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"You stole our girls, you horse thieves!" - Cy Schindell (I'M A MONKEY'S UNCLE, 1948)

Bookmark and Share NO CENSUS, NO FEELING

Average Rating:     [9.59/10]   32 votes


The Stooges, upon escaping from the police after another random act of unintentional vandalism, suddenly find themselves employed as census takers. Making their rounds, they help out a bridge club party where Curly has spiked the punch with alum (thinking it was sugar), and invade the field of a football game to census the players.

The football sequences were filmed at USC.

Curly's Thanksgiving remark alludes to the 1939 law establishing Thanksgiving as a legal holiday to be celebrated on a Thursday.

IMDb Rating


Moe, Larry and Curly
Release Date
October 04, 1940
Production Type
Short Subject
16.6 min.
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Production Notes   (2)
Prod. No.:   474
Shooting Days:   4 days   From: 1940-05-25   To: 1940-05-29

Stooge Mayhem   (Avg. 6.00)
Face Slaps: 18 Eye Pokes: 4 Head Bonks: 2 Pastry Thrown: 0

Stooge Quotes   (12)
  • "Roses are red, and how do you do? Drink four of these, and Woo woo woo woo!"

  • "We just got a job. We're working for the census." "You mean Will Hays?"
    (Moe and Curly)

  • "Good morning, sir. I'm the census taker. Are you married or happy?"

  • "What was your family decomposed of?" "Well, I'll tell you. There was a litter of three, and I was the one they kept."
    (Moe and Curly)

  • "Boy, you got brains like Napoleon." "Napoleon's dead." "I know it."
    (Moe and Larry)

  • "She looks like a million." "Aww, she can't be that old."
    (Moe & Larry)

  • "Gimme my four cents." "Will you take five?" "Oh, a bonus -- SURE!" (SLAP)
    (Larry & Moe)

  • "Lake Winnipesaukee... how do you spell that?" "W-O-woof... make it Lake Erie. I got an uncle there."
    (Moe & Curly)

  • "A little heavy on the angora bitters, in fact, I think the goat walked right through it, I'm sure."

  • "Maybe it's the 4th of July." "The 4th of July, in October?" "You never can tell, look what the did to Thanksgivin'!"
    (Curly & Moe)

  • "I'll take vanilla." "What, you don't like chocolate?" "I still like vanilla." "Well, have some." [smack!]
    (Moe & Curly)

  • "I was one of a litter of 3." "Now, don't tell me you were the one they kept?" "Nah, I was the one they threw away."
    (Moe & Larry)

Stooge Goofs   (7)
  • Celebrating Too Early
    During the football game, there's a shot of the crowd cheering with confetti flying in the air before the game has even finished.

  • Census Book
    After Moe hits Curly in the kitchen, he leaves his census book on the table, but it's folded under his arm in the very next scene.

  • Disappearing Background Actors
    When the Stooges crash into a fence, there are people walking behind them, but they're suddenly gone in the next shot.

  • Disappearing Football
    The football in the back of Curly's shirt disappears with no explanation.

  • Early Preparation
    Right before Moe's about to punch Curly in the nose at the beginning of the film, Curly has his eyes closed and is not supposed to see the punch coming, but you can still see him grimace in anticipation of the punch.

  • Falling Grater
    When Curly puts the grater down on the table, it falls right back off.

  • Pointy Ice Cream Cone
    Was Curly supposed to stab his hand with the ice cream cone when he was trying to get it off his face?

Stooge Routines   (1)

Stooge Trivia   (0)

No trivia have been logged for this episode.

Audio Files   (2)
  • I'm Takin' Census
    Wave Sound (48.79 Kb)
    "I'm sorry! I'm takin' census!" "Well have some!" [Crack] "Ow, ow, ow ow!"

  • Family
    Wave Sound (55.46 Kb)
    "What was your family decomposed of?" "Well, I'll tell ya. I was one of a litter of five... and I was the one they kept!"

Video File   (Y)

Transcript   (Y)

Transcription by Moron4392:  

The short starts with a camera close-up on four people walking down the sidewalk in front of "The Square Deal Swap Shop."

(The shopkeeper is opening the store for the day. He is dusting his merchandise and then opens his awning that is the bed of Larry, Moe and Curly. They come falling out of the awning onto the sidewalk yelling in pain).

MOE to CURLY: (Moe has a mad look on his face and madness in his voice, with Larry standing behind him). "What's the idea, turning over in your sleep?"

LARRY to MOE: (Larry taps Moe on the shoulder and says). "Leave him alone."

MOE to LARRY: "What are you buttin' in for?"

(Moe goes to hit Larry but Larry has a pot on his head and Moe hits the pot with his right fist instead).

(As Larry is removing the pot from his head, Curly is standing behind Moe laughing, "n'yuk, n'yuk, n'yuk." As Moe hits Larry with his left fist).

(Moe is rubbing his sore fist and Curly taps him on the shoulder with a look of mischief on his face and has a small pot on his head).

CURLY to MOE: "Hey."

(Moe then hits Curly in the face, knocks the pot off of his head and Curly is rubbing his sore nose and yells in pain).

(Curly with a mad and determined look on his face picks up a pot to hit Moe with).

MOE to CURLY: (With a really mean look on his face says). "What are you gonna do with that?"

CURLY to MOE: "Get rid of it."

(Curly then throws the pot over his left shoulder not realizing where it is going to land then the pot breaks a whole set of dishes that were on display in front of the store).

