BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

[Guest]

I read in the paper that President Bush was admitted to the hospital today ... he's recently had an asshole transplant ... and the asshole has rejected him.

[Dunrobin]

I read in the paper that President Bush was admitted to the hospital today ... he's recently had an asshole transplant ... and the asshole has rejected him.

[Pilsner Panther]

I read in the paper that President Bush was admitted to the hospital today ... he's recently had an asshole transplant ... and the asshole has rejected him.

You mean we're going to get a new Vice President?

 

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[Giff me dat fill-em!]

I pulled this one from http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com ...

Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory for a number of years, and came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist, but Bill vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. A few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see that something was seriously wrong. Bill confessed ...
"Do you remember that I told you I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, no, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, ... I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired too."

[Pilsner Panther]

Giff, just for reminding me of both John Denver and MC Hammer in one day— especially right before Christmas— you get what you deserve!

Now I'll be so nauseous that I won't be able to eat Christmas dinner... gee, thanks.

 



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[Giff me dat fill-em!]

You're even so distraught that you posted on the wrong thread ... I'm glad I could inject some levity into your otherwise drab holiday season.

[Pilsner Panther]

You're even so distraught that you posted on the wrong thread ... I'm glad I could inject some levity into your otherwise drab holiday season.

I wanted to get that pickle reference in there... as an introduction to some "extra sour" holiday music. If you want, I'll move the reply over to Pilsner's Picks, but I'm only going to leave these tracks up for a couple of days, anyway. Have a happy...

 

[Dunrobin]

 The Old Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

A hardy-har-har for THAT one, Dunrobin!!

[Dunrobin]

A sales manager, a hardware technician and a software technician were carpooling to a meeting. At the top of a long, steep decline the brakes went out in their car. They sped down the hill faster and faster, nearly colliding with several other vehicles until, miraculously, they managed to slow down by scraping against the guardrail and came to a full stop about halfway down the mountain.

After confirming they were all OK, the sales manager said "We obviously have a problem here. Let's have a meeting, set some goals, establish priorities, make some plans, and by a process of continuous improvement we will remedy this situation."

The hardware technician said "Well, that's never worked for me. I will just pull out my Swiss Army knife and take apart the braking system, find the fault, repair it, and we will be on our way."

The software technician said "Before we do anything, we should push the car back up to the top of the hill and see if it does the same thing again."

I'm a "software technician", so now you know why it can take me so long to make changes to the site!   

[Pilsner Panther]

This gag doesn't really work, Rob. Let's try it again, my way:

A sales manager, a hardware technician, a clergyman, and a software technician were carpooling to a meeting. At the top of a long, steep decline the brakes went out in their car. They sped down the hill faster and faster, nearly colliding with several other vehicles until, miraculously, they managed to slow down by scraping against the guardrail and came to a full stop about halfway down the mountain.

After confirming they were all OK, the sales manager said "We obviously have a problem here. Let's have a meeting, set some goals, establish priorities, make some plans, and by a process of continuous improvement we will remedy this situation."

The hardware technician said "Well, that's never worked for me. I will just pull out my Swiss Army knife and take apart the braking system, find the fault, repair it, and we will be on our way."

The software technician said "Before we do anything, we should push the car back up to the top of the hill and see if it does the same thing again."

The clergyman said, "If you'd all prayed hard enough, none of this mess would have ever happened!"


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[Dunrobin]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him," I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!

[FineBari3]

I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!

YEAAAHHHH!

Finally, some class on this site!!!!   :headbang:

(My kinda joke...ya'know!)

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

A cop stops a car for speeding, and he asks the man his name. "Fred," the man replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer presses him for the last name. The man says, "I used to have a last name but lost it". The officer queries, "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" 
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
 
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a physician. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a physician, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. 
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred."

[Weasel]

Curly was telling his friend Larry about his recent hunting trip to Africa:  "There I was, it was him or me, facing the Rhinoceros!  He charged me and I fired the rifle and he dropped over dead!  The next day there I was, it was him or me, facing the Tiger!  He charged, I fired my rifle and he dropped over dead!  The next day there I was, facing the Lion, I pulled the trigger and remembered that I hadn't loaded the rifle! No bullets!  The Lion growled "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"What happened?" asked Larry.

"I pooped in my pants!" Curly answered.

"I don't blame you, I would have done the same thing if I was facing a ferocious Lion with no bullets in my rifle!" said Larry.

"Not then", added Curly, "just now, when I went "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

[Dunrobin]

My brother sent this to my email today, and I had to pop in here for a minute to share it with all of you.   

[

size=11pt]  I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

  This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

  "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

    I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

    That's 96 miles each day.

    Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

    Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

    There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

    That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

    Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

    That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

    Statistically, females drive half of these.

    That's 18,000 women drivers!

    In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

    That's 642.

    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

    That's 449.

    According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

    That's 98.

    And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

    That's 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

   That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

   Give her the finger? I don't think so!![/size]

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