Transcription by Stooge:
[ Open on a sign outside of a gym that reads: "MUSCLE MANOR "" WE TRAIN THE FIGHTERS "" THE THREE STOOGES PROPS." ]
[ Dissolve inside the gym where we see the Stooges watching off-camera ]
LARRY: Thatta boy, Chopper! That's doing your stuff!
SHEMP: Bring up your right hand.
[ Cut to Chopper laying back on a chair, reading a "LOVE TALES" magazine in one hand and lifting a dumbbell up and down with the other hand ]
SHEMP: [ off-camera ] That's it! Bring it up again!
MOE: [ off-camera ] Now try the left.
[ The Stooges walk over to Chopper and take his magazine and dumbbell away ]
MOE: C'mon, Chopper. You gotta do some trainin'!
CHOPPER: [ gets up out of his chair ] I'm tired!
LARRY: We'll work with ya.
MOE: You can start on the dummy.
[ Chopper turns around and sees Shemp, then grabs him by the collar and prepares to punch him ]
SHEMP: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! [ pointing to the boxing dummy ] He means the other dummy!
[ Chopper and the Stooges walk over to the boxing dummy. Chopper punches the dummy backwards, but it bounces back forward and bumps into Shemp ]
SHEMP: OH! Oh, cop in a sneaker, eh?!
[ Shemp punches the boxing dummy to the right and it hits Moe in the face ]
[ Moe punches the dummy to the left, hitting Larry in the face ]
[ The dummy bounces back to Moe and hits him again. Moe punches the dummy to Shemp, hitting him ]
SHEMP: OH! [ snorts and hiccups, then holds his fist out to defend himself ]
[ The dummy hits Shemp in the face again ]
[ Briefly cut to Chopper watching in amusement ]
[ Shemp punches the dummy back to Moe, hitting him. Moe punches the dummy back to Shemp, but it misses his face ]
SHEMP: Missed me! [ sticks out his tongue ]
[ The dummy hits Shemp, knocking him down to the ground ]
MOE: [ pushing the dummy at Larry ] Why, you!
[ The dummy hits Larry ]
[ The dummy bounces back to Moe and hits him ]
SHEMP: [ getting up ] Wait a minute. I'll take a short count.
CHOPPER: [ patting the dummy ] The winner and still world's champeen, Oscar the dummy! Ha, ha, ha! I'm beginnin' to enjoy this workout. I even feel like a few rounds of boxin'.
MOE: That's swell, but we ain't got no sparrin' partner.
[ The Stooges and Chopper look down at the ground. Then Moe, Larry, and Chopper look up over at Shemp ]
SHEMP: No! No! Not me, fellas! I never had a glove on in my life! Besides, I bruise easy.
CHOPPER: Aw, don't be a baby! It's all in fun.
SHEMP: I hate fun!
[ Moe and Larry grab Shemp and walk a short distance away from Chopper ]
SHEMP: What are you "" surroundin' me, fellas?!
MOE: No, you gotta do it! Think of the dough.
SHEMP: I'd rather think of my health!
LARRY: [ handing Moe a helmet ] Here.
MOE: Yeah, we're gonna put this on your head.
LARRY: We don't want The Chopper to hurt his hand!
SHEMP: [ walking away ] OHHH!
MOE AND LARRY: [ grabbing Shemp back ] Wait!
MOE: Don't be a coward. You'll spar a little with The Chopper and exchange some love taps.
LARRY: Yeah, taps. [ begins tap dancing ]
MOE: [ hitting Larry with the helmet ] Quiet!
[ Moe puts the helmet on Shemp, covering his eyes ]
SHEMP: Wait a minute. Where did everybody go?!
LARRY: [ leading Shemp to the ring by the arm ] This way.
[ Shemp accidentally bumps into a ring post ]
MOE: Get in there.
[ Shemp walks the wrong way ]
MOE: [ yanking Shem's helmet up so he can see ] C'mon! C'mon! [ pushes Shemp to the ring ropes ]
SHEMP: Alright, don't shove me.
[ Shemp begins climbing up the ring ropes, but gets his feet tangled in the ropes and falls down ]
[ Cut to Chopper laughing to himself as he watches ]
[ Cut back to Shemp, with his head now stuck in between the ropes]
SHEMP: MOE! LARRY! HELLLLP!!
