Transcription by xraffle:
[The stooges are sitting on the floor looking through the newspaper to find a job]
LARRY: Say, how 'bout this? [reads the newspaper] "Wanted: gravediggers. Good salary. Apply---"
MOE: [interrupts Larry] No, no! Too too morbid.
CURLY: The morbid, the merrier. Nyuk nyuk nyuk---
MOE: [kicks Curly in the face] Shut up!!
CURLY: Oh oh!
[The stooges continue to look for jobs in the newspaper]
MOE: Hey, here's one. [reads the newspaper] "Wanted: Waiters. Free uniforms, free transportation, free lunches, free sleeping quarters, and free cigarettes."
LARRY: Oh boy! Free cigarettes!
CURLY: What, no matches? I wouldn't work for that piker.
LARRY: [to Moe] He's right. He's probably the kind of guy who will put water in his soup.
CURLY: Water in his soup! That reminds me. I'm hungry.
LARRY: Me too.
MOE: Me three, let's eat.
[Moe and Larry walk up to the table and sit down. Curly removes the pail of soup from the stove and brings it over to the table]
LARRY: What do we got?
CURLY: Nice soup from a nice, juicy bone.
[Curly pours some soup on a bowl. He gives it to Larry]
LARRY: Hot soup!
[Larry is about to take a sip of the soup, but he smells it and pushes the soup away]
LARRY: Whew! Smells like a dead horse.
[When Moe puts his spoon under the soup, he ends up scooping a large horseshoe. Larry looks shocked when he sees this]
MOE: [to Curly] Why, you numbskull! We sent you to the butcher shop for meat, not to the glue factory.
[Moe hits Curly in the head with the horseshoe]
CURLY: Oh ho!
LARRY: [to Moe] He's trying to poison us, that's what.
[Moe nods his head in agreement]
MOE: [to Curly] You get out of this house before I split your head open from ear to ear, you lucretia borgia!
CURLY: [answering back at Moe] If that means what I think it does!
MOE: So what?
CURLY: So, I'll go. [walks off-camera]
[Moe grabs the newspaper from then table and begins to read it. As Curly gets ready to leave, he blows his nose on a handkerchief and we hear a honk sound.]
[As Moe reads the newspapers, he gets a surprised look on his face]
MOE: Hey, Larry! Look!
[Larry looks at the newspaper that Moe is reading. As soon as he looks at the article, he looks shocked. The headline of the article reads: "Curly Q. Link Sought. Heir to three million"]
[Curly is about to leave]
CURLY: Goodbye fellas.
[Moe and Larry quickly walk up to him and stop him]
MOE: Wait a minute kid! We were only fooling.
CURLY: Gee, really?
LARRY: Yeah! Haven't we always shared everything you ever owned?
MOE: By the way, didn't you say your last name was "Link?"
CURLY: You know my name is Curly Q. Link.
LARRY: What's the "Q" stand for? Quincy?
MOE: What does the "Q" stand for?
LARRY: Oh, Cuff Link---
MOE: Oh--- [does a double take]
MOE: Didn't you once tell me you were born in Oxford?
CURLY: I don't remember. I was born awful young.
MOE: Think hard. Concentrate. Didn't you say you had an uncle?
CURLY: Yeah, Uncle Bob O. Link. But the family didn't speak to him. He had millions.
MOE: That's it. We're rich.
LARRY: We're filthy with dough.
MOE: [to Larry] You're filthy without it.
[Moe grabs the newspaper and shows it to Curly]
MOE: Look spongehead, I ain't kidding. You're rich. You're a millionaire. You're in the dough. You're swimming with filthy lucre. You're in the moola, kid!!
CURLY: I am?
CURLY: Then, why am I bothering with you two hoboes?
LARRY: Oh, a snob, eh? [kicks Curly in the rear]
MOE: A double crosser! [hits Curly in the stomach]
CURLY: Oh! Wait a minute! Can't I be a millionaire without you two guys?
MOE & LARRY: No.
CURLY: That's all I wanna know. Let's go and get the dough.
[The stooges start walking side to side in happiness that they will become millionaires]
STOOGES: Let's go and get the doughla! Go and get the moola. Go and get the moola. Go and get the moola. Go and get the moola.