(When Moe, Larry, and Curly realized what the did, are running from the store scared and Curly is saying, "unh, unh, unh, woo, woo, woo.")

(The shopkeeper comes running out of the store furious to see what has happened. When he has noticed the display of broken dishes, he is looking in the direction where Moe, Larry, and Curly are running.)

SHOPKEEPER: (Yelling). "Police, police, police."


They stop in front of a building with a sign on that says: "Census Takers Report Here." They run in the building for protection, from being caught by the police. They did not know at the time they were gonna be signing up to be census takers).

(Moe says, oooh, oooh, and Curly says "woo, woo, woo.")

(As The Stooges rush into the building through a revolving door they push out another man sending him falling down the stairs with other people looking at him as he gets up and runs up the stairs and into the building to get his place back in line).


(The policeman is standing in front of a tobacco shop. The mad shopkeeper approaches the policeman).

SHOPKEEPER to POLICE OFFICER: "Oh, Mr. Policeman, three tramps just wrecked my store."

POLICEMAN to SHOPKEEPER: "Which way did they go?"

SHOPKEEPER to POLICEMAN: (Pointing down the sidewalk in the direction of the Census Bureau says). "Down, there."

(The police officer and the shopkeeper are running in the direction of the Census Bureau).


(The Boys are holding their census books in their hands).

CURLY to MOE: (With a look of determination on his face and waves his hand). "Now, what?"


(Both the police officer and the shopkeeper are running up to his store).

SHOPKEEPER to POLICE OFFICER: "They broke all my dishes."

(Moe, Larry, and Curly are just walking out of the Census Bureau, and then they notice the policeman and they hot foot it out of there with scared looks on their faces and Curly is shouting, "unh, unh, unh.")


(The Stooges are running from the policeman and stop in front of the staircase by the building and Moe looks down the sidewalk on his left).

MOE to LARRY and CURLY. "Hey, jiggers."

(Then Moe, Larry, and Curly put their census books up to their faces to be not noticed by the police man and the shopkeeper that are running past them and the shopkeeper and the police officer did not notice The Stooges).

(After the police officer and the shopkeeper run by, and Larry, Curly, and Moe realize they are free lower their books from their faces).

CURLY: (With a look of happiness on his face and laughs and says). N'yuk, n'yuk, n'yuk, that's that"..

(Larry is standing behind Moe and has a look of glee on his face when he also discovered they escaped the police man).

MOE to CURLY: (With a mad look on his face and a mad sounding voice ). "Wait a minute, flathead, we just got a job, we're working for the census."

CURLY to MOE: (With a perplexed look on his face says). "You mean, Will Hayes."

(Larry is still standing behind Moe with a questionable look on his face).

MOE to CURLY: (Shaking his fists and a mad look on his face says). "The census, the census, we get four cents a name for taking the census."

LARRY to MOE: "Where are we gonna get the census?"

CURLY to MOE: (Replies). "Yeah, where are we gonna get 'em?"

(Moe is now thoroughly mad at both Larry and Curly).

MOE to CURLY and LARRY: (As Moe takes his book and hits Larry and Curly on their heads says). "I'll take care of that."

(Curly with a hurt look on his face says "Yow," and Larry also has a hurt look on his face).

(Moe is looking at Curly while Larry is standing behind Moe).

MOE to CURLY and LARRY: (As Moe is looking at Curly says). "Now spread out, the more people we see, the more money we make."

(Then a beautiful lady walks past The Boys, and they all have happy looks on their faces).

MOE; (As he points to the lady says). "A customer."

CURLY to MOE: (Replies with a look of glee on his face says). "What a customer."

MOE to CURLY and LARRY: "Come on."

(Moe, Larry and Curly (saying woo, woo, woo,) are running down the sidewalk after the beautiful lady).

MOE to LADY: (As he taps her on the shoulder). "Pardon me, what's your name?"
LARRY: "And your address?"
CURLY: "What's more important, what's your phone number?"

(The lady being mad at Moe, Larry, and Curly thinking they are getting fresh with her, takes her pocketbook and hits them across their faces with it. Then she walks away with a disgusted look on her face).

(Curly then says to the lady as he waves his hand at her, "Ruff").

CURLY to MOE: (In reference to the lady). "Wrong, number."

MOE to LARRY and CURLY: "From now on, it's everyman for himself."

(Moe and Larry run down the sidewalk to their rights and Curly starts down on his left. They Curly notices the police man, and says "yun, yun," and then runs after Moe and Larry).

(Moe is standing on a porch and rings the doorbell and a gentleman answers the door).

MOE to MAN: (As Moe takes off his hat when the gentleman answers the door). "Good morning sir, I am the Census Taker, are you married or happy."

(The gentleman was getting ready to answer Moe, when his wife shouts, "Henry," when the gentleman ducks down and sits on the steps as Moe gets hit in the face with a plate and is knocked down the steps, dropping his hat and book. When Moe sits up totally dazed and is rubbing his face licks the tip of his pencil and using his hand as his book, says with a look of wonderment on his face goes to check "MARRIED").

(Moe realizing he did not have his book, reaches behind himself and hurtfully picks up his book and writes in it).


(He is sweeping up the pile of broken dishes as Larry is running up to him).

LARRY to SHOPKEEPER: "Pardon me sir, I am a census taker, what business are you in?"

SHOPKEEPER to LARRY: (With madness in his voice). "I own this store, what's left of it."

(A police man is walking out of the store after examining it for damages).