[ Moe and Larry walk over to Shemp ]
MOE: Wait a minute! Gimme your foot.
[ Moe and Larry grab Shemp by the legs and pull a few times ]
MOE: C'mon, here!
[ Shemp head finally gets freed from the ropes and he goes crashing into the ring ]
MOE: [ helping Shemp ] You dumb ox, you!
SHEMP: [ staggering around ] Ohh! Now I know how a gopher feels!
MOE: [ handing Shemp boxing gloves ] Get these gloves on.
[ We hear a door opening in the background ]
LARRY: [ pointing off-camera ] Hey, there's Kitty!
[ Cut to a woman entering the gym ]
[ Cut back to the Stooges; Larry runs off-camera to Kitty ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] C'mon.
[ Shemp walks the wrong way ]
MOE: This way! C'mon!
LARRY: [ running up to Kitty ] Kitty! Hiya, baby. You're just in time to see The Chopper do his stuff.
[ They walk over to Chopper, who's standing in the ring ]
LARRY: Kitty, I want you to meet Chopper Kane, the next heavyweight champion.
CHOPPER: [ looking at Kitty ] Oh, I'm meetin' a champeen right now!
KITTY: Why, you say the sweetest things!
CHOPPER: Oh, sugar, you're just about to see little ol' Chopper go into action.
KITTY: Oh, I just love to see a good fight.
CHOPPER: Well, you stick around here. I'll murder that guy for ya!
[ Larry winces as he hears this ]
CHOPPER: [ to Larry ] Get the victim ready for the slaughter.
LARRY: [ climbing in the ring to Chopper ] Wait a minute, Chopper. Remember -- love taps.
CHOPPER: Get "˜im ready!
[ Chopper punches Larry in the nose, pushing him off-camera ]
CHOPPER: [ to Kitty ] This won't take long.
[ Cut to Larry walking over to Moe and Shemp; Moe is lacing the glove on Shemp's left hand ]
LARRY: Mmm! Get a load of that Chopper!
MOE: Lace that glove!
[ Larry begins lacing the glove on Shemp's right hand as Moe looks at Chopper and Kitty ]
MOE: Yeah, our Chopper's a bit of a wolf.
LARRY: Yeah, if he moves around in the ring like he moved in on Kitty, I figure we got a new champion on our hands.
[ Larry, not looking at what he's doing, laces Shemp's right glove to a ring ropes ]
MOE: Is it fixed?
LARRY: He's fixed, alright!
CHOPPER: [ to Kitty ] Get over there, baby.
[ Shemp's left hand begins shaking as Moe finishes tying on his left glove ]
MOE: What's the matter, kid ""- you nervous?
SHEMP: Just my left hand!
MOE: Ah, take it easy! With a dame around, The Chopper will box like a perfect gentleman.
LARRY: Now, when I ring the bell, you come out fightin'.
MOE: Any blood -- ignore it!
[ Moe and Larry climb out of the ring ]
SHEMP: Where ya goin', fellas???
[ Larry rings the bell. Shemp tries to step forward, but realizes his right hand is tied to the ring ropes. He struggles to get his hand out of his glove. Chopper runs up to Shemp and they begin boxing, with Shemp only using his left hand. Chopper punches Shemp around a few times ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! OH!
[ Chopper punches Shemp in the face repeatedly, making a loud bouncing noise with his glove ]
[ Cut to Moe and Larry shaking their heads up and down in time with the punches, then stopping suddenly when they look at each other ]
[ Cut back to Chopper and Shemp. Chopper turns around and waves to Kitty. Shemp pulls his right arm too hard, pulling his hand out of the glove and causing him to accidentally punch Chopper in the face. Chopper dazedly staggers around, then falls to the ground ]
SHEMP: I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it!
[ Chopper looks up at Shemp angrily ]
SHEMP: My hand slipped! Love taps!
