Transcription by xraffle:
[The short opens up in the stooges' apartment. Moe, Larry and Curly are sound asleep and snoring. The alarm clock rings at 11 o'clock. Moe gets up. He grabs Larry by the hair and hits Curly in the stomach]
MOE: Get up! You sleepy heads. Look at me every morning, wide awake. Eleven o'clock.
LARRY: I'm awake.
MOE: [to Curly] How 'bout you?
CURLY: [has his eyes closed] I'm awake but I can't get my eyes open. [Moe eyepokes him] Ow!! Thanks.
LARRY: [to Moe] Hey! How 'bout some breakfast?
MOE: [to Curly] Yeah, how 'bout some breakfast?
CURLY: Yeah, how 'bout--- [turns to his right and no one is beside him] Oh low man again.
MOE: Come on, get breakfast.
CURLY: [gets up out of bed] Oh, I don't know why we're married. Why can't our wives get our breakfast?
MOE: Our wives can't get breakfast and work at the same time.
[Moe and Larry continue to sleep while Curly prepares breakfast. He sticks his hands into the bucket of water and then splashes a little bit on his face]
[Curly grabs a towel and he wipes his hands, face and ears with it. He then grabs a loaf of bread from the bread box. He takes a butcher knife and cuts the loaf into four pieces. He then walks up to the metal ring and bangs on it with a spoon to wake Moe and Larry up]
CURLY: [as he bangs on the ring] Come and get it. Come and get it.
[Moe and Larry get up and the stooges run up to the table to eat the bread. Curly grabs a bar of soap and cuts a slice. He starts eating the slice of soap]
MOE: What's that you got?
[Moe grabs the soap from Curly. He is about to eat it until he smells something strange about. He smells the soap]
MOE: Cheese? That's soap!
CURLY: I thought it taste kinda string. [grabs the soap from Moe and eats it]
[The alarm clock rings again at 11:05am. The stooges run back to bed and sleep. The stooges' wives enter the apartment]
CURLY'S WIFE: [talking to Moe and Larry's wife] Oh I don't know. I think it's kind of hard---
MOE'S WIFE: [sees the stooges sleeping] Those loafers are still in bed.
CURLY'S WIFE: They must have sleeping sickness.
LARRY'S WIFE: [grabs the bucket of water] I'll get 'em up.
[Larry's wife splashes the water all over the stooges while they sleep. The stooges still remain asleep and they open up an umbrella]
MOE'S WIFE: I'll get 'em up. [takes the spoon and bangs on the metal ring] Come and get it. Come and get it.
[The stooges get up and walk up to their wives]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo! Woo woo woo woo!
CURLY'S WIFE: I'm sick and tired of you lying around the house doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day.
LARRY'S WIFE: And I haven't had a new dress since we've been married.
LARRY: Well, we're only married five years.
MOE'S WIFE: Yes and you either go out and get a job or I'll get a divorce.
MOE: Oh honey, not that!
CURLY: We look for a job one day last year. There isn't any.
LARRY'S WIFE: We'll there's one right here. [shows a newspaper]
LARRY: There is?
MOE: What's it say?
LARRY'S WIFE: "Wanted. Salesmen to sell Brighto."
MOE: Oh! We don't know anything about selling.
CURLY'S WIFE: If you don't get that job, you're gonna get out of this house and never come back again.
LARRY'S WIFE: And that goes for you too, you weasel faced porcupine.
CURLY: I know, that goes for me too.
MOE'S WIFE: That goes for all of you, you sleeping hyenas.
MOE: Now wait a minute honey. We'll go out and get this job even if it kills us. Come on fellas.
[The stooges remove their pajamas. Their suits are underneath their pajamas.]
MOE: Now give us a kiss and wish us luck.
[Larry kisses Moe's wife on the cheek. Moe kisses Curly's wife on the cheek. Curly kisses Larry's wife on the cheek]
MOE: Hike! Shift!
[The stooges jump to different positions and this time, they kiss their own wives]
MOE: The hats!
[The stooges grab their hats and put them on]
CURLY: Keep a cool head. That's me.