MOE: Go and get the---
[Curly pushes Moe with his stomach. Moe falls on the lighted stove and his rear gets burnt]
[The scene ends]
[A new scene begins. The camera shows an exterior shot of Bob O. Link's mansion. It's raining heavily outside and there is thunder and lightning]
[Cut to the inside of the mansion. The doorbell rings. Jerkingston, the butler, answers the door. The stooges walk in]
JERKINGTON: Good evening, gentlemen! I---
MOE: My! My oh my! Oh my! Oh, what a night!
LARRY: Good thing I brought my umbrella.
[Larry closes his umbrella, which is all torn apart]
[Moe removes his wet hat and the water splashes in Jerkington's face. Jerkington sputters]
MOE: Boy, what a beautiful place. [removes his coat and throws it to Jerkington]
JERKINGTON: [throwing the coat down in anger] Dahhh!
[The stooges shake their coats up and down to get rid of all the water. The water splashes all over Jerkington. A hand sticks out from off-camera and places a hat on Jerkington's head. Jerkington takes it off.]
CURLY: [looking at the antiques in the house] What knickie-knackies!
MOE: [looking at the clock] We ought to get plenty in hock for this, kid! [looks at the rugs] Look at those hermatounionian rugs. Oh ho!
LARRY: Is that what they are? [removes his outer pants and gives it to Jerkington]
MOE: What a beautiful place!!
LARRY: Reminds me of the reformatory.
[Moe and Larry walk off-camera]
[Curly walks up to the maid and waves his hands under her chin]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk.
[Moe walks up to Curly and pulls him by his ear]
MOE: Come on.
CURLY Ohhhh Eeeh owww ohh!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in the living room of the mansion. The stooges and the guests are all anxiously awaiting for the reading of the will]
GUEST: [walks up to the detective] Oh, I beg your pardon. But do you know when they're gonna read the will?
[Everyone starts talking to the detective at once]
DETECTIVE: Quiet! Quiet! [Everyone stops talking] Keep your shirt on, folks. There ain't gonna be no will read.
GUEST: Then, what are we here for?
DETECTIVE: You're here because Professor Bob O. Link didn't die. He was murdered.
CURLY: Murdered! Woo woo woo woo woo woo!
DETECTIVE: And his body disappeared.
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo woo!
GUEST: It's absurd! You don't think we did it?
DETECTIVE: Well, maybe you did and maybe you didn't. But you're not leaving here 'til I find out, see? Besides, some of you are still missing.
CURLY: [stands up and talks to the detective] I beg your pardon---
DETECTIVE: Who are you?
CURLY: I'm Curly Q. Link!
DETECTIVE: Oh, you're the missing Link!
CURLY: No, I'm the found Link! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! [Moe hits Curly in the stomach] Oh!
MOE: Quiet, what's the matter with you?
DETECTIVE: [to Moe] Who are you?
MOE: Don't tell me you haven't heard of Link [points to Curly], Mink [points to Larry], and Pink! [points to himself]
DETECTIVE: Never heard of them. What do they do?
MOE: We're in the sausage business. Link sausage [points to Curly], Mink sausage [points to Larry] and Pink sausage. [points to himself]
[The stooges start marching back and forth. Curly snaps his fingers in front of the detective's face. Then, Curly taps his head and swings his hand right by the detective's face.]
[The detective gets startled. He then walks up to Curly in an angry manner]
CURLY: [to the detective] Achhrr!
[Moe grabs Curly and taps him in his mouth]
MOE: Easy, Fido!
[We suddenly hear the voice of a man struggling]
VOICE: Help! Help! Ohhh ohh! Oh ohh!
[The detective and the stooges run up to a small room. They enter. The detective gasps when he sees the lawyer lying dead on the table.]
DETECTIVE: They got the lawyer too!
CURLY: Nyah ah!
[The detective looks through a small bag]
DETECTIVE: And they stole the will.
CURLY: My money.
DETECTIVE: [to the stooges] Come on, get out of here.
[The detective and stooges walks out of the room]
LARRY: [to the guests] You heard the man. Oh, you don't wanna see this.
DETECTIVE: [to everyone] Nobody enter that room or touch anything. [to the stooges] You fellas guard the door.