LARRY to SHOPKEEPER: "Oh, Shopkeeper, eh?, "What's the name?"

(Then the shopkeeper and Larry match eyes and the shopkeeper recognizes Larry as one of the people who has helped break the dishes. Larry with a scared look on his face and a scared sounding voice says, "Oooh, oooh," as he ducks down to avoid being hit with the shopkeepers broom).

(The police man is walking out of the store and gets hit in the face with the shopkeepers broom).

(The shopkeeper is shouting. Larry then escapes and the Police man falls backwards knocking down a baby cradle and breaks another set of dishes).

(The shopkeeper is now in total state of panic, drops his broom and not realizing that he has hit a police man, is jumping up and down shouting). "Police, where are police?"


(Curly, Moe and Larry are in the home of rich people).

CURLY to the MAID: (As they both are in the kitchen and Curly has a happy look on his face and his census book in his hand says). "Ah, come on baby, tell me do you live alone or with your folks?" "If you live with you alone, what are you doing tonight.?" (N'yuk, n'yuk, n'yuk).

MAID to CURLY: (In a happy tone of voice and a happy look on her face says). "Oh, I will not talk, until I get permission from Madame."

CURLY to MAID: (With a really happy look on his face says). "And, if she says it's okay, you will answer my questions?"

(The maid then strutts away in a happy pace and a look of happiness on her face).

MAID to CURLY: "Ah, oui, oui."

(Curly in total state of happiness drops his book saying 'woo, woo, woo, 'eee, eee, eee'. Then Curly falls to to floor knocking over the kitchen table).

(Curly then gets up hurt and mad saying, 'un, un, un,' as he stands up the table).

(Curly then approaches the kitchen counter and says 'Woo, n'yuk, n'yuk, n'yuk, as notices a chef's hat and puts it on).

(Curly is now singing in happiness as he is opening bottles of alcohol and is adding it to the bowl of punch that is sitting there, he has a bit of trouble removing the cork from one bottle and his himself in the face when he does remove it).

(There is a knock on the kitchen door).

CURLY: "Come in."

(Moe then enters the kitchen with his census book in his hand. Walks over to the kitchen table and sets down his hat and sits down opening his book).

MOE to CHEF, Curly: "Good afternoon chefie, I am the census taker."

CHEF, Curly to CENSUS TAKER, Moe: (With his back to Moe and is shaking his hand says). "Well, you got me at a busy time."

(Moe with persistance in his voice as he is sitting at the table).

MOE to "CHEF:" (As Moe licks the tip of his pencil says). "Oh, it will only take a few moments."

MOE to "CHEF:" "Now, where were you born?"

"CHEF" to MOE: "Lake Winapasakee."

MOE to "CHEF:" "How do you spell that?"

CURLY to MOE: (As he is standing over the punch bowl grating a lemon says). "W-O, WOOF, make it Lake Erie, I got an uncle there."


(Moe now has a mad look on his face).

MOE to "CHEF:" "What was your family decomposed of?"

"CHEF" to MOE: "Well, I'll tell ya, there was a litter of three and I was the one they kept, n'yuk, n'yuk, n'yuk."

(Moe now knows that the chef is Curly, approaches him from behind, slaps him on the back of his head, knocking off the chef hat).

"CHEF" to MOE: "Hey".

(Curly with a mad look on his face and a hurtful sounding voice turns around to see that it is Moe and with a scared look on his shouts 'en, en, en,' as he squirts Moe in the face with a lemon).

(Moe is now mad at Curly and wiping lemon juice off of his face).

MOE to CURLY: (As he takes the lemon squeezer from Curly's hands says). "Why you------"

(Moe then takes the lemon squeezer and grabs a hold of Curly's nose with it and crushes it in total madness).

(As Moe is "crushing" Curly's nose, Curly is yelling out in pain 'ow, ow, ow, ow, wow, wow, wow, wow, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo,' then he waves his hand in front of Moe).

(Moe being mesmerized by Curly waving his hand starts to fall forward toward the kitchen counter, where he grabs a hand grater and then Moe is "grating" Curly's face and Curly is yelling out in pain, 'ooooh, ooooh, ooooh, arf, arf, arf, ah, ah, ah.').

MOE to CURLY: (Who is furious at Curly and shakes his finger at him says). "Let that be a lesson to ya."

(Moe then waves his index fingers in front of Curly and gives him a double eye poke).

(Curly who is now mad at Moe, picks up the hand grater and is getting ready to throw it at Moe with a disgusted look on his face says, 'um, um, um.'").

(Then Curly forgets he has the grater in his hand , goes to rub his sore face, but gives himself one final grate instead).

(Curly now is thoroughly disgusted with both Moe and the grater goes to throw the grater on the the kitchen sink, but it lands on the floor instead. Curly is now rubbing his very well "Grated" face).

(Curly then leans a bit forward, putting his fingers up to his eyes as if he is peaking to make sure that Moe is gone).


(Moe is now entering the living room with his census book in his hands).

(Moe approaches a man laying on a couch with a newspaper over his face).

MOE to NAPPING MAN: "Pardon me, stranger, I am the census taker, where were you born?"

(Larry is lying very comfortably on the other couch, with a pillow under his head and one under his back).

LARRY to MOE: "Lake Winapasakee."

(Moe is now getting mad and is looking at the man on the couch with the newspaper over his head thinking he is Larry).

MOE to LARRY: "How many in the family?"

LARRY to MOE: "I was one of a litter of three."