[ Moe and Larry look at each other in shock ]
SHEMP: Love taps! [ begins doing his shadow-boxing dance ]
[ Chopper punches Shemp in the face, then in the stomach. Shemp blocks his stomach with his hand afterwards, so Chopper then punches him in the face. Shemp blocks his face with his hand, then Chopper punches him in the stomach. This goes on and on until Shemp blocks both his face and stomach, followed by Chopper knocking Shemp off-camera ]
[ Cut to Shemp doing a headstand against a ring post ]
[ Chopper waves his hands at Kitty, then goes back over to Shemp, who is getting up from the ground ]
SHEMP: Alright. Watch this one! [ punches Chopper ] Just watch this one! [ punches Chopper again ]
[ Cut to Moe and Larry as we hear more punches in the background ]
MOE: There goes Shemp with a left jab! [ pause ] There goes Shemp with a right uppercut! [ pause ] There goes Shemp with a haymaker! [ a loud punch is head off-camera, followed by a splashing sound ] There goes Shemp!
[ Cut to Shemp laying across the ring ropes upside-down, with his head stuck in a bucket of water. Moe and Larry run up to him ]
MOE: What's the matter with you?!
[ Moe and Larry help Shemp up ]
MOE: Easy, boy!
LARRY: Alright, get "˜im up!
MOE: Up ya go! Up! What's the matta with ya?!
[ Moe and Larry yank Shemp around back and forth while trying to take the bucket off his head ]
MOE: Wait a minute! I'll get it off.
LARRY: Take it easy. I know how to do it!
MOE: Take your hands off!
LARRY: C'mere! I got a system!
MOE: Let me have it!
LARRY: Now, wait a minute!
MOE: Thatta boy! Here ya go!
LARRY: Wait a minute!
[ Moe and Larry finally get the bucket off of Shemp's head. A dazed Shemp falls the ground afterwards, but Moe and Larry help him back up ]
MOE: Take it easy, kid. Take it easy! Easy, kid!
SHEMP: [ extending his arms ] Let me at him! Let me at him!
MOE: Quiet, stupid! He's gone!
SHEMP: Oh. Oh, he can't take it, eh? A good thing for him...I'd have ripped him...limb from limb...
[ Shemp falls back down but Moe and Larry catch him ]
MOE AND LARRY: Easy, kid, easy! Easy, kid, easy!
SHEMP: Alright. Hey...what's good for a...fractured skull?
MOE: I dunno. [ slaps Larry ] What's good for a fractured skull?!?
LARRY: I don't know, either!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Is it fractured?
[ Cut to two gangsters, Moose and Chuck, entering the gym ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Thatta boy! Here ya go!
LARRY: [ off-camera ] Wait a minute!
[ The gangsters walk over to the Stooges ]
LARRY: Too bad, Shemp. You were way out in front.
SHEMP: That's when I should've quit.
MOE: You should've quit before you got started!
MOOSE: Hey! Which one of you guys is boss around here?
ALL STOOGES: [ pointing to each other ] He is!
MOOSE: Oh, wise guys, huh? Well, I got a message for ya from Big Mike.
MOE: Big Mike? We never heard of him.
MOOSE: You will.
[ The Stooges bravely stand up to Moose ]
SHEMP: Wait a minute, are you trying to scare somebody?
ALL STOOGES: [ fearfully backing away ] Well, okay!
MOOSE: Alright, now get this straight. That palooka of yours ""- he ain't winning his fight with Gorilla Watson.
MOE: Why not?
MOOSE: Because Big Mike says so.
MOE: But, listen...
MOOSE: No buts! Just see that that palooka of yours gets himself knocked out. [ to the other gangster ] C'mon, Chuck.
[ Moose and Chuck leave ]
SHEMP: Grr! They can't go this to us! I'll call the police! I'll call the fire department! I'll...I'll call the marines! I'll...
SHEMP: That's what I mean -- I'll shaddap!
LARRY: What are we gonna do now? We got every cent we own bet on The Chopper.
MOE: [ snaps his fingers ] We gotta tell The Chopper to throw the fight.
SHEMP: [ snaps his fingers ] You guys tell him. I'll be there to pick you up and carry you out.
MOE: [ to Larry ] Maybe muscle-brain is right. We gotta find another way out.
[ The Stooges try to think of an idea ]
LARRY: Say, The Chopper went gaga over Kitty. I'll keep bringing her around, he won't train, and by fight time, he'll be as soft as putty.
