BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

[Guest]

Presciption Drugs

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!? That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Dunrobin]

Presciption Drugs

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!? That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Lola-Lou]

Oh......Man! Another knee slapper from Dunrobin. Maybe there needs to be a forum for bad/blond jokes.   

[Dunrobin]

LAWYER JOKES:

Q: What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
A: People will try to avoid hitting a pothole.
Q: What's the difference between an accident and a calamity?
A: It's an accident when a bus full of lawyers plunges off the road into a river. It's a calamity if they can swim.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The diphthong.
Today's installment was inspired by the following news story:

Wednesday, January 12, 2005 · Last updated 11:53 a.m. PT

Pair arrested for telling lawyer jokes

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. -- Did you hear the one about the two guys arrested for telling lawyer jokes?

It happened this week to the founders of a group called Americans for Legal Reform, who were waiting in line to get into a Long Island courthouse.

"How do you tell when a lawyer is lying?" Harvey Kash reportedly asked Carl Lanzisera.

"His lips are moving," they said in unison.

While some waiting to get into the courthouse giggled, a lawyer farther up the line Monday was not laughing.

He told them to pipe down, and when they did not, the lawyer reported the pair to court personnel, who charged them with disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor.

"They just can't take it," Kash said of lawyers in general. "This violates our First Amendment rights."

Dan Bagnuola, a spokesman for the Nassau County courts, said the men were "being abusive and they were causing a disturbance." He said he did not have the name of the lawyer who complained.

Americans for Legal Reform monitors the courts and uses confrontational tactics to push for greater access for the public. The pair said that for years they have stood outside courthouses on Long Island and mocked lawyers.

On Monday, however, Kash said he was due in court to answer a drunken driving charge from a year and a half ago. The men are due back in court on the disorderly conduct charge next month.

SOURCE:  http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/apus_story.asp?category=1110&slug=Lawyer%20Jokes%20Arrests

[Stoop]

One of my aunts is a lawyer. When she is in her office she never cracks a smile. Come to think of it, I don’t think she ever smiles., even when she is out of her office!


C’mon Rob we need more “bad jokes”. Keep ‘em coming with that super service of yours.

[Dunrobin]

Okay, Stoop - here's another lawyer joke for ya:

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

[Dunrobin]

Here's one more for today:

The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.

"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"

"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."

 

[BeAStooge]

One of my aunts is a layer.

Your aunt is a prostitute?

When she is in her office she never cracks a smile.

Cracks a smile?  The door for 1,000 more bad jokes has just been opened!

Come to think of it, I don't think she ever smiles, even when she is out of her office!

In or out of the office, that means she's bad at her job.

As smileys go, that one seems relevant.


Two down, 998 to go.  (Calm down Aunt Stoop; that wasn't directed at you.)

[Lola-Lou]

Well my mom is a lawyer too. However she's on the other end of the jokes. She gets treated like shit and doesn't get paid as she should. What I need some sleezy boss jokes for her.

[Dunrobin]

A Truly Heart-warming Story

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.  The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye. 

[FineBari3]

You have outdone yourself there with that one, Rob!!!!

I thought you were seriously telling a story about a little girl!!! Boy, you got me GOOD!

[Dunrobin]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and blurts out..........

"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone too!"

 

[Pilsner Panther]

Now, that one I like... you really don't see where the punch line is coming from!

 

[Dunrobin]

Crazy Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.  "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice.

"Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.  Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!"

[wallawalla]

Bartender watches some jumper cables walk into the bar and says, "You can coil up over there, but don't start nothin'."

Our neighborhood flasher thought about retiring, but decided to stick it out one more year.

What's the difference between a shopping bag and Michael Jackson? One is made of plastic and is dangerous to children, and the other holds groceries.

Guy goes into a rundown hotel and is told the rates are $15 a night, or $5 if you make your own bed. Guy says, "Then I'll make my own bed." Clerk says, "Fine, there's some wood and nails around back."

Lady tells a shrink that she thinks she might be a nymphomaniac. The shrink says he can help her, and his rates are $80 an hour. She says, "How much for all night?"

[Baggie]

 When is it bedtime in Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.

 Michael Jackson's wife has just given birth in hospital. The doctor goes to Michael and says "Congratulations! It's a boy!" Michael looks over at his wife and whispers to the Doc, "Now when do you think we'll be able to have sex?" The Doctors says "Well I'd wait til' he's walking if I were you."

[Tags:]

GoogleTagged: three stooges jokes blackbigbooty www com jamaican vendor joke missing wife joke jamaica pushto joke three stooges wmv stop hurting anvils puddinhead the punchline out one more three stooges woman soaking wet
net cast slogan shall not bear false witness for talcum powder three stooges paul shanklin permission joke car bill gates jack welch bad jokes day wisconsin the election joke day the air america radio joke email holiday curly wav mpg wmv all