(Moe now thoroughly disgusted, throws his book on the floor, and shouts and points his finger at the gentleman on the couch still thinking that is Larry).

MOE to LARRY: "Now, don't tell me you were the one they kept?"


LARRY to MOE: "Nah, I was the one they threw away."

(Moe is so thoroughly mad at Larry that he shouts 'I ya' and pounces on the man with the newspaper thinking that he is Larry and madly crushes the newspaper and thoroughly smashes the man in the face. Still not recognizing the gentleman who is now sitting up in deep pain as Larry, starts pounding the man on his head very madly).

(The gentleman gets up in a very mad mood and a mad look on his face and is approaching Moe).

MOE to NAPPING MAN: "I'm sorry, I'm taking census."

(The napping man then stands up very mad with his cane in his hand).

NAPPING MAN to MOE: (As he hits Moe over the head with his cane and breaks it says). "Well, have some."

(After the napping man has broken his cane over Moe's head, throws the handle part on the floor and walks away very disgusted).

(Moe is rubbing his head and has a painful look on his face and is yelling, 'ow, ow, ow,').

(Larry then sits up in the other couch and is yelling hysterically at Moe).

LARRY to MOE: "Hey, what is the idea, I saw him first."

(Moe then approaches Larry thoroughly mad and with a disgusted look on his face).

MOE to LARRY: "Oh, you did?"

LARRY to MOE: "Give me my four cents."

(Moe who is now beyond disgusted with Larry is giving him a mean look).

MOE to LARRY: "Will you take five?"

LARRY to MOE: (With a happy look on his face says). "Oh, a bonus."

(Moe then slaps Larry in the face).

(Moe is in a stuper, and is yelling madly at Larry and shouting, 'Why you, I am gonna get you,' Moe then runs behind the couch after Larry, while Larry is jumping over the couch to get away from Moe).

LARRY to MOE: (As he runs away). "You are really mad."


(The maid then tells the party host that there are people in the house who wants to take the census).

HOST to MAID: "Census?"

MAID to HOST: "Oui, Madame."

HOST to MAID: "And at a time like this, and when I am two players short for my bridge game."

(The host then walks away disgusted saying). "Dear, me."


(Larry has his book in his hand and is trying to hide behind an armoire. Moe then grabs Larry by the hair and drags him over to one of the doors and smashes his head in the door madly. Larry is yelling out in pain).

MOE to LARRY: (As he is crushing Larry's head in the door says). "Lake Winapasakee, one of a litter of three, hun, a three litter man, eh")?

(While Moe is crushing Larry's head and Larry is yelling out in pain, Symona (the party host), walks into the den).

(Moe then kicks Larry in the backside).

LARRY to MOE: "Oh, thanks, I would never got out without you."

MOE to LARRY: (As Moe is getting ready to squeeze Larry's neck). "Why, you'll never get out of anything."

(Just as Moe goes to crush Larry's neck, Host, Symona walks in and shouts). "Gentlemen."

(Larry has his book in his hand and Moe is bending over to pick his up both run over to her).

(Larry is standing behind The Party Host with his book opened).

MOE to HOST: "Now, calm yourself, we're census takers, how old are you?"
LARRY: "What address is this?"

HOST to LARRY: "102."

MOE to HOST: "You don't look a day over 80."

HOST to MOE: (With madness in her voice says). "Young man, I'm 29."

MOE to HOST: (With sarcasim in his voice says). "Oh, yeh?"

HOST to MOE: (With a happy look on her face). "Well, how do I look?"

MOE to HOST: (With a smile on his face says). "Oh, you look like a million."

LARRY to MOE: (Replies). "Ah, she can't be that old."

(Larry then takes hold of her head, while Moe is opening her mouth and looking at her teeth, like they do horses to try and determine her age).

LARRY: "43."
MOE: "50."

LARRY: (Once again says): "43."
MOE: (Once again says): "50."

(While Larry has his hand on her head and Moe is holding her mouth open and she is yelling in pain, has a shouting match about her age).

LARRY: "43."
MOE: "50."

LARRY: "43."
MOE: "50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50."

(Curly then opens the swinging kitchen door, takes a bow and points his finger and says). "Sold, American."

(Moe mad a Curly throws his book at him and hits Curly in the in the face).

(Curly then puts his hand to his face and is rubbing it and saying, 'ouch, ouch, ouch.'").

(Then Curly waves his hand at Moe, disgusted and says as he goes back into the kitchen, "Em-em-em").

(Curly as he is entering back into the kitchen,slaps his thigh and says, 'Oop,'then gets hit in the back of the head with Larry's book, looses his balance and falls into the kitchen).


(The host gives both Moe and Larry a disgusted look).

(After Curly gets up waves his hand disgustedly at the door and says 'Hun,'").


(Curly is in the kitchen and is standing in front of the punch bowl and takes a taste and says). "Not sweet, enough."

(Curly then looks around the kitchen for some sugar but doesn't see any so he goes and opens a cupboard door and takes out a box of what he thinks is powdered sugar).


(The box that Curly thinks is powdered sugar, is actually "Fine Powdered Alum").

(Curly with the box alum in his hand, still thinking it is powdered sugar has a really happy look on his face and is singing as he walks over to the punch bowl dumps the entire box in).


HOST to LARRY and MOE: (Moe is sitting down and Larry is standing up next to her). "You gentlemen are very kind to sit in, we play for ten cents a point."

(Larry has a look of glee on his face and is rubbing his hands, and still is standing beside her).

LARRY to HOST: "Jacks are better to open?"