MOE: That's it, porcupine! We'll feed him all kinds of rich food, he'll soften up, and he'll be a cinch to lose!
SHEMP: That's a swell idea. Am I glad I thought of it!
[ Moe slaps Shemp and he and Larry grab him ]
MOE: What?! You thought of what?! You thought of what?!
SHEMP: Let go of my...
[ Fade-out ]
[ Fade-in to Chopper and Kitty sitting at a table. The Stooges walks over with plates of cake, pie, and cream puffs ]
CHOPPER: Oh, baby, it's swell having you here with me all the time.
KITTY: I know, honey pie, but don't you think you oughta start doin' some trainin'?
MOE: Oh, think nothing of it. The Chopper is getting right in the condition we want him.
SHEMP: [ holding the plate of cream puffs to Chopper ] Here, have some cream puffs.
MOE: They'll build you up!
CHOPPER: My favorite fruit! Ha, ha! [ takes a cream puff ]
LARRY: Take some more. We got a lot of them.
[ The Stooges give Chopper more cream puffs ]
KITTY: But baby doll, if you eat too much of that stuff, you won't be in shape to knock out Gorilla Watson.
CHOPPER: Aw, honey, the way I feel now, I don't wanna hurt nobody.
[ The Stooges wink at each other, then walk off-camera ]
CHOPPER: Honey baby, after lunch, will you read me another poem about love?
[ Cut to the Stooges watching Chopper and Kitty ]
LARRY: My idea's workin' out swell. Look at him. He's so goofy you could knock him down with a handful of peanuts -- without the shells!
MOE: Yeah, the way he's packin' it in, The Gorilla will knock him stiff in the first round.
SHEMP: He's sure makin' a pig of himself! [ begins gobbling down a cake ]
MOE: Look who's talkin'! [ throws a pie in Shemp's face ]
MOE: [ taking Shemp's cake ] Gimme that cake! [ eats the cake ]
SHEMP: [ licking the cream on his face ] Mmm! If I only had some coffee!
[ Dissolve to a sign that reads "MAJESTIC FIGHT ARENA" ]
[ Dissolve to the Stooges outside of the arena. They walk around each other in a circles a few times, then bump into each other ]
ALL STOOGES: OH!!
MOE: [ grabbing Shemp by the collar ] What's the matter with you?!
SHEMP: Let go! [ straightening out his suit ] You're bendin' the stripes!
LARRY: Listen, it's gettin' late. I wonder what's keepin' The Chopper.
[ Shemp looks at his watch, then holds it to his ears ]
MOE: What does your watch say?
MOE: [ punching Shemp in the stomach ] C'mon!
[ Moe plunks Shemp in the nose ]
LARRY: Listen, he oughta be here by now. We gotta get him ready for the fight!
MOE: Don't worry about gettin' The Chopper ready for the fight. Worry about carryin' him out afterwards!
[ Suddenly, an angry Chopper comes storming by ]
CHOPPER: Let me at "˜im! Where's that Gorilla Watson?! I'll tear him apart!
MOE: [ grabbing Chopper ] Chopper, Chopper, Chopper, Chopper! What happened?
CHOPPER: "What happened"?! Me and Kitty had a big beef -- that's what happened! She threw me over for that big gorilla! Ooh, I'll murder "˜im!
MOE: Now, now, now -- don't be hasty!
SHEMP: [ holding a cream puff ] Here, have a cream puff!
CHOPPER: [ shoving the cream puff in Shemp's face ] I don't want no cream puff! Ooh, I'm mad! [ to Moe ] Oh, wait'll I get him in the ring! I'm gonna smash "˜im! I'll smash him like... [ notices a garbage can ] like this -- [ punches a hole in the garbage can, then walks inside the arena ]
[ Moe looks at the hole in the garbage can, then looks off-screen at Shemp in shock ]
[ Moe walks up to Shemp, who has cream puff all over his face ]
SHEMP: How do you like that guy?! Busted a perfectly good cream puff!
MOE: You lamebrain! We're gonna be rubbed out after the fight, and you're worried about a cream puff! [ grabbing the cream puff out of Shemp's hand ] Why, you!