[The wives throw dishes at the stooges as they leave the apartment. The scene ends]
[The next scene begins outside Mr. Bright's office. The outside of the office says: "Brighto Medical Co.- Mfgs. Of Dr. Bright's Brighto 'Brightens Old Bodies'"]
[Dissolve to the inside of the office. Mr. Bright is talking to his secretary]
BRIGHT: I've advertised for salesmen in every newspaper in town. And not even one single applicant.
SECRETARY: Well since prosperity's back, everybody's working.
BRIGHT: It doesn't seem possible. Surely there's someone I can get. Someone must sell this product. I've got to have salesmen! Salesmen!
[The stooges walk by the office and hear Mr. Bright talking and complaining about not having any salesmen]
MOE: [to Larry and Curly] I think we're being paged. Come on.
[The stooges enter Mr. Bright's office]
BRIGHT: [to the Secretary as she leaves] Salesmen! That's what I need. Salesmen!
MOE: Here we are! Three of the best salesmen that ever saled.
BRIGHT: Have you ever sold anything?
LARRY: Have we ever sold anything?
MOE: Have we ever sold anything?
CURLY: Have we?
[Moe steps on Curly's foot]
CURLY: Oh! Oh! [tries to act casual in front of Mr. Bright] Hello!
BRIGHT: [holding a bottle of Brighto] Well this gentlemen is Brighto!
BRIGHT: The savior of a nation.
STOOGES: Yes! Yes!
BRIGHT: The scientific marvel of the age.
BRIGHT: Yes!! Brighto makes old bodies new.
MOE: [rhythmically] Brighto! Brighto! Makes old bodies new!
LARRY: [rhythmically] We'll sell a million bottles.
CURLY: [rhythmically] Woo woo woo woo woo! Woo woo!
[The stooges each grab a case of Brighto to sell. As they run out of the office, they knock down the table full of Brighto bottles. All the bottles fall to the floor and break. The scene ends]
[The next scene takes place outside. The stooges run around yelling "Brighto" as they try to sell the product]
[The stooges end up seeing each other]
[The stooges continue yelling "Brighto" outside as they try to sell it]
CURLY: [stops Moe and Larry] Hey! What's this stuff for anyway?
LARRY: Why, it's a cleaner, ya chump!
CURLY: I know, it's auto polish.
MOE: You boys really wanna know what it's for?
LARRY AND CURLY: Yeah.
MOE: It's for sale, now get busy selling it.
[Moe hits Larry and Curly in the stomach]
LARRY AND CURLY: Oh! [Moe then hits Larry and Curly on their heads] Oh!
[The stooges continue to sell their product]
CURLY: Right this way folks, the best auto polish on the market.
LARRY: Brighto, cleans and polishes while you wait.
[Cut to a woman with her back turned to the camera. Curly approaches her thinking it's a man]
CURLY: Brighto! Mister, can I rub a little bit of this on your body?
LADY: [turns around. Curly does a double take] You just try it if you want a good punch in the nose.
CURLY: Ruff! Ruff!
LADY: Ssss!! [Curly gets scared and runs away]
[Cut to Moe who is shining a man's shoe]
MOE: Remember the name boss! Brighto! You'll never forget it as long as you live. [Looks at the shoe and discovers a big hole in it] And neither will I. [runs away]
SHOE SHINE CUSTOMER: [looks at his shoe and sees the hole] Hey you!
[Cut to Larry who is selling Brighto next to a gate that reads "Post No Bills." Larry has one of his legs stuck into a hole in the gate to pretend that he's missing a leg]
LARRY: Here we are ladies and gentlemen, Brighto. Just to advertise the world's greatest and fastest cleaner on the market. [A customer walks up to Larry] How 'bout a bottle?
CUSTOMER: Will that stuff clean furniture?
LARRY: I'll say it'll clean furniture.
CUSTOMER: I'll try a bottle. [buys a bottle and leaves]
LARRY: Thank you, sir. You'll never regret it. [continues selling] There ya go! Satisfied customers by the thousands. Here you go--- [A policeman walks up to Larry and startles him]
POLICEMAN: Say, you can't sell that stuff out here with a--- [looks at Larry's leg] Oh, I'm sorry, buddy. I didn't notice the leg was gone.
