Transcription by xraffle:
[The short opens up with the stooges standing outside selling scorecards as cars pass by in the street]
CURLY: Dopey Dan's daily double. Fifteen Cents! Get your---
[Moe slaps Curly in the face by accident when he holds up his scorecards]
MOE: Pinkham Penny's picked parlay.
CURLY: Get your---
[Larry slaps Curly in the face by accident when he holds up his scorecards]
LARRY: Hardtacker's handicap.
MOE: Get a scorecard! You can't tell the players without a scorecard.
[Curly starts to listen to what Moe is saying]
MOE: I don't mean to misrepresent you and cast my jurisdiction upon ya, but today I'm giving away a house and lot, a diamond-studded wristwatch, a special sedan, and as an added prize, I'm giving away a custom-built secondhand tire.
CURLY: I'll take that.
MOE: Who's talking to you? [slaps Curly in the face with the scorecards]
CURLY: Oh! Mm.
LARRY: Wait a minute! It's no use. There's nobody stopping for us.
MOE: They will. Come here.
[The stooges stand in the middle of the street and they lay Curly down]
MOE: Lay down. Now you stay there and when he stops, sell him one of these.
LARRY: If he stops.
[Moe and Larry give Curly a scorecard]
MOE: Here comes one now.
[Moe and Larry run to the sidewalk. Curly is laying in the middle of the street]
CURLY: Get your daily double here.
[A car passes by and runs over Curly. After the car passes by, Curly disappears. Moe and Larry run up to the middle of the street]
LARRY: He's gone.
[Curly sticks his head out of a sewer manhole and he waves his hand to the driver that passed by and ran over him]
CURLY: [turns around and sees another car coming at him] Hey!
[Curly quickly ducks into the manhole. After the car passes by, Curly sticks his derby hat out of the manhole to make sure there are no more cars coming. Curly puts his derby back on and he sticks his head out of the manhole.]
[Another car comes by and crashes into Curly's head]
CURLY: [holding his head in pain] Hmm.
[The driver stops and looks at Curly. The stooges run up to the driver]
MOE: Listen buddy, you can't afford to miss a terrific chance like this. A winner everyday.
LARRY: I'll guarantee you four winners.
CURLY: I'll make it five.
DRIVER: [interrupts the stooges] Just a minute. There's only eight races.
CURLY: Last race, dead heat. Two winners.
DRIVER: That so?
DRIVER: Well, give me one.
CURLY: Woo ha ha ha ha.
[Curly reaches inside his jacket pocket, takes out a scorecard, and gives it to the man]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk
DRIVER: [looks at the scorecard] Just a second. These horses ran day before yesterday.
CURLY: They won, didn't they?
DRIVER: Ye--- give me back my money.
MOE: No mistakes rectified after you leave the window.
DRIVER: Oh a bunch of crooks, huh? [yells] Police! Police!!
CURLY: There's one over there. [points off-camera]
[Cut to a policeman walking down in the sidewalk]
DRIVER: [calls out to the policeman] Hey officer! Hey come here.
[The stooges run away]
DRIVER: [yells] Police!
POLICEMAN: Hey! [runs after the stooges]
[The stooges run to the front of the store where we see a bunch of mannequins standing. The stooges stand still next to the mannequins. The policeman runs by the stooges because he thinks they are mannequins. It turns out that the mannequin next to Curly is a robber who is also running away from the policeman. He turns to Curly]
ROBBER: [to Curly] Say, buddy, is that cop after you too?
CURLY: Yeah, I--- [realizes the mannequin is talking to him] Ah ah ah!! Woo!!
[The robber runs away and Curly grabs Moe in fright]
MOE: [frees himself] What's the matter with you?
[The policeman comes from off-camera and stands in front of the stooges, still thinking they're mannequins. Curly approaches him, thinking he's the robber]
CURLY: I thought you was a dummy, but I--- [The policeman turns around and Curly sees him] Tut tut tut tut!
POLICEMAN: Ah, trying to pull a fast one, huh? [takes out his handcuffs] Give me your hand.
[Curly stands next to the dummy and he sticks out the dummy's hand. We hear the dummy make a creak sound]
[The policeman handcuffs his hand with the dummy's hand]
CURLY: Now, I've got to go. [runs away]
POLICEMAN: Hey! Hey!