(Moe with a mad look on his face stomps Larry on the foot and with the others watching him, Larry yells out in pain).

LARRY to MOE and HOST: (Rubbing his sore foot and hobbling away says). "I'm playing over here."

MOE to HOST: "Are duces wild?"

(Larry then goes to sit down says to gentleman at his table). "Deal 'em up, sir."

(Then Moe in relization of what he said goes "un, um").

MOE to HOST: (As Moe is picking up his cards). "No sandbaggin' now."


MAID to CURLY: "Madame wants me to serve this now."

CURLY to MAID: (With the two of them both with really happy looks on their faces). "Relax, I'll take it, and don't forget toots, I have a date to take your census, n'yuk, n'yuk, n'yuk."

(Curly then carries the punch bowl into the dining room and sets it down on a table top and the maid then pours several cups of punch and is walking away to serve them).

(Curly has a look of happiness on his face as the maid walks away and he says, n'yuk, n'yuk, n'yuk. Then he looks around and goes to the punch bowl and picks up the ladel).

(Moe is holding his cards and is looking at the host in wonderment as she is deciding what to bid).

(Moe then notices that Curly is going to take a taste of punch from the ladel and whistles loudly at Curly).

CURLY to MOE: (With the ladel of punch says). "I was just gonna water the flower."

(Curly as he is singing happily pours the ladel of punch on the flower and causes the flower to close up and Curly has a perplexed look on his face, rubs it and says in amazement to the flower). "Hun, what are you puckering up about."

(The maid is now serving the punch, first to Moe and the Host and her table as she is dealing the cards).

HOST to HER PARTY TABLE: "I know you're gonna enjoy that drink, I made it myself."

BRIDGE PARTNER (Vernon Dent) to HOST: "It looks good."


(He then drinks down the punch and comes up with a mesmerized look on his face and is rubbing his lips. Then his look turns into a look of bitterment when he has tasted how horrible and bitter the punch is).

HOST to PARTNER: (With a happy look on her face). "Do you like it?"

PARTNER to HOST: (With a puckering sounding voice and a puckered look on his face). "Yes, it's delicious."

MOE to HOST: (As he picks up his punch says). "Well, here's mud in your eyes."

(Moe takes a drink of the alum spiked punch and has a look of bewilderment on his face as he tries to find a place to spit it out).

(Moe is not able to find a place to spit it out, swallows in down bitterly and shakes his head from the bad taste).

HOST to MOE: "Does your drink taste all right?"

MOE to HOST: "A little heavy on the angora bitters, in fact I think the goat walked right through it, I'm sure."

HOST: (Picks up her cup of punch and says happily). "Cheerio."

(The other guests including Moe picks up theirs).

(Moe has a look on his face as if to say, I don't want to drink any more of this. Then Moe gives a look and smile of politeness and pretends to take a small sip).

(There is a quick camera shot on the host smiling happily with her cup in her hand).


(He is giving the host a polite, but bitter look, as he also politely takes a small sip).


(She is happily drinking down her punch but after she finishes it has a dazed look on her face as if to say what is in here, but being polite about the matter, gives a small smile as if she is enjoying it).

(Moe then takes another small drink, shakes his head and says, 'wow'").


(They are also drinking their punches, and after they have finished all have looks of wonder on their faces).


(She has her lips puckered up from the bitter tasting punch).

MOE to HOST: (With a puckered sounding voice). "Sorta an internal hot foot."

HOST to MOE: (Also with a puckered sounding voice and puckered lips leaning towards Moe says). "You say the most amazing things."

MOE to HOST: (Thinking she wants to kiss). "Can't now, everyone is looking."


(He is saying 'hun, nun, hun, and is taking his finger and rubbing it around his teeth trying to get rid of the bitter taste. Then he gets his finger stuck in his mouth. Then Larry finally pops his finger loose from his mouth).


(Moe is trying to loosen up his lips to be able to bid).

MOE'S PARTNER to MOE: (With his lips puckered up and a puckered sounding voice says). "Who's bid?"

MOE to HIS PARTNER: (Also all puckered up points his finger at him and says). "You bid."

PARTENR to MOE: (Still puckered up says). "Two diamonds."

HOST: (Pushing in her lips and says in a puckered voice). "Three no trump."


(Moe is now trying not to talk in a puckered voice but does not succeed says). "Three, fo -fo."

MOES PARTNER to MOE: (Still puckered up and a look of wonder on his faces says). "What did you say?"

MOE: (Smiling and puckered). "Three, fo -fo."

MOE to HOST: (In a puckered voice). "Are you gonna say somethin'?"

HOST to MOE: (So thoroughly puckered up tries to speak clearly but all that she says is). "Umm, mooie."

(Moe and the host are trying desparately to loosen up their lips but are succeeding very well).

MOES PARTNER: (Shouting). "Who bids?"

MOE to PARTNER: (Still thoroughly puckered up says). "You bid."


(Larry makes a play and everyone at his table are totally puckered up and shouting 'Un, un, un,' and pointing at the card Larry played in disagreement to Larry's move).

(Everyone is still fighting in garbled English about Larry's play. Larry then takes a card and hits the gentlemen at his left with it, then takes another drink of 'Alum' punch).


CURLY to MAID: (As she is smiling says). "Roses are red, and how do you do? Drink four of these and woo-woo-woo."

(Curly then goes to drink from the ladel and it has slipped down his hand. He then pushes it back-up and then it slides down again. And the maid is laughing).