LARRY & CURLY: Aye aye, sir.
[Larry and Curly salute to the detective and they end up hitting Moe in the face]
DETECTIVE: Where's the phone?
CURLY: [points off-camera] Over there.
[The detective walks up to the phone and starts dialing a number. The stooges stand in front of the small room to guard the door]
DETECTIVE: [on the phone] There's been another murder at 1-1-1 Riverside Drive. Yes, I'll file a complete report later. [hangs up the phone]
[The detective approaches the small room, which the stooges are guarding]
CURLY: [stops the detective] Halt! Who goes there?
MOE: Friend or enemy!
LARRY: Give the countersign!
[The detective triple-slaps the stooges]
STOOGES: Oh! Pass, friend!
[The detective enters the room and gasps. The dead lawyer's body is gone. The stooges follow the detective inside. Jerkington turns around to the stooges and gasps again. The detective and the stooges leave the room]
DETECTIVE: Now, that settles it! [calling Jerkington] Hey Jerkington!
JERKINGTON: Yes, sir!
DETECTIVE: These people are staying all night. Give them room.
JERKINGTON: Yes, sir. [to the guests] Take the south room, please. You take the north room, please.
GUEST: Oh dear, We don't want to stay here.
[The guests walk away]
DETECTIVE: [to the stooges] Well, get going!
JERKINGTON: [to the stooges] This way please!
CURLY: [barks at the detective] Arff!
DETECTIVE: [barks back] Woof!!
[Curly gets scared and walks away]
[Someone turns off the lights and the mansion is in complete darkness]
MOE: What's the matter with--- What's the matter with you?
CURLY: It's dark in here!
[Jerkington lights a candle. He turns his head and sees the Curly standing on top of Larry and Moe]
MOE: I can see the darkness. What's the matter with--- Oh it's you! Get down outta here.
[Curly gets off of Moe and Larry]
CURLY: I don't like darkness.
JERKINGTON: The storm must've put out the lights. Come, this way.
[Dissolve to a bedroom where we see the stooges removing the bed covers from the bed. The stooges are about to enter the laboratory, but Jerkington stops them]
JERKINGTON: I wouldn't go into that room if I were you. That was the master's laboratory.
JERKINGTON: Yes, he was a chemist, made his experiments in there.
CURLY: This room gives me the creeps.
JERKINGTON: Poor Mr. Link. He was murdered in this room. On the very spot on which you are standing.
CURLY: [jumps up high] Yeoooowwww!! [whimpers]
MOE: What's the matter with you, lunkhead?
DETECTIVE: Then, the master's body disappeared!
CURLY: [shaking] Do you have to keep reminding me?
DETECTIVE: Sorry. Good night, gentlemen. I hope you have a nice loooonnggg sleep.
MOE: Thanks Dracula! [walks away]
[Dissolve to the same bedroom. The stooges are alone and are getting ready to go to bed]
MOE: We might as well go to bed.
CURLY: Suppose, uh, the murderer comes back again.
MOE: Shut up! You got nothing to worry about. If he stabs you in the head, he'll wreck his knife.
MOE: And don't say 'murderer' anymore, will ya?
[The stooges start dressing up in their pajamas. Curly leaves his suit on and climbs into the bed]
MOE: Hey! What's the idea of going to bed with your clothes on?
CURLY: I wanna be ready in case something happens.
LARRY: Oh, a fraidy cat!
[Moe and Larry look at each other and shrug their shoulders. They take their suit jackets and put them back on. They climb into bed]
MOE: Ahh! Ah!
[The stooges are now lying in the bed ready to go to sleep]
MOE: [to Curly] Blow out the candle.
CURLY: Oh no. Then it'll be dark in here. I'm scared. I might see a ghost.
MOE: Blow it out, I said, or I'll blow out your brains. Or a reasonable facsimile, thereof.
CURLY: A reasonable facsimi--- Alright! [blows out the candle. The room is now dark]
[Larry is snoring loudly. Moe wakes him up]
MOE: Hey hey!
LARRY: [wakes up] What happened?
MOE: Wake up and go to sleep.
CURLY: Or a facsimile thereof.
MOE: [to Curly] Come on.
LARRY: [to Curly] Shut up.