MOE & LARRY: Nahhh! [Moe and Larry run away]
[The policeman runs after the stooges and drags the mannequin along with him]
[Cut to a big board with a picture of a house. On the house, it reads: "Miracle Home Builders, Inc. If you buy a home like this, it's a miracle"]
[Moe and Larry stop in front of it. Curly opens the door of the house from the inside]
CURLY: [whistles] Come on in the house.
[Moe and Larry enter the fake house and close the door. The policeman runs past the house still dragging the mannequin.]
[We hear a head bonk sound]
[Curly walks around the board and knocks on the front of the fake door. Moe opens the door and answers it]
CURLY: Pardon me. But I'm working my way through college, and I---
[Moe sticks his finger in Curly's nose and pulls him back in the house]
MOE: Come on.
CURLY: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Oh! Ohh!
[Moe lets go of Curly's nose]
MOE: Boy, that was a close shave.
CURLY: [points off-camera] Hey fellas, look!!
[At the end of the fake house, we see a living room set placed around a vacant lot. The stooges run towards the living room]
MOE: Spread out!! [pushes Curly and Larry out of the way]
[Moe lays down on the couch and relaxes]
MOE: [in an English accent] Stebbens, draw my bath.
LARRY: Yes, milord. Hot, cold or muddy?
MOE: Oh, as you wish.
[Larry grabs a watering can and hangs it on top of Moe. Water sprinkles all over Moe. Moe gets up all wet]
LARRY: What's the matter? Too hot?
MOE: No, too muddy.
[Moe grabs a picture frame and breaks it on Larry's head]
[Cut to Curly who is looking through a box of junk]
CURLY: Oh! Hehe.
[Curly sees a horn on the chair]
CURLY: Oh, a bazoonie.
[Curly blows through the horn, but no sound comes out]
[The horn plays a note]
[Curly blows through the horn twice, but no sound comes out]
CURLY: [exhales] Hmm.
[The horn plays two notes]
CURLY: [startled] Ah!
[Curly blows through the horn, but no sound comes out]
CURLY: Ah! Hmm! [takes out a handkerchief and starts wiping the horn while he hums] Na nee nee.
[Curly sticks his head near the horn. The horn plays a note]
CURLY: [startled] Oh!!! Hmm. Hmm.
[Curly gets ready to start blowing on the horn again, but all of a sudden, we hear a full band playing]
CURLY: Ah! Ahh! Ah!
[Curly starts dancing]
CURLY: Tah tah tah! [The music stops] Ahh!
[Curly gets furious and growls. He grabs the horn and sticks his arm inside of it.]
CURLY: Arghh! [We hear a crunch sound] Oh oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Hey Moe! Hey Moe! Hey Larry! It's got me. It's biting me. Get it! Get it!
[Moe and Larry help pull the horn off of Curly's arm]
[Curly gets his arm free]
CURLY: Mmm. [barks at the horn] Arff! Arff! Ar---
[A towel comes out of the horn and hits Curly in the face]
CURLY: Mm mm mm mm!
[Curly throws the towel on the floor and stomps on it]
CURLY: Hmm! Mm!
[A mother and her little girl enter and approach the stooges]
MOTHER: Why, gentlemen!
CURLY: What do you mean by coming in our apartment without knocking?
MOTHER: This is my furniture. I was dispossessed yesterday.
[Moe, Larry, and Curly move their heads to the left and then to the right. As they do this, we hear a clacking sound]
CURLY: Why didn't you call up Washington? Get yourself an F.B.I. loan. [Moe gives Curly an angry look] Nyah!
DAUGHTER: [to her mother] Mommy, could I have some milk now?
MOTHER: Not now, darling. Maybe later mommy can get you some.
MOE: [to Curly] You heard the kid. Scram! Get her some milk.
CURLY: With what?
MOE: [grabs a pail] With this.
[Moe puts the pail over Curly's head and punches him.]
CURLY: Oh ho ho ho!
[Curl falls off-camera and we hear a crashing sound]
[Moe and Larry run up to Curly.]
MOE: Hey Curly!