(Then Curly is able to drink from his ladel while the maid is drinking from her cup).

(After Curly has finished his punch and is realizing how bitter it is, has a look on his face and says 'Ha cha - cha - cha - yeh.' Then he rubs his face and says 'cha - cha - cha - cha."

MAID to CURLY: (Totally puckered up from the alum punch says). "What's wrong with this punch?"

CURLY to MAID: (As he kisses her on the lips and says to her). "I didn't think you cared."

(The maid is now thorougly mad a Curly slaps him on the face).

MAID to CURLY: (In a mad and puckered English as she slaps him on the face says just before she walks away). "Ah, socha, socha, soma, soma, soma, soma, soma").

(As the maid is leaving mad, Curly then has a mad look on his face and then barks at her).


(Moe is now finally getting a hint that Curly has now been "making" the punch).

MOE to HIS BRIDGE TABLE: "Pardon me."

(Then he gets up still thoroughly puckered and a hit of madness on his face, approaches Curly).

MOE to CURLY: (In puckered English). "A dibba - dibba - dibba - dibba punch?"

(Curly thinking that Moe is not mad at him smiles and says ). "N'yuk, n'yuk, n'yuk." And then extends his hand to Moe. But Moe instead of shaking Curly's hand slaps his across the face).

(Curly is now really mad at Moe and takes both of his hands and gives Moe several good smacks on the kisser, then Curly says, 'unh - unh', and waves his hand at Moe).

(Moe is now beyond disgusted with Curly as he picks up the punch bowl full of punch to throw it at him).

(Symona, (Host), is now entering the room as Curly ducks from being hit with the punch and she gets covered with the punch instead).

(She is saying in a mad voice and a mad look on her face). "A-boo, a-boo, a-boo, a-boo."

(Curly and Moe realizing what just has happened. Curly runs away saying 'un.' Moe then picks up the empty punch bowl and throws it at Curly and as the punch bowl lands on Curly's is saying). "Why, you."


(Moe has a look of hurt on his face as Curly is sitting there on the floor in pain and wearing the punch bowl is shouting, 'Yow, woo, woo, woo, woo'").


(She is yelling madly 'A-boo, a-boo, a-boo, a-boo, at Moe and Curly for throwing the punch on her).

(She then goes into the dining room, with all of the other Bridge Guests laughing at her and she doesn't know why).

(When she realizes why they are laughing at her because her dress has shrunken and you could see her under garments. She then pulls down what is left of her dress and runs out totally embarrassed."


(They are standing in front of a house, holding their census books).

MOE to LARRY and CURLY: (As Moe is running down the stairs says). "Nobody home in that house either."

LARRY to CURLY and MOE: "Where is every body?"

CURLY to MOE and LARRY: "Maybe it's the Fourth of July?"

MOE to CURLY: "The Fourth of July, in October?"

CURLY to MOE: "You never can tell, look what the did to Thanksgivin'?"

(Moe is mad at Cutly, with Larry standing behind him gets ready to sock Curly in the nose when they hear a crowd of people cheering).

MOE to LARRY: (With Curly looking at Moe and Larry). "Why don't you stop yelling?"

LARRY to MOE: (With a perplexed look on his face). "That ain't me?"

(Moe then realizes where the yelling is coming from and he points to a crowd of cheering people).


(A football game is in progress).

(Curly and Larry also have happy looks on their faces at the crowd).

MOE to LARRY and CURLY: (With happiness on his face and glee in his voice says). "There must be 100,000 people there we'll make a fortune."

MOE to CURLY: "How much is four cents times 100,000?"

(Curly says, 'en,' then he is pointing in the air using that as his adding machine buttons as he is making adding machine sounds with his mouth and moving his head back and forth as the carriage return. When Curly has completed the calculations he pulls out the adding tape from his suit coat and says to Moe). "A dollar and a half."

MOE to CURLY: (With a questionable voice). "A dollar and a half?"

CURLY to MOE: "That's without tax."

MOE to CURLY: (With a mad sounding voice and as he hits Curly in the stomach says). "Without tax."

MOE to LARRY and CURLY: (As he points to the crowd says). "To the census."

(Moe, Larry, and Curly all run in different directions to do the census and they klunk heads).

(Larry is standing next to Moe rubbing his sore head and sore foot).

MOE to CURLY: (Mad at Curly). "Where are you goin'?"

CURLY to MOE: (With a questionable sounding voice). "To the census."

MOE to LARRY and CURLY: "Well, come on."

(Then Moe, Larry, and Curly run to the cheering crown hopefully to complete the census).


(There is a fence with a sign on it that says "Players Only," and a football team dressed in red jersies running through the gate to get to the playing field).

MOE to LARRY and CURLY: (As they get into a huddle as Moe says). "Let's run for it."

MOE to LARRY and CURLY: "To the census."

LARRY: "Let's go."

(As they try to get throug the gate, a guard pulls it shut and they go crashing into the fence and fall backwards to the ground).

(Moe, Larry, and Curly are sitting up and shaking their heads in pain).

GUARD to MOE, LARRY, and CURLY: (As the guard is waving his hands says to them). "No game."

(Moe and Larry gives the guard a mad look while Curly barks at him madly).


(Moe, Larry, and Curly dressed in red football jersies and carrying their census books say as they are running through the gate).
LARRY: "Quarterback."
MOE: "Halfback." (As he enters through the gate backwards looking at the gurard).
CURLY: "Hunchback." (As he has a happy look on his face and points to the football down his shirt to make him a hunchback). N'yuk, n'yuk, n'yuk.