LARRY: Huh? [looks at his leg] Oh yeah! Gone but not forgotten.
POLICEMAN: Yeah! War, eh?
LARRY: No banana peel.
[The policeman looks confused]
LARRY: Could I sell you a bottle of this Brighto?
[Cut to the other side of the gate. A dog sees Larry's foot through the gate]
LARRY: I just found out that it cleans panamo hats and furniture. Also, if you have a knickknack with a nick in it. It'll knock the nick out of the knickknack with Brighto. Dr. Bright said it's---
[The dog bites on Larry's foot. Larry starts shaking trying to get his foot free]
POLICEMAN: What's the matter?
LARRY: I think I got something. Or something's got me. No!
POLICEMAN: Can I get you something? A glass of water maybe?
LARRY: No, I'll be alright. I just get nervous like this before I make a sale. [The dog stops biting on his foot] There. I guess that's all. [sees a spot on the policeman's coat] Say, you better let me take this spot off your coat.
LARRY: Yes. Oh Brighto is marvelous. It'll take it off in a jiffy.
[Larry takes out a tissue and puts Brighto on it. He rubs the policeman's uniform.]
POLICEMAN: Oh great. I got a little spot over here too.
LARRY: Yeah, we'll get that out in a second.
POLICEMAN: Is it gone?
[Larry stops rubbing on the policeman's uniform. Suddenly, we see a hole in the uniform]
LARRY: It's just another--- [sees the hole] I'll say it's gone. [runs away]
POLICEMAN: Good. Give me a bottle of that stuff--- [turns around and sees Larry gone] Well--- [sees the hole in his uniform] Oh!! Come back here you! [grabs his gun] Halt! Halt! [fires his gun in the air. He accidentally shoots a light and the light falls on his head knocking him out]
[Cut to Curly who is standing in the middle of the street selling Brighto as cars pass by]
CURLY: Brighto! Brighto!
[A car stops in front of Curly]
DRIVER: Want a ride?
CURLY: No, you wanna buy a bottle of Brighto?
CURLY: Then I'll take a ride. Hahaha. [gets into the car]
CURLY: Hey wait a minute. Turn around. [the driver makes a u-turn] Quick! Hey! Stop! Wait a minute!
[The driver stops at the other side of the street]
DRIVER: Well, what's the matter?
CURLY: Nothing. This is as far as I go.
[The driver pushes Curly's face with his hand]
CURLY: Hmm!! Hmm! [gets out of the car]
[As the driver drives away, Curly points his finger out and he taps his derby hat on his head to pretend he shooting the guy. Moe pops up next to Curly]
CURLY: Hmm! [gets startled by Moe]
MOE: Come here, killer! Where's the other chucklehead?
[Larry runs up to Moe]
[A driver stops on the other side of the street. Dr. Harry comes out of the car. The stooges approach him]
MOE: There's a customer! Hurry up!
MOE: [to Harry] Hey mister. Polish your car with Brighto? Makes old bodies new!
HARRY: No, I just had it washed and polished. [leaves]
MOE: They gave ya a bad job.
LARRY: Let's polish it up and surprised him anyhow.
CURLY: Soitenly, after we shine it, he won't even recognize.
MOE: Come on. Make it snappy.
[The stooges begin polishing the car with Brighto as Curly hums]
CURLY: [sees his tissue all black] Hey, this car sure it dirty.
MOE: I hope it's dirt.
[The paint starts coming off of the car as the stooges "polish" it]
LARRY: It looks like the paint's coming off.
MOE: Hey, this stuff is staking the paint off.
[Dr. Harry walks up to his car and sees what the stooges are doing]
HARRY: [yells] Police! Police! Help! Police! Help! Police!
[The stooges start running away. As they run, they bump into a guy who's holding a tray full of pies. The pies go flying and they land on Dr. Harry]
HARRY: If I ever get you guys again, I'll tear ya limb from limb.
[The scene ends and a new scene begins at Dr. Bright's office. The stooges run in]
BRIGHT: Well boys! How did ya do?
MOE: We almost got pinched?