[Moe and Larry help get all the broken furniture off of Curly. Curly lays there unconscious]
MOE: Hey kid, say something.
LARRY: I'm afraid you finished him.
MOE: Oh no, not that.
[Moe listens to Curly's chest. As he does so, he accidentally kneels on a talking doll]
DOLL: Mama! Mama!
[Moe and Larry look at each other in fright. Moe listens to Curly's chest again and he accidentally kneels on the doll again]
[Moe grabs the phone]
MOE: [on the phone] Give me Ripley! Yeah, believe it or not!
CURLY: [regains consciousness] Hey! You gotta dial first.
MOE: Yeah, here! [hits Curly with the phones]
CURLY: Oh! Hmm.
MOE: Go on. I'll mash you like a potato.
[The scene ends and a new scene begins outside where we see Curly holding the pail looking for milk. Curly knocks on the door of someone's house. He then sees the milk the placed near an open window. When Curly sticks his hand in the window to get the milk, he accidentally knocks the wood that's holding the window up. The window closes on Curly's hand]
CURLY: Oh! Oh oh! Mm! Oh!
[Curly sees a goat drinking milk from another goat. The goat bleats]
CURLY: Oh! Hahahaha!
[Curly approaches the goats and they bleat]
[The baby goat runs away and bleats. Curly places the pail under the goat and waits for it to give milk. The goat bleats]
CURLY: [imitating the bleating] Oh ye-e-e-s.
[The goat bleats]
CURLY: [imitating the bleating] Oh ye-e-e-e-s. But when?
[The goat and the baby goat both bleat]
[Curly whistles at the baby goat and it runs up a little closer to Curly, but runs away again as it bleats]
[A ram bleats twice. Curly gets up and sees the ram. The ram bleats and runs up to Curly]
CURLY: Wooo wooo! [gets ready to run]
[Curly runs up to the ram and we hear a head clank]
[We see the ram knocked down on the floor]
CURLY: Now let that be a lesson to you. Hmmm!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in the mother's house. Moe has just finished building the house]
MOE: There we are! Home sweet home. Nothing left to do but have it insured. Haha!
[Curly brings a pitcher of milk to the table]
CURLY: Here's the milk for the baby.
[Curly pours the milk into a glass and hands it over to the little girl]
DAUGHTER: Thank you!
[The girls drinks the milk and she bleats. Moe and Curly look shocked. The girls drinks the milk again and she bleats again]
CURLY: No, New York.
MOE: Ah! [grabs Curly by the neck]
CURLY: Oh stop it!
[Larry runs up to Moe and Curly.]
LARRY: Hey, fellas! Look what I got.
[Larry unwraps the paper in his hand and takes out a fish]
CURLY: Hmm, smelt!
MOE: Here, scale it. [takes the fish and gives it to Curly]
[Curly starts pretending that the fish is a harmonica. He starts playing notes of the scale with the fish]
MOE: What are you doing?
CURLY: Scaling it.
MOE: Go. Cook that thing! Make the head well done, the middle medium and the tail rare.
[Curly bleats. Moe gives Curly an angry look. Curly runs to the kitchen with the fish]
[Curly places the fish on a pan. He opens the oven and places the pan near the open oven]
CURLY: [humming] Na nee na!
[Curly walks up to the icebox to get something out of it. While he's not looking, a cat eats the fish that's on the pan]
[Curly takes some butter out of the icebox. He sees a fake dog sitting on top of the icebox]
CURLY: [to the fake dog] Speak. Come on, speak! Ruff! Hahahahaha!
[Curly grabs the pan and sees that the fish is gone]
CURLY: Ar--- Ah ah! Musta been a flying fish. I don't---
[Curly sees a wooden fish placed on a wooden board. He thinks it's a real fish, so he grabs it]
CURLY: Ohh! Plank fish!! Hahahahaha!
[Curly rubs butter on the fish and wipes it with his sleeve]
CURLY: Haha! Hahaha!
[Curly places the fish in the oven and closes it]
[A new scene begins in the mother's house. Moe, Larry and the mother are waiting for Curly to finish cooking the fish. Curly takes the fish out of the oven and places it in the center of the table]
CURLY: Plank fish.
[Moe tries to cut the fish with a knife, but can't]
MOE: [to Larry] What kind of fish you say this was?