[ Moe throws the cream puff at Shemp and Larry, but they duck and it flies off-camera ]
[ Cut to Gorilla Watson and his manager walking nearby. The cream puff hits Gorilla in his face ]
[ The Stooges twitch in shock ]
MANAGER: [ trying to hold Gorilla back ] Gorilla, don't lose your temper, when you got fightin' to do in the ring!
[ Gorilla angrily walks over to Moe and pushes him against the brick wall ]
GORILLA: Why, you little punk! [ aims a punch at Moe ]
[ Moe ducks, causing Gorilla to punch the wall instead ]
GORILLA: [ holding his hand in pain ] OOH! MY HAND! OOH!
MANAGER: [ looking at Gorilla's hand ] Ohhh, my gosh -- it's busted! [ opening the door to the arena ] Come in, quick, we gotta call this fight off! [ to Moe ] This is your fault!
[ Gorilla and his manager walk in the arena ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] You and your cream puffs -- I oughta...
LARRY: Leave "˜im alone! That's the best break we could get. With the fight called off, we got nuttin' to worry about.
MOE: By golly, you're right!
[ Moose and several other gangsters walk out of the arena door and behind the Stooges ]
MOE: I'd like to see Big Mike's face when he finds out what we did.
MOOSE: Well, take a look!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Why don't you stop poppin' off?!
SHEMP: I didn't open my mouth!
[ The Stooges slowly look behind him and twitch when they see Moose and the other gangsters ]
MOOSE: You guys figured an easy way out of this jam, but it ain't gonna work. Big Mike has got 100 grand on the gorilla. No fight, no 100 grand. That is bad.
SHEMP: Look -- you tell Big Mike...
[ One of the gangsters speaks up ]
BIG MIKE: I'm Big Mike! Whaddaya wanna tell me?
SHEMP: Oh, hello. [ looking at the sky ] Isn't it a lovely evening?
BIG MIKE: Yes, it is. And when I stand a chance to lose 100 grand, I like to do somethin' about it. Like takin' my pals for a ride -- a one-way ride!
[ The Stooges try to sneak away, but the gangsters grab them and take them away ]
ALL STOOGES: Wait a minute! Hold on! Cut it out!
[ Dissolve to an outside shot of a warehouse ]
[ Dissolve inside the warehouse, where the gangsters bring the Stooges inside and push them against a wall ]
BIG MIKE: [ pointing a gun at the Stooges ] Back up against the wall!
SHEMP: Please don't shoot me, Mr. Big Mike! I'm too young and good-lookin' to die! [ pause ] Well, too young! [ walking over to Big Mike ] I got a father. I got a mother. I got a grandmother. I got a little sister. [ crying ] Eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb!
[ Briefly cut to a close-up of Moose crying at Shemp's sob-story ]
SHEMP: [ holding his hand low ] I got a little brother this high. [ holding his hand lower ] And a little brother this high. [ holding his hand lower ] And a little brother this high. [ holding his hand lower ] And a little brother this high. And then I got a great, big brother this high -- [ raises his hand and slaps the gun out of Big Mike's hand ]!
BIG MIKE: What?!
[ Larry kicks Moose in the leg as the Stooges run away ]
MOOSE: OOOWWWWWWWWW!!! HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!!!
[ Cut to an overhead shot of the gangsters chasing the Stooges all throughout the warehouse and bumping into each other along the way ]
[ Cut to Moe and Moose running on opposite sides of a pile of crates. They both run towards each other and crash into each other, falling down ]
MOE: [ running away ] NYAAAAAH!!!
MOOSE: [ running after Moe ] OOOOHHH!!