CURLY: Yeah, we rubbed it on a man's car. It's took the paint right off. That polish ain't no good.
BRIGHT: Polish? You idiots! That's medicine.
CURLY: Medicine! Oh! [takes the bottle and drinks some of it] Ah! I feel better already.
MOE: What was wrong with you?
[Moe grabs Curly's nose and slaps it]
BRIGHT: You're fired. The three of you! Get out!
LARRY: Oh wait a minute boss. If we lose this job, we lose our home.
BRIGHT: I don't care if he---
MOE: Oh boss, give us another chance.
LARRY: Aw, just one more chance.
[Dr. Bright walks around the office. The stooges follow him, they go down on their knees, and try to beg him for a second chance]
CURLY: Yeah, be a regular guy!
MOE: You got a kind face.
LARRY: Aw please!
MOE: Aw, it's a matter--- It's a matter of life and death.
CURLY: I didn't know it was medicine.
BRIGHT: Alright! [the stooges stand up] I'll give you another chance.
MOE: All three of us?
MOE: That's three more chances boys. Come on!
[The stooges each grab a case of Brighto to sell. As they run out of the office, they knock down the table full of Brighto bottles again. All the bottles fall to the floor and break.]
[Cut to outside where we see Dr. Harry talking to the policeman]
HARRY: Well, I'll tell ya, they ruined me car.
POLICEMAN: Yes, but look what they did to my uniform. I--- [shows the hole in his uniform]
[Harry and the policeman see the stooges]
MOE: I want to--- [turns around and sees Harry and the policeman] Oh, let's go.
[The stooges run away]
HARRY: There they are! [Harry and the policeman run after the stooges]
[The stooges run up to a truck]
MOE: Quick! In the truck.
LARRY: In the truck.
[The stooges enter the truck. Harry and the policeman run to the truck, but they don't see the stooges anywhere. They look around to see where they are. The truck drives away.]
[Cut to the "Los Arms Hospital" where the truck stops at. The stooges exit the truck]
MOE: Ok boys. The coast is clear. Come on! We sure gave those guys a slip.
MOE: [slaps Larry] Quiet!
CURLY: [to Larry] Shh.
MOE: [sees the "Los Arms Hospital" sign] Look. There must be plenty of sick people in here. This is the place to sell medicine. Come on.
[The stooges go up on the stretcher and they ride it inside the hospital]
MOE: Ready! Heave! Ho!
MOE: Turn right at the next corner.
STOOGES: Right. Right. Right. Right.
[The stooges turn the stretcher to the right at the end of the hallway. They knock into some guy in a wheelchair. The stooges fall out of the stretcher]
[The stooges get up]
MOE: [to the guy in the wheelchair] What's the idea of going through a Boulevard stop?
LARRY: Look at our fender.
CURLY: Certainly. Where's your operator's license.
MOE: Why don't you say something?
CURLY: That's enough!
MOE: Just as I thought. Drunk driving. [to Larry] Give him a ticket.
LARRY: One way or round trip?
MOE: Make it a one way round trip--- [bonks Larry on the head] What do you want?
[We suddenly hear a woman talking on the speaker]
WOMAN ON SPEAKER: Calling Dr. Jones. Calling Dr. Jones.
LARRY: Hey, it's down there.
[The stooges run down to the end of the hall. They run up to the woman who is talking into the microphone]
WOMAN ON SPEAKER: Calling Dr. Jones. Calling Dr. Jones. Report to room 3-2-9. [leaves]
[The phones rings and Curly answers it]
CURLY: [on the phones] Yes. Yes yes. Yes.
MOE: What is it?
CURLY: A man wants to know what to do for inflammation.
MOE: Why call us? Tell him to dial "inflammation."
CURLY: [talks on the phones] You heard it. [Hangs up]
MOE: [talks into the microphones] Quiet. We're on the air--- [gets startled by his voice coming out of the speaker]
[Moe then takes a hammer and hits the three skulls on the desk. As he hits them, we hear a chiming sound. After he hits the third skull, he hits Curly's head]
MOE: Shh! [speaks on the microphone] Hello everybody. We just brought the moon over the mountain.