(The poor guard has a total look of wonderment on his face as he is thinking to himself about the status of The Stooges).



(Moe and Larry approach the bench of red football players).

LARRY: (With his census book in his hand as he pushes himself in between a couple of the players says). "Move over fellas."

MOE: (Also with his census book in his hand also pushes himself in between a couple of the players says). "Spread out boys, we're census takers."

(Curly then comes and sits down by "Red Player #20" who is the last player on the bench also holding his census book).

CURLY to RED PLAYER #20: (As he looks at the player says). "You're so big, I ought get eight cents for you."

CURLY to RED PLAYER #20: "How old are you?"

RED PLAYER #20 to CURLY: (As he shoves Curly off of the bench and Curly is landing on the ground, on his backside and deflating the football in his shirt says). "Scram."

(The players then go into the game).

(Curly is sitting on the ground with a dazed look on his face at Red Player #20 as he is leaving for the field still holding his book and his deflated football).


MOE to RED PLAYERS: "Hey, wait a minute."

(Larry and Curly are also saying wait a minute as they are chasing Red Player #20, back and forth in front of the bench).

(Moe, Larry, and Curly are saying to the Red Players):

LARRY and MOE: (In unison). "This is the census."

CURLY: "Hey what's the big idea, what are you so stubborn for?"

(Moe, Larry, and Curly are standing on the field with their books in their hands and perplexed looks on their faces).

CURLY to RED PLAYER #20: "What's the idea, I just want to ask you a couple of simple questions."

(Red Player #20 is now walking with his knees bent and Moe and Larry following after him walking the same way and Curly is running behind them).

MOE and LARRY to RED PLAYER #20: "Hey, listen give us a break."

MOE to RED PLAYER #20: (As the player is marching in place to limber up for the game while Moe, Larry, and Curly are doing the same). "If you will answer this question."

(Red player #20 then runs away from them with Curly shouting at him as The Stooges are chasing after him saying). "I only have one thing to ask of ya."

CURLY to RED PLAYER #20: "Why don't ya give us a break?"

MOE and LARRY to RED PLAYER #20: (In unison). "Yeh, why don't ya?"

(The Stooges are running in one direction as the player is running in the other direction and he hits Curly in the stomach and knocks Curly down).


(Curly is flat on his back yelling, 'Ah, ah, ah, as Red Player #20 walks over Curly's face with his cleets).

(Curly is now mad and is getting up barking).

(A man with an ice cream cart entitled "Ice Cream, Artic Pies" and has a picture of a castle on it walks by Curly).

CURLY to ICE CREAM MAN: (With a happy sounding voice). "Oh, refreshments."

(The red team is on the field in a huddle planning out their plays while The Stooges are trying to make their ways in saying to the players).

MOE: "You can trust us."
LARRY: "We'll only tell the government."

LARRY and MOE to RED PLAYERS: (In unison, as they are running around them in circles saying). "Come on fellas, give us a break."

CURLY: (Runs in with the ice cream cart shouting). "Red hot ice cream, frozen frankfurters, Curly then claps his hands, a prize in every package folks step up--------."

(Curly is being approached by Larry and Moe who are mad. Curly then cringes and is hiding his face from Moe with his hands).

MOE to CURLY: "What are you up to, we gotta make these guys talk."

(Curly is bending over the ice cream cart as he is removing an ice cream cone).

MOE to LARRY: (Pointing his finger). "You take the right end, I'll take the left end."

MOE to CURLY: (As Curly is holding the ice cream cone). "What will you take?"

CURLY to MOE: (In answer to his question). "I'll take vanilla."

MOE to CURLY: "What, you don't like chocolate?"

CURLY to MOE: I still like vanilla."

MOE to CURLY: (As he pushes the cone into Curly's forehead). "Well, have some."

(Curly has the ice cream on his head and is mad at Moe).

LARRY to CURLY: (In reference to the ice cream). "You'll still take vanilla."

CURLY to LARRY: (Still wearing the ice cream). "Hun, yeah."

LARRY to CURLY: (As Curly is looking at Moe and still wearing the ice cream). "Well, I like chocolate."

(The football coach just blew the whistle to inform the players that it is time to play).

(The players are now running onto the field).

MOE to LARRY and CURLY: (Shouting as they are picking up their census books). "Hey, they are getting away from us."

(Moe, Larry, and Curly run to mix with the red team).

MOE to RED PLAYERS: "Will you quit playing games, we got business to do."

LARRY to RED PLAYERS: "Just a couple of questions, that's all."

(As the red players go to meet the blue players to start the game The Stooges are running with the red team and Moe is saying). "Hey, wait a minute, here."

CURLY to RED PLAYER #20: (As he opens his book). "I am getting sick and tired of this, how old are you?"

RED PLAYER #20 to CURLY: "27."

CURLY to RED PLAYER #20: (As he goes to record the answer). "Now, we're getting some place."

(Red player #20 is calling out different play numbers 27, 19, 83, 27, 72).

CURLY to RED PLAYER #20: (Thinking that the player is calling out different ages says). "Why don't you make up your mind?"

(Then the two teams start to make their moves. The red team goes to make a tackle and Curly is caught up with them, and is knocked to the ground on his face).

(The crowd is jeering and throwing things at the red team because of their foul play).


(Curly is knocked to the ground with a foot in his face. He goes to twist the foot thinking it belongs to another player, but in return he finds out it is his foot. He has a hurt look on his face and yells 'yow'll, ow, ow,' in pain).