[A door starts opening by itself and it makes a creaking sound. Curly wakes up from the noise and he sees the door opening]
CURLY: [wakes up Moe] Hey Moe! Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh
MOE: [wakes up] What's the matter?
CURLY: The door. It, o-opened by itself. Moe!
MOE: You're crazy! The wind probably blew it open. Now go on to sleep.
[The stooges continues to sleep. Suddenly wind starts gusting out of the window/. The shades from the window are moving and it knocks the cage down. The cage door opens and the parrot inside of it escapes. It walks over to the skeleton on the wall and it starts squawking & chirping]
[Curly hears the noise, but doesn't know what it is]
CURLY: [wakes up Moe] Hey Moe! Hey Moe!
MOE: [wakes up] What's the matter this time?
CURLY: I hear somebody groaning!! The place is full of spooks.
[The parrot is climbing into the skull of the skeleton]
CURLY: [stammering] Let's light a candle and look under the bed.
MOE: Ok, if you promise to go to sleep.
CURLY: Oh, I promise. Honestly, I do. I promise.
[Moe takes a match from his pocket and he lights it on Curly's head]
[Moe lights the candle and Curly holds it]
MOE: There! Get up!
[Moe and Curly get up out of the bed and look under it]
MOE: I'll show you there's nothing around here.
CURLY: Show me.
MOE: Hold the light down here.
[The parrot is under the skull of the skeleton. It's walking across the room]
MOE: [to Curly] I don't understand why you have to get so spooky just because a guy got croaked in this room. Now, look under there.
MOE: [pointing under the bed] There's a mattress and a spring and a bedstead, and a few termites.
CURLY: I don't see no termites.
MOE: Well look under here. I'll start again.
MOE: There's a spring, a bedstead, and some bed slats. There's a rug and a mattress---
[Curly turns his head and he sees the skull walking]
CURLY: Moe! Moe! Moe Moe! [panting] A skeleton!
[The skeleton walks over to the other side of the room and out of sight. Moe turns around and doesn't see it]
MOE: I don't see anything! [flings Curly's face] What's the matter with you? If you don't stop seeing things. I'm gonna gouge your eyes out. Now there's nothing around here, you understand? [looking under the bed] Here. Take a good look under the bed. There's nothing there but a mattress and a spring. And there's some slats.
[The skull starts walking across the room again. It talks out loud]
MOE: [to Curly] It's a fine time to be hello-ing.
CURLY: There it is. It spoke to me again. It's walking around. The spook spoke.
[Larry gets up out of bed and approaches Moe and Curly]
LARRY: Hey! What's going on around here?
CURLY: There's a hideous ghost walking around with its head in its hands.
CURLY: There! [points behind him]
[The skull walks behind the chair. Moe and Larry turn around, but they don't see the skull behind the chair]
MOE: There's nothing over there. Where?
CURLY: It went behind the chair. I saw it.
MOE: Look, once and for all, we'll show you there's no ghost behind chairs. [pauses and looks at Larry] Hey, is there?
[The stooges walk toward the chair]
MOE: [to Larry and Curly] Go on. You guys go first. I'll be right behind ya. Now come on. There's nothing to be afraid of.
LARRY: Alright. We'll sneak up on it.
MOE: I'll handle the whole situation.
[The stooges walk up to the chair but they don't see anything]
MOE: [to Curly] Where?
CURLY: [pointing behind the chair] Behind there? [covers his eyes] Oh, I can't look at this. I can't. I can't.
[Curly accidentally holds the candle too close to Moe's rear]
MOE: [yells in pain] Owww ow ow!
CURLY: [startled] Oh!
MOE: You burn me up! [slaps Curly with both hands] Get out of the way! [crawls behind the chair] I'll find this thing.
MOE: Skeletons! Bunk, that's what!
[Larry takes a peak behind the chair as Moe crawls around it. Larry and Moe look at each other and get startled]
MOE & LARRY: Ahhhh!
CURLY: [startled] Ahh!
LARRY: [to Curly] Now, where's your ghost?
MOE: A skeleton with little feet, eh? [makes a fist with both hands and hits Curly on the head]
LARRY: Carrying his head in his hands.
CURLY: Ah, stop it! Stop it!