CURLY: See? Saw.
[Moe takes out a saw]
[Moe looks at Curly. He then begins to saw the fish.]
CURLY: See? Saw!
[Moe looks at Curly, and then resumes sawing the fish. Moe finishes sawing the fish]
MOE: Ahhh! There we are!
[Moe starts giving the pieces of the fish to everyone. Everyone begins eating]
MOE: [to the mother] Sort of a delicacy.
[Curly is having a hard time chewing his fish. As he chews, we hear a crunching sound]
CURLY: Saw. See!
[Moe attempts to spit some of the food out on the floor, but the mother looks at him. Moe just smiles at her and continues to eat. Moe bonks his head twice as he struggles to chew the fish]
[Curly takes out a metal ring from his mouth]
[Curly taps the ring on the table. He then adds salt to it and puts it back in his mouth.
[The mother and Moe look at each other and smile as they continue to eat their fish.]
[The metal ring falls out of Curly's mouth. Everyone looks at Curly. The scene ends]
[A new scene begins at the horse racing tracks. Moe, Larry, and Curly walk by the entrance]
MOE: [to Curly] Hey, what's on your mind?
CURLY: You know, if we could get into the track and if we had a tip, we could bet on a horse. If we had some money. Hehehe!
[Moe taps Curly on the chest and hurts his hand]
MOE: [sticks his hand inside Curly's jacket] What are you smuggling?
CURLY: Hmm. Hmm.
MOE: Turn loose or I'll---
[Moe takes out a small piggy bank. He shakes it and the coins jingle]
MOE: Why you cheap crook, stealing a baby's bank.
CURLY: It's only a lend-lease. I figured I'd bet on the fifty to one shot and double the baby's money.
MOE: Why you imbecile! Why don't you pick a hundred to one shot and triple it?
CURLY: Oh, ok!!
MOE: Wait a minute! If we spend any money to get in there, we won't have any left to bet on a horse.
LARRY: What'll we do?
[The stooges see some men showing their press badges to the guard]
MAN 1: Press!
MAN 2: Press!
MOE: Come on, follow me.
[The stooges walk into the washroom. The stooges walk out of the washroom and approach the entrance.]
WOMAN: [to the guard] Press!
MOE: [to the guard] Press!
LARRY: [to the guard] Press!
CURLY: [to the guard] Pull! [taps his derby hat on his head] Eeehh! [runs past the entrance]
[Cut to two people, Bud and Joe.]
BUD: Well, it don't look like we're gonna get any suckers today.
JOE: No, I got a good notion to go back into vaudeville with my ventriloquist act.
BUD: Oh, you probably forgot how to throw your voice by this time.
JOE: Oh you think so?
[Cut to the stooges]
MOE: Well here we are! Let's look the bangtails over. Come on!
[Moe and Larry walk off-camera]
[A horse snorts and Curly sees it. Curly walks up to the horse]
[Cut to Bud and Joe]
JOE: [to Joe] Look!
[Curly is admiring the horse]
JOE: [to Joe] Watch me have some fun with that sap.
CURLY: [to the horse] Say, you look pretty good to me.
JOE: [in a fake voice] You're not bad looking yourself, big boy!
CURLY: Oh, I bet you tell that to--- oohh! Are you talking to me?
[The horse nods its head]
JOE: [in a fake voice] Yeah!! Bet all you got on me sucker. I'm gonna win this race.
CURLY: No kidding?
JOE: [in a fake voice] No kidding.
CURLY: Woo woo. That's all I wanna know. Woo! [runs off-camera]
[Cut to Moe and Larry. They're looking at a newspaper]
LARRY: How about that?
MOE: No that's a mudder.
[Curly runs up to Moe and Larry]
CURLY: Woo! I got a tip. A hot tip.
LARRY: What's her name?
CURLY: It's no her. It's a him.
LARRY: What's his name?
CURLY: Bearded lady.
[Moe and Larry look shocked and angry]
MOE: Who gave you the tip? The owner?
CURLY: No, the horse. [leaves]
[The fanfare starts playing]
MOE: [to Larry] Boy.
LARRY: [surprised] The horse!
MOE: The horse?? Hey!