(Curly then sees another foot not knowing that it is still his. Twists it again and once again he finds out it is his and yells in pain).

(Curly is shouting as he is twisting his foot in total pain). "Hey, that's me."

(Curly when he finally realizes that he is twisting his own foot has a stupid and sheepish look on his face).

CURLY to HIS FOOT: "Hey, it's me, how did you get up there?"

(The coach then blows the whistle and the two teams get up and Curly is being crushed by them saying, 'oooh, oooh, oooh, hi, ya, ya, ya.)"

(Moe throws down his book as he is running over to Curly mad, and is helping Curly up).

MOE to CURLY: "Why didn't you stop him, Applehead?"

CURLY to MOE: "I couldn't he was in to big a hurry."

MOE to CURLY: "Wait a minute, if we could only steal that ball, they'd talk to us."

(Larry is running happily up to Moe and Curly with a bunch of chains in his hands).

LARRY to CURLY and MOE: "This will stop 'em, if we tie 'em down, they can't get the ball."

MOE to LARRY: (As he slaps Larry in the face). "What are you waitin' for?"

LARRY to CURLY and MOE: (As he salutes and is running towards the red players with the chains). "Hike."

MOE to CURLY: "Now listen, Knucklehead, we'll hold 'em, and you grab the ball."

CURLY to MOE: (As he bumps Moe says). "Hike."

MOE to CURLY: (As he points in the direction of the red players and kicks Curly in the backside). "Hike."

(Curly then shades his eyes looking towards the players).

MOE to CURLY: (As he kicks Curly in the backside again). "Go, on."


(Larry is hooking the chains on the belt loops of red players #20 and #31).

(Then Larry backs away with the chains dragging them out as far as they will go. Moe then meets up with Larry and is helping him with the chains).

MOE to LARRY: "You've got brains like Napoleon."

LARRY to MOE: (In a questioning voice). "Napoleon,? Napoleon is dead."

MOE to LARRY: (With a mischievous tone in his voice and look on his face). "I know it."

(Larry and Moe then yank on the chains that are on red players 20, and 31's pant loops. Moe and Larry go crashing to the ground while the two players loose their pants and are looking for them).


(Curly is running down the field with the football in his hand and the crowd is standing up and cheering him on).

(The other red players then start to run after Curly trying to catch him and the ball).


(Moe is sitting on top of the ice cream cart and Larry is running, pulling it. Moe is throwing ice cream at the players and the umpire. The crowd is still cheering).

(Curly then runs through the back exit door still with the football and the red players still running after him).

(Moe and Larry ditch the ice cream wagon as it goes crashing into a wall. They are running for their lives down a city street being chased by the red players).

Videography   (1)

Fan Reviews   (5)
Posted 2010-04-30 19:51:40 by Shemp_Diesel
Edited 2014-12-25 12:51:35 by Shemp_Diesel

Yeah, that "litter of 3" gag is funny, especially the second time around when its Moe & Larry. Moe's reaction to "no I'm the one they threw away" is priceless.

10 pokes

Reviewer's Rating: (10)
Posted 2003-12-01 04:41:00 by Stooge
Edited 2008-06-13 06:46:59 by Stooge
Funniest Moments:
-- The whole beginning scene, especially the Stooges falling out of the awning.
-- The "litter of three" gags.
-- Everyone's lip-puckered reactions after drinking the powdered sugar.
-- The sped-up footage of Curly running down the field with the football, while Moe throws ice cream at all the football players.

Interesting Notes:
-- At the end when the Stooges are running from the football players' you could see Curly limping due to his bad ankle.
-- When the maid gives the drinks to the table that Moe and Symona Boniface are sitting at, Moe looks at the maid. Well, pay attention to WHERE on the maid Moe looks at... Naughty Moe!


Reviewer's Rating: (9)
Posted 2003-02-23 06:00:00 by Bruckman
The Stooges as census takers. That's all the plot you get here and that's all this short needs. Every segment of this episodic structure (it's almost a "blackout" or sketch format, using variations on a common idea is a laugh riot, from the boys evading a shopkeeper (silent comedian Max Davidson) to encounters with pedestrians, henpecked homeowners, a society bridge party, and a football game. The running gag of "I was one of a litter of 3..." has long since passed into the lexicon of classic Stoogian dialogue routines, but there's plenty else here too. The football game improves on the one in THREE LITTLE PIGSKINS and the alum gag, though an old one, is given a fresh infusion of laughs with the Stooges' various reactions. "We're working for the census!" "You mean Will Hays?"

Reviewer's Rating: (10)
Posted 2002-09-26 12:18:00 by FineBari3
Man, how many different situations can the boys get into in this short?? (I think it is four). The scene with the alum in the punch is a riot, esp. when Moe is looking for a place to spit it out on the floor! Certainly one of their best....

Reviewer's Rating: (10)
Posted 2001-09-26 03:09:00 by [Deleted Member]
This is an excellent short. Moe is at his angriest and most sadistic when he punishes Larry for beating him to taking the census with the guy on the couch. Moe really goes all out on poor Larry. The following punch-drinking scenes were a riot.I don't like football, so it was a pleasure to see the Stooges sabatoge the game.This is just a little better than their later effort as census takers with Shemp, "Don't Throw that Knife"- which is to say fantastic.ISLIPP-you SLAPP. ®2001Edited by - ISLIPP on 11/15/2001 11:11:03 PM

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