[Larry kicks Curly in the rear]
MOE: Go back there into bed.
CURLY: Stop it!
[The stooges walk towards the bed]
MOE: You're breaking up my sleep. If you so much as breathe, I'll tear your tonsils out and I'll tie it around your neck for a bowtie.
CURLY: Shut up!
MOE: Get in there!
[The stooges climb back into bed]
MOE: Out to the edge, now. You're a sleep wrecker. Go to sleep.
CURLY: I tell ya! I saw a ghost!
MOE: Go on.
LARRY: Ah! Ghosts, spooks, skeletons! Kids stuff! [yawning] There are no such things as ghost.
[The stooges go back to sleep. The skeleton falls from above the bed and falls on Larry's head. The skeleton moves to the table on the side of the bed, but Larry doesn't see it]
LARRY: Oh!! [wakes up Moe] Hey! What's the idea of hitting me on the head?
MOE: I didn't hit you on the head…yet! [hits Larry on the head]
MOE: Go on. Go to sleep.
[Larry turns to his left and sees the skeleton on the table]
[The skeleton falls on the floor]
LARRY: [wakes up Moe] M-M Moe, M-M Moe Moe! He's right! It's ghost! It's right there! It's on the tabl--- [points to the table near the bed, but nothing is there] Eh, what?
MOE: Oh, you too, eh?
LARRY: No it was---
MOE: I'm gonna have trouble with you. Well, let me give you a little advice.
MOE: [slaps Larry] That. No go on. Go to sleep before I murder ya. You guys somnambulists?
[The stooges go back to sleep. Suddenly we hear a loud sinister laugh. The stooges wake up and see the skull flying around the room. The stooges yell in fear]
CURLY: There it goes again.
MOE: There it goes again.
[The skull flies around the room and we still hear the sinister laugh.]
MOE: Let's get outta here!
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo woo!
[The stooges quickly get out of bed and run out of the room and into the next room]
CURLY: [to Moe] See! I told you there was ghosts!
LARRY: Yeah, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it.
MOE: [in a nervous manner] Now b-b-be calm fellas, like me. I-I ain't scared. But let's get the heck outta here.
[Moe tries to open the door behind him, but it's locked]
MOE: It's locked.
LARRY: Th-there must be a key. See if we can find it.
MOE: Yeah, all locks got keys.
[The stooges walk into the laboratory]
LARRY: Now, let's see if we can find the key.
[Moe sees a skeleton standing against the wall]
MOE: Nyah ah ah ah ah agh!
[Moe walks backwards and then calms down when he realizes that the skeleton is fake]
[Moe leans on a picture frame hanging on the wall and it spins around. Moe starts to look nervous. The wall behind Moe opens. The dead body of Bob O. Link is standing behind Moe and it leans on his shoulder. Moe, thinking it's Larry and Curly, pushes the body back with his arm]]
MOE: Aw come on fellas, don't lean on me now. I'm all excited and tired and I can't---
[The body leans on Moe again]
MOE: I see I'll have to take action. Why I--- [turns around and sees the dead body] ohhhhhhh!
[Larry and Moe see the body]
CURLY: Wa wa wa wa wa wa…
[The dead body falls on the floor. The stooges scream and break through the door of the laboratory. The stooges start banging on the locked door]
CURLY: We're trapped like rats.
[While the stooges bang on the door for help, a hand comes out from the opening of the wall and grabs the dead body.]
[Behind the door the stooges are banging on, the detective hears the stooges, so he gets ready to open it]
LARRY: Let us out of here. Open the door! Help!
CURLY: I got an idea. Stand aside. I'll break the door down.
[Curly grabs a chair and spits on his hand to get a good grip. As soon as Curly takes the chair and swings at the door, the detective enters. The chair breaks on the detective and he gets knocked out]
MOE: It's the detective. Get some water!!
[Larry takes a vase of flowers]
MOE: Are you alright, mister? Come on. Say a few syllables---
[Moe splashes the water on the detective and some of the water lands on Moe]
[The detective gets revived and he stands up]
DETECTIVE: Who hit me?
CURLY: I-it was a ghost!
MOE: Yeah, and there's a body in that room. [points to the laboratory]
CURLY: It's my Uncle Bob O. Link.