CURLY: Hello ma. Hello pa. It wasn't much of a fight. I stood like that, but not for long. I--- [Moe hits Curly on the head]
MOE: Quiet! [speaks on the microphones] This broadcast is coming to you through the courtesy of Brighto and its six delicious flavors. Chocolate, Vanilla, Cranberry, Strawberry---
[Cut to the hallway where we see doctors and nurses looking puzzled because of what they hear on the speaker]
CURLY: Or raspberry. [Moe slaps Curly] Ouch!
CURLY: It's still raspberry. Ehhh! [Moe bonks Curly on the head] Oh! Woo woo woo woo.
MOE: Now keep quiet or I'll sock ya again.
LARRY: [talks on the microphone] Are ya listenin? Ba ba ba boo. Ba ba ba boo. Ba ba ba---
[Moe hits Larry on the head]
MOE: Quiet! [speaks on the microphone] Now don't go away, ladies and gentlemen. We'll soon be with you.
STOOGES: [the stooges talk on the microphone] Zeez, boom. Cuckoo!!
[The stooges yell "Brighto" in the hallway as they enter one of the rooms where the patient is. Inside the room is a nurse and patient who is sound asleep]
NURSE: Shhh! Don't wake him. He's been asleep eighty seven days.
CURLY: Hmm. What a catnap!
MOE: [to Curly] See if he's playing possum. [to the nurse] You know, they will do that once in a while.
[Curly takes a stethoscope and listens to the patient's heart. Rather than hearing a heartbeat, we hear a busy phone line.]
MOE: What is it?
CURLY: The line's busy.
MOE: Oh busy!
[Moe pulls the end of the stethoscope and lets go so it hits Curly in the face]
[Moe pulls the stethoscope out of Curly's ear and we hear a popping sound]
MOE: Now you're disconnected.
CURLY: [talks on the end of the stethoscope] Excuse it please. Give me back my nickel.
MOE: Here's five. [slaps Curly]
[Curly growls and barks at Moe]
MOE: [to Larry] Get a bottle.
[Moe pulls the patients mouth open while Larry pours the bottle of Brighto in. The patient awakes]
CURLY: Look he's awake.
MOE: Yes, he's awake.
SLEEPING PATIENT: Why you idiots. I've been trying to beat Rip Van Wrinkle's record. I want to go to sleep. Put me to sleep.
MOE: Boys, put!!
[Moe and Larry take a hammer and knock the patient out. They put a sign on top of the patient that says "Quiet- Do not disturb"]
CURLY: Nighty night!
MOE: [looks off-camera] Oh another patient.
[The stooges walk up to the next patient]
MOE: [to the patient] Take that scowl off your face. [to the nurse] What's the matter with him?
NURSE: Oh, he's got dandruff.
CURLY: Hmm. [sticks his head near the patient's stomach to listen]
MOE: Dandruff? So uh--- [turns around and grabs Curly's head. He then slaps it] Get up out of there.
MOE: [to the patient] Stick out your tongue.
DANDRUFF PATIENT: [sticks out tongue] Ahh!!
MOE: Not at her. At me. Now hold it.
MOE: [looks through a pair of binoculars] Ah! A coat!
CURLY: Where's the vest?
MOE: See that? [shows a fist]
CURLY: Yeah! [hits Curly on the head] Oh!
MOE: Get out!
LARRY: Don't worry pal. All you need is a treatment of our Brighto.
MOE: Yeah take a number from one to ten.
DANDRUFF PATIENT: Two!
MOE: Two bottles boys.
[The stooges put some Brighto on the patient's head. Curly hums while he rubs the patient's hair. All the hair on the patient falls off]
MOE: There you are son. You'll never be troubled with dandruff again.
CURLY: Or hair either.
[Larry climbs over the patient to get to other side of the room]
DANDRUFF PATIENT: Ohh!
NURSE: Oh you look much better.
[The stooges leave the room]
[Cut to the hallway. The stooges walk up to a door that has a sign that reads: "Dr. Harry Arms- Supt"]
MOE: This is the place. We'll see the head guy. He'll probably buy a whole stock.