LARRY: Come here!
[Moe and Larry run off-camera and chase after Curly]
[Curly walks backward and appears on-camera humming]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins at the horse tracks. The horses begin racing]
ANNOUNCER: They're off! Hangover's taking the lead, Pickup is running second and Bicarbonate is running a bad third. Bicarbonate is moving into contention and Pickup is fading fast. Nip and tuck between Hangover and Bicarbonate and Pickup. And here comes bearded lady, the winner!! Bearded Lady by eight whiskers!
[The scene ends and new scene begins at the clerk window where the stooges are claiming their money. The clerk is counting the money. As he does so, the stooges nod their heads.]
CLERK: Five hundred dollars.
CURLY: Ah! [grabs the money] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk! [huffs at the money]
[Curly is about to put the money in his pocket, but Moe stares at him. Curly gives the money to Moe]
[The stooges walk past Bud and Joe. Joe stops them]
JOE: Say, wait a minute. You boys are too good to be bettin' on horses, you oughta to own one.
CURLY: I think you got something there.
BUD: You said it!
JOE: And we're gonna sell ya one. Come on boys!
[Bud and Joe grab the stooges and pull them. The stooges are all chattering as they are being pulled]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins with Joe and Bud showing the stooges their horse]
JOE: Well there you are, boys. Seabasket, the wonder horse.
MOE: Looks more like a fugitive from a glue factory to me.
LARRY: I wouldn't have him as a gift.
CURLY: [to the horse] I bet you never won a race.
JOE: [in a fake voice] I won the Kentucky derby once.
CURLY: Ah! No.
JOE: [in a fake voice] Yeah.
CURLY: What else?
JOE: [in a fake voice] I beat Filet Mignon in the Porterhouse Stakes.
CURLY: Woo woo. That's good enough for me.
[Curly grabs the money from Moe and gives it to Bud and Joe]
CURLY: We'll take him
[Bud and Joe walk towards the end of the room.]
[Moe grabs Curly]
MOE: Why you--!
CURLY: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Come here. [to the horse] Tell him what you told me. Come on! Hehe! I--- [the horse doesn't respond] Tell him!
MOE: Why you sap!
[Moe pushes Curly and Curly falls on the horse]
JOE: [in a fake voice] Just for that, I'll never speak to you again.
[The stooges hear the horse talking. They look scared. The scene ends]
[A new scene begins with the stooges sleeping on a mattress. The horse snorts on the mattress. As the horse does so, the stooges make weird noises. The horse bites Curly in the rear.]
CURLY: [yells] Ow! Oh!
[The stooges wake up]
MOE: What's the matter?
CURLY: Seabasket bit me.
MOE: Must be time for his vitamins. [grabs a pipe]
CURLY: [grabs a big pill] Ok let's go.
MOE: Whoa boy, whoa!
CURLY: You hold his mouth open and I'll blow this pill down his throat.
[Curly sticks the pipe in the horse's mouth. As Curly gets ready to blow the pill, the horse snorts and we hear a gulp sound. Curly begins gasping]
MOE: What's the matter?
CURLY: I swallowed the pill!!
MOE: That was Vitamin Z!
[Curly whinnies and snorts like a horse]
CURLY: Did that come out of me?
MOE: Yeah. Take it easy!
[Curly neighs like a horse]
MOE: Whoa! Whoa! Ho, blubberhead, ho! Ho! Ho! [Moe jumps on Curly and rides him like a horse.]
[The scene ends and new scene begins with Moe and Larry pacing back and forth in front of the operating room]
LARRY: I wonder how he is.
MOE: I don't know, I don't know. What's keeping that doctor?
[The door opens and slams on Moe and Larry's face. And man with a face mask comes out of the room]
MOE: Ohh! How's the patient, doc?
CURLY: Fine! [takes off his mask] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
MOE: Why you---
[The doctor comes out of the room]
DOCTOR: The patient is alright. It's a boy.
[A man comes out of the room and brings out a colt]
MAN: Here he is, son!
CURLY: [to the colt] Ahahahahahaha! I wonder if you can talk.
CURLY: Hmm! Hahahaha! Another winner!
[The stooges laugh as they hug the colt]
CURLY: A combination ticket!