[ Cut to Larry being chased around a pile of crates by Chuck. When Chuck stops and peeks over the edge of the crates, Larry sneaks behind him. Chuck then looks behind him ]
LARRY: NYAAAAH!!! [ runs away ]
[ Cut to Shemp running up to a pile a crates and crawling next to it. Big Mike walks by on top of the crates. Both Shemp and Big Mike pass by each other without even noticing it. Then Big Mike jumps down back on the floor and Shemp stands up, then they both turn around and notice each other ]
SHEMP: Ohhhh!! [ pulls down Big Mike's hat over his eyes, then runs away ]
[ Moe runs over, sees two bricks and picks them up ]
[ Cut to Moose and Chuck running into each other and ready to punch each other, then recognizing each other and running away ]
[ Moe sees Moose headed towards him ]
MOE: Nyaaah! [ throws the two bricks on top of a pile of crates covered by a blanket, then hides behind the blanket ]
[ Moose comes by and takes a seat right in front of the blanket ]
[ Suddenly, the two bricks on top of the pile of crates fall down and bonk Moose on the head, knocking him out ]
[ Moe peeks through a hole in the blanket and sees Moose knocked out, then hides again when he notices someone coming by ]
[ Big Mike comes by and notices Moose ]
BIG MIKE: Tired, eh? [ sits down next to Moose ] So am I. [ takes out a napkin and wipes the sweat off of his head ]
[ Moe reaches a napkin through the hole in the blanket he's hiding behind and wipes Moose's head with it, making it look like Moose is conscious and doing it on his own ]
BIG MIKE: Hey, Moose.
[ Moe moves the back of Moose's head so Moose faces Big Mike ]
BIG MIKE: Seen anything of those guys?
[ Moe shakes Moose's head "No" ]
BIG MIKE: [ looks around for the Stooges, then looks back at Moose ] But we'll get "˜em!
[ Moe nods Moose's head ]
BIG MIKE: Wonder which way they went.
[ Moe shrugs Moose's shoulders ]
BIG MIKE: Well, you go that way [ pointing to the left of the screen ], and I'll go this way [ pointing to the right ].
[ Moe loses grip of the back of Moose's head, causing Moose to slump over Big Mike's lap ]
BIG MIKE: Well, what's the matter with you?!
[ Moe tries to reach over and pull Moose's head back but reaches Big Mike's nose instead and yanks it ]
[ Big Mike rushes over to behind the blanket to Moe, dropping Moose to the floor. We can hear sounds of Big Mike beating up Moe ]
MOOSE: [ off-camera ] Take that, will ya!
MOE: [ off-camera ] OOH!
MOOSE: [ o-c ] And that!
[ Moose comes back to and sees two figures moving behind the blankets ]
MOE: [ o-c ] OOH! Take it easy, now, will ya?!
[ Moose grabs a club and whacks it into the two figures behind the blanket ]
MOE AND BIG MIKE: [ o-c ] OH!
[ Big Mike comes stumbling out from behind the blanket and Moose, thinking that Big Mike is Moe, whacks him on the head with the club, knocking him down to the floor ]
MOOSE: [ seeing that it's Big Mike ] Oh! I'm sorry, boss! Really, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Honest, I... [ looks over and see Moe peeking out from behind the blanket ] Ohh!
MOE: Aaaah! [ runs away ]
[ Cut to Larry walking behind a pile of crates, carrying a club. Moe walks over to the other side and peeks over the edge. Larry sees Moe and, mistaking him for one of the gangsters, whacks him over the head with the club ]
MOE: OH! [ falls down ]
LARRY: [ running all the way around the crates ] Ha, ha! [ sees Moe getting up from the floor ] Hey, Moe, I just got one of "˜em! He was standing right here where you are.
MOE: Was he a short, fat fella?
MOE: Dark hair?
MOE: [ pointing to Larry's club ] Did you hit him with that?
MOE: [ snatching away Larry's club ] That was me! [ whacks Larry on the head with the club, then pulls him back up by the hair ]
[ Suddenly, two gansters come running toward Moe and Larry ]
MOE AND LARRY: NYAAAAAAAH!! [ running away ]
[ Cut to another overhead shot of the Stooges running from the gangsters and bumping into each other ]
[ Cut to Shemp walking up to a garbage can and looking around. The top of the can opens and Larry peeks outside of it. Shemp gets startled when he sees this, then takes and axe and whacks the top of the garbage can with it ]
SHEMP: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
[ Chuck walks over to Shemp ]
SHEMP: [ to Chuck ] I just flattened one of them... [ does a double-take ] OWW!! [ runs away ]
[ A dazed Larry rises out of the garbage can. Moe runs over to him ]
MOE: Whaddaya doin' in there?! [ lifts Larry out of the can, then carries him ] C'mon, get out of there!