MOE: [turns to Curly] Why didn't you think of that? [slaps Curly]
CURLY: [turns to Larry] Why didn't you think of that? [gets ready to slap Larry, but Larry slaps him instead] Mmm.
MOE: Come on!
[The stooges enter the office where we see Dr. Harry talking to his two attendants. Dr. Harry has his back turned to the stooges, so they don't see each other yet]
ATTENDANT: Yes sir, but---
HARRY: There's not buts about it! I'm the boss of this hospital---
MOE: [to Harry] Say boss, we've got an article here that's going to---
HARRY: Just a second!
HARRY: [to his attendants] And another thing, you fellas know---
CURLY: [to Harry] Say, what's all the fuss. We're in a hurry.
HARRY: [turns around] Quiet!! [turns around again and sees the stooges]
CURLY: Yehh!! Yehh!
[As Dr. Harry stands up, Moe eyepokes him and the stooges run away]
HARRY: Ohh!! Those were the birds that wrecked my car. Get 'em boys!
[Dr. Harry and his two attendants run out of the office to go after the stooges]
[Cut to an operating room. A man wheels in a stretcher covered up in a big blanket. One of the people in the room uncovers the blanket. The stooges are there on top of one another]
CURLY: Hmm. Woo! Woo! Woo!
[The stooges get off of the stretcher and under them is the patient]
CURLY: Get off!
MOE: Get out of here!
[The stooges push the patient off the stretcher. The stooges get up on the stretcher again and ride it out of the room.]
[Cut to the hallway. Harry and his two attendants are standing outside of the operating room looking for the stooges. The stooges ride there way out of the operating room. The door bursts open and the doors hit Harry and his attendants.]
MOE: Give her gas boys! Give her gas!
[The stooges ride around the hallway in circles as Harry and his two attendants run after them]
LARRY: They're gaining on us. More speed. More speed.
CURLY: I got it wide open.
MOE: Well, open it wider.
CURLY: I can't. I can't find the clutch. [Moe slaps Curly] Oh!!
[The stooges then ride out of the operating room in wheelchairs as Curly hums. Harry and his attendants continue to run after them.]
[The stooges now run on foot.]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo!
MOE: Come on.
[The stooges almost run into Harry and his attendants because they were running in opposite directions. They all quickly stop.]
HARRY: There they are boys! Get 'em. Come on!
[The stooges run to the other end of the hall as Harry and the attendants continue to chase after them]
[Harry and his attendants turn back and run past the operating room. As they run past the room, a stretcher wheels out of the room by itself causing Harry and his two attendants to fall. The stooges run out of the operating room, they see them on the floor, and they run to the end of the hall in fright.]
[When the stooges run to the end of the hall, Curly runs to the left side while Moe and Larry run to the right side. Moe whistles at him]
[Curly walks down to the right side of the hallway singing as he follows Moe and Larry.]
[The stooges run towards an elevator.]
MOE: Quick! The elevator.
LARRY: The elevator.
[The elevator opens and Harry and the attendants run out.]
[The stooges run into the elevator. Harry and the attendants run into the elevator to go after the stooges. The stooges quickly exit the elevator and close the door on them. Curly bends down and Moe stands up on him. Moe turns the hand on top of the elevator. The hand is supposed to tell you which floor the elevator is on. Moe turns that hand all the way to the top floor. Moe gets off of Curly]
MOE: Come on! Let's go!
[The stooges hop onto a stretcher and ride out of the hospital. Curly does his "woo woo" as they ride.]
MOE: Come on boys!
[Cut to outside where we see the stooges continue riding the stretcher. Curly still continues his "woo woo." The stooges ride down the street. Cars quickly jam on their brakes to avoid running into the stooges. As the stooges ride down the street, they accidentally hit a traffic cop.]
TRAFFIC COP: Ouch!! [falls to the ground]
[The stooges continue riding down the street and they crash into a car. The car flips sideways.]
[The stooges get up.]
CURLY: What happened?
MOE: You went wide on the last turn, I ought to---
CAR DRIVER: Hey! What's the big idea?
[The stooges run away as Curly continues his "woo woo." They jump into their apartments through the window. They land on their bed and it collapses. They cover themselves up in their blankets and sleep. The scene ends.]