DETECTIVE: Where is he? [takes his hat from the floor and puts it on] Show me.
MOE: Right this way.
LARRY: Come on.
[Moe, Larry and the detective walk through the door of the laboratory since they broke it. Curly opens the door, enters the laboratory, and closes the door behind him. The stooges and the detective walk up to the spot where the dead body was]
LARRY: You see, it was--- [sees that the dead body is gone] Nyah!!!
DETECTIVE: Well, where's the body? Where is it?
LARRY: Well, it was right there.
MOE: And it leaned right on my shoulder.
LARRY: Yeah, I saw it---
[The detective walks up to the stooges in a very angry manner and the stooges walk backwards in fear]
DETECTIVE: [angry] What kind of a gag do you think you birds are pulling on me?
CURLY: Listen, mister.
LARRY: Yeah, this joint is haunted.
DETECTIVE: Haunted, my eye. Now don't give me anymore trouble.
[The detective opens the door behind the stooges and leaves]
[We hear a sinister laugh and the stooges see the skull walking again]
[The stooges' trousers go up and down by themselves]
[The stooges exit the room using the door the detective just used. They enter another room and they lie on the bed there. They cover themselves with the bed sheets and start shaking. They peek to see if any ghosts are around and they accidentally uncover Bob O. Link's dead body on the bed. Larry turns his head and sees the body lying right next to him on the bed]
LARRY: [to the dead body] Sorry, bub, we didn't know--- [realizes it's a dead body] Yaaahhh!
[The stooges get out of the bed]
MOE: Out this door!
[The stooges open the door next to the bed and they see a man and a woman tied up.]
[The stooges yell as they run out of the room and into the hallway. They enter another room. Larry shuts the door behind him. As the door shuts, the stooges get startled]
[The stooges turn around and realize that it was just the door]
MOE: [relieved] Oh!
LARRY: [relieved] Whew!
[The stooges sit down on the bed to relax. The covers on the bed move and it uncovers another dead body. Moe turns his head and sees the dead body]
MOE: [to the dead body] Hello! [realizes it's a dead body] Nyah! Eyy! Eyy!
[The stooges scream as they run out of the room. They run down the staircase and accidentally knock the maid down on the floor. The maid's wig falls off. The stooges help the maid get up from the floor]
LARRY: Oh, excuse us, lady.
CURLY: Pardon me, lady.
MOE: [grabs the wig on the floor] Here's your wig. [sees the will in the wig] And here's the will!!
CURLY: She's a he!!
[Curly and Larry quickly grab the maid]
LARRY: Hey, wait a minute!
MOE: Hold on there, you!
[The detective and Jerkington approach the stooges from off-camera]
DETECTIVE: Here, what's going on here? What's going on?
MOE: [points to the maid] There's your murderer and here's his disguise. [shows the wig] And we found the will on him!! [shows the will]
DETECTIVE: Oh, so it's you, huh?! Well, come on! [grabs the maid]
[Jerkington, the detective and the maid leave]
CURLY: [grabs the will from Moe] Hey! Gimme my will! Let me read this. [shaking]
MOE: Don't shake. Take it easy.
CURLY: [reads the will] "Section 18. To my niece, Liza Link, I leave one million two hundred fifty thousand dollars."
[Moe and Larry look shocked]
CURLY: [reading the will] "To my nephew, Curly Q. Link---" [to Moe and Larry in excitement] That's me! That's me!
MOE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead, read. How much? How much?
CURLY: [reading the will] "To my nephew, Curly Q. Link, I leave the sum total of sixty seven cents, net."
LARRY: Sixty seven---
[Moe and Larry start to get excited, but then they realize that they're not going to be millionaires after all]
MOE: [yells] Sixty-seven cents!
[Moe and Larry bonk Curly on the head]
MOE: [yells] Sixty-seven cents!
[Moe and Larry bonk Curly on the head again]
STOOGES: [wailing] Sixty-seven cents!
[Larry starts yanking his hair out]
MOE: [yells] Sixty-seven cents!
[Moe taps his head hard with both hands]
MOE: [yells] Sixty-seven---!
[Moe taps Curly on the head hard with both hands]
MOE: [yells] Sixty-seven cents! Sixty seven---