
air again. ]
LARRY: Will ya...
[ Shemp and Larry grab the cake back down. Larry holds it
down as Shemp tries to squeeze out the icing, but he also
has difficulties. ]
SHEMP: MMM! [ holds the bag in front of Larry’s face as
he tries to squeeze it out ]
LARRY: [ pushing the bag away ] Hey, hey!
[ Shemp holds the bag towards his face as he continues
having difficulty getting the icing out ]
SHEMP: Oh, yeah?! [ squeezes it again ] Oh, it’s kinda
stuffed up.
[ Shemp lays the bag down on the table and then hits the
middle of it with a hammer. Icing finally comes out of it
and it squirts high in the air and off-camera. Shemp and
Larry look off-camera and jump in shock ]
[ Cut over to an angry Moe, who has just entered the
kitchen, with an icing “question mark†on his face. He
walks over to a fearful Shemp and Larry and slaps both of
them. ]
LARRY: OW!
MOE: I’m gonna put off murderin’ ya till ya collect yer
paycheck! How’s the cake?
SHEMP: Wonderful. If we didn’t hold it down, it’d float
away!
MOE: If I want a smart crack, I’ll make one myself! Put
the candles in and get it out there! [ picks up several
candles ] C’mon, get busy!
SHEMP: Alright! Alright!
MOE: [ handing Shemp the icing bag ] Here!
[ Shemp begins squirting icing on the cake as Moe begins
sticking candles in the cake ]
[ Dissolve to the party room. Moe enters ]
MOE: [ imitating a trumpet ] Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-
dah-dah-dah-dah! The Piece de Resistance!
[ Shemp and Larry enter, pushing a cart with the birthday
cake on it ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Listen, everybody -- it''s George Morton’s
birthday! Surprise! Surprise!
[ Mr. Morton shakes hands with the judge and Mrs.
Henderson as more guests gather around ]
EVERYONE: [ singing ] For he’s a jolly, good fellow
For he’s a jolly, good fellow
For he’s a jolly, good fellow
That nobody can deny
[ Everybody claps ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Happy birthday!
JUDGE: Mr. Morton, it’s all yours! Make a wish and blow
out the candles.
MR. MORTON: Well, my fondest wish is that my friend, Judge
Henderson, will blow this campaign sky-high!
[ Everyone claps ]
SHEMP: Hooray! Hooray!
[ Judge Henderson blows the candles on the cake. The cake
explodes and results in all the guests covered in
cake. An angry Mr. Morton turns over to Judge Henderson ]
MR. MORTON: If this is supposed to be a practical
joke, I’ve got one for you!
JUDGE: Yeh -- but Mr...
MR. MORTON: I was only joking when I spoke of
supporting you! [ looking around the place ] Lydia?!
Lydia, where are you?!
[ Cut over to Mrs. Morton coming out from behind the
drapes, with her face covered in cake and her hiding in
between the Stooges’ “JIFFY FIXERS†board sign ]
MR. MORTON: We’re gettin’ out of here!!
MRS. HENDERSON: Ohh!
[ Mr. Morton and the Henderson’s walk over to Mrs. Morton
and help her up ]
MR. MORTON: Lydia, are you alright?!
MRS. MORTON: Ohh! Is the shooting over?
[ The judge examines the “JIFFY FIXERS†sign on Mrs.
Morton ]
JUDGE: [ to the Stooges ] Now I know who you are! [
runs over and takes out a rifle that’s hung up on the
wall ]
[ Cut to the Stooges bumping into the each other as we
hear the rifle firing off-camera, then they each dive out
the window ]
STOOGES: OHH! OH-OH-OH-OH-OH! WHOA!!!
[ THE END ]