[ Moe and Larry run inside of a steel door, then close it. A second later, Shemp runs up to the door and tries to open it ]
SHEMP: [ banging on the door ] Moe, Larry! Let me in! Open the door! I know you're in there! Open up!
[ The gangsters all walk over to Shemp ]
SHEMP: [ trying to open the doorknob ] C'mon, open it up! [ turns over and sees the gangsters ]
BIG MIKE: Oh, so they're in there, huh?
BIG MIKE: Then who were ya yellin' at?!
SHEMP: I was just talkin' to myself! Nobody else will talk to me. Except my kid brother -- [ holding his hand low ] and he's only that high. [ holding his hand lower ] And the other one that high...
BIG MIKE: [ grabbing Shemp ] Why, I met your family before! [ to the other gangsters ] Get somethin' to batter the door down!
[ The gangsters look around, then Big Mike looks over at Shemp ]
BIG MIKE: Wait a minute! [ points to Shemp's head ]
SHEMP: No! No! I gotta soft skull, fella!
[ The gangsters all grab Shemp ]
SHEMP: Let me go, will ya?! Look out there! Let me go!!
[ The gangsters bang Shemp head-first into the door repeatedly ]
SHEMP: You're crushin' my eyebrows!
[ Finally, the door is knocked down. The gangsters drop Shemp to the floor, then rush inside ]
[ As Shemp comes back to and look up, we can hear a brawl in the room between the gangsters and Moe & Larry. Shemp gets up and notices a box of moth balls. He takes them and spills all of them over the floor outside of the door. He then stands next to the door and holds an axe ]
[ Chuck exits the door, grabbing Larry. They begin sliding on the moth balls on the floor and Shemp whacks Chuck on the head with the axe, knocking him down to the floor. Shemp does the same to Moose as he exits while grabbing Moe, then to Big Mike as he exits ]
[ Cut to Larry continuing to slide then, stopping in front of a pile of crates. Moe slides towards him and he catches him ]
MOE: [ looking at the knocked-out gangsters ] Oh, boy!
[ Shemp runs over to Moe and Larry ]
LARRY: [ shaking Shemp's hand ] Thatta boy, champ!
MOE: [ shaking Shemp's head ] Nice work, champ!
SHEMP: Ha, ha! I batted 1000% in the racket league!
[ Shemp suddenly swings his axe at Moe and Larry, but they duck ]
SHEMP: I never thought I was a southpaw!
MOE: [ angrily grabbing Shemp ] Why, you!
[ Two cops enter ]
COP #1: Well, what's goin' on here?
[ The Stooges point to the knocked-out gangsters on the floor ]
COP #1: Well, for the love of Pete! If it isn't Big Mike and a couple of his boys. [ looking at the Stooges ] Who did it?
SHEMP: I did it with my little hatchet. [ humbly ] Oh, it was nothin'!
COP #1: "Nothin'"?! Nothin' but a $5,000 reward. Good work!
[ Chuck comes back to and grabs a gun. He points it at the Stooges and cops, but the Stooges duck out of the way and Cop #1 kicks Chuck's arm back, causing Chuck to shoot a hole through a can marked "RED PAINT". The cops quickly take the gangsters away. As the Stooges are watching them leave, red paint drips all over Shemp's shirt ]
SHEMP: [ looking at the paint ] Blood! [ staggering around ] I'm dyin'! Everything is gettin' dark! Moe, Larry...
MOE: What's the matta, kid?
SHEMP: They got me! [ falls down and passes out ]
MOE: Take it easy, kid! Take it easy! Say a few syllables! [ to Larry ] We better get a doctor.
LARRY: Wait a minute! I studied medicine for three years.
MOE: Good. See what's wrong with him, doc.
[ Larry presses his ear against Shemp's chest ]
MOE: Is he hurt?
LARRY: [ sadly ] He's gone!
MOE: [ crying ] Poor kid! And I owe him five bucks!
[ Shemp suddenly comes back to ]
SHEMP: Wait a minute, I heard that! [ holding out his hand ] Gimme the five!
MOE: Lay down! You wanna make a fool outta the doctor?!
[ Moe and Larry lift Shemp from the ground and begin slapping him around ]
[ THE END ]