Transcription by xraffle:
[The short opens up in the kitchen. Shemp's wife is cooking hotcakes on the stove. Moe and Larry enter.]
MOE: Good morning, Petunia!
SHEMP'S WIFE: Good morning!
MOE: Where's my wife?
SHEMP'S WIFE: Oh, she went shopping with Larry's wife.
LARRY: How's Shemp feeling?
SHEMP'S WIFE: Not so good. He had a bad night.
MOE: Oh that's a shame.
[Moe and Larry sit down at the table]
MOE: Ahh! Nice hotcakes.
LARRY: Mmm. [grabs some hotcakes] Yummy yummy. A little butter.
[Larry takes the whole butter and places it on the hotcake. He then takes another hotcake, puts it on top of the butter and smashes it with his hand]
LARRY: [grabs some syrup] Oh some syrup. [sees ketchup on the table] Well well ketchup, my favorite fruit. Hahaha.
[Larry spreads ketchup all over his hotcakes]
LARRY: [sees the mustard on the table] Oh mustard! My lucky day. Haha. [spreads mustard all over his hotcakes]
[Larry picks up the bottle of whip cream]
LARRY: What's that? Whip cream. Oh! [spreads the whip cream all over his hotcakes]
[Larry looks around the table for some beer, but doesn't find any]
LARRY: If I only had some beer.
MOE: Beer with hotcakes?
LARRY: It's delicious.
MOE: Oh haha. Say, you know it's funny. None of the doctors seem to be able to help Shemp.
LARRY: My friend, Claude, could cure Shemp like nothing. He can do anything. While we were in school, he cured all the pupils there.
MOE: What school? [starts drinking his cup of coffee]
LARRY: The reform school.
[Moe spits out the coffee he drank. It splashes all over Larry's face. Larry takes his napkin and wipes his face]
LARRY: Look, lemme show ya. [walks up to Moe to show him Claude's card] I got his card right here. Listen to me, will ya Moe. Look.
[The camera shows us the card that reads: "Claude A. Quaker, L.B.S….F.O.B….N.U.T.Z., Health Restorer and Advisor. 214 E. 5th St., P.U. 3411"]
MOE: [reading the card] Claude A. Quaker, L.B.S. F.O.B. N.U.T.Z., Health Restorer and Advisor. 214 East 5th St., Phone, P.U. 3411
LARRY: You see. Lemme go get him. He'll cure Shemp like that. [snaps finger]
MOE: Are you sure?
LARRY: I'm positive.
MOE: Only fools are positive.
LARRY: Are you sure?
MOE: I'm positive.
[Larry walks away and leaves. As Larry walks away, Moe does a double take. He grabs some hotcakes and throws it at Larry.]
MOE: Get outta here.
SHEMP'S WIFE: Moe.
MOE: Yes. [walks up to Shemp's wife]
SHEMP'S WIFE: Shemp has got to eat something. Will you cook this hotcake while I go and get him?
[Moe takes the pan and starts flipping the hotcake. As he flips it, the hotcake gets thrown up too high and it gets stuck in the ceiling.]
MOE: [to Shemp's wife as she leaves] Hurry back.
[Moe looks around to see where the hotcake went. He looks up and the hotcake falls from the ceiling and hits him in the face.]
[Dissolve to the kitchen. Moe, Larry and Shemp are at the breakfast table]
SHEMP: I have no appetite.
SHEMP'S WIFE: Eat at least two of those or I'll never speak to you again.
SHEMP: Ok, but no syrup.
MOE: Ok, no syrup.
[Shemp takes some hotcakes. Shemp's wife puts makeup on face with a powder puff. When she finishes, she accidentally places the powder puff on the plate of hotcakes.]
MOE: You know, these hotcakes are delicious this morning.
SHEMP: They sure are. They're as light as a feather.
[Shemp grabs the powder puff thinking it's a hotcake]
SHEMP'S WIFE: Thank you dear!
SHEMP: I didn't think I'd be hungry today. But I sure am.
[Shemp starts chewing the powder puff. He is having a hard time, so he chews hard]
SHEMP'S WIFE: That's a nice boy. Chew it all up good.
[Shemp starts moving his jaw with his hand as he chews. He then bonks his head four times.]
[Shemp gulps down the powder puff. He then pats his back and then pats his chest. He shakes his throat.]
MOE: You know Shemp, Larry is bringing his friend Claude over here to cure you. What do you say to that?
[Shemp starts coughing powder. So, he covers his mouth and the powder comes out of his ears]
SHEMP'S WIFE: Oh Shemp!
[The scene ends]
[A new scene begins inside of a living room; Moe and Larry are worriedly walking around in circles and eventually almost bump into each other. The Stooges' wives are sitting down and watching]
[The door to a bedroom opens and Claude enters; Moe and Larry run over to him]
MOE: Tell me, how is he, Claude?
CLAUDE: [holding a bottle of sleeping pills] I gave him one of these sleeping pills about ten minutes ago. That's the best thing in the world for him, rest and sleep.
SHEMP'S WIFE: But don't you think we ought to call a doctor?
CLAUDE: Why throw money away? I can take care of Shemp better than any doctor.
MOE: Sure he can!
CLAUDE: [handing Moe the bottle] Just follow the directions until I get back. I'm gonna get my doctor book. We'll have Shemp as good as new. [leaves]
MOE: Sure! [reading the instructions on the bottle] "Take one pill, wait fifteeen minutes, then take a second pill."
LARRY: Hey, it's time for the second pill. Fifteen minutes.
MOE: Right, let's go.
[Moe and Larry walk towards the bedroom]
MOE: [to Shemp's wife] Now don't worry about everything. Everything will be all--- [bumps into the wall] Oh! [to the wife] Now, don't worry!
[Moe and Larry enter the bedroom; Shemp is snoring under the covers of the bed]
LARRY: [to Moe] Shh!
[Moe and Larry look at Shemp under the covers]
MOE: Aw, he's sleepin' like a baby. It's a shame to disturb him!
LARRY: Yeah, but he's gotta take his second pill so he can sleep!
MOE: Maybe you got somethin' there!
[Moe opens the top of the blankets expecting to see Shemp's head, but sees Shemp's feet instead]
MOE: Okay, kid, we--- [does a double take]
[Moe and Larry go to the other end of the covers and open it, revealing Shemp's head]
MOE: [dragging Shemp out of the bed] C'mon! C'mon, Shemp! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon!
MOE: Get up. You gotta take a pill!
SHEMP: [still half-asleep] What, again???
MOE: Yeah, again! [handing Shemp a pill] Here.
[Shemp puts the pill in his mouth]
MOE: [handing Shemp a glass of water] C'mon.
[Shemp drinks the water down]
MOE: Down the hatch!
[Shemp hands Moe back the glass of water after he swallows the pill]
SHEMP: [walking towards the bed] Aw, lemme get back to---
MOE: [grabbing him back] Oh, not so fast! You gotta follow instructions. Now that you've taken a pill, you gotta skip an hour. [to Larry] Get him the rope! [grabs the rope himself and hands it to Shemp] Here, take that! Now skip!
[Shemp begins literally skipping away with his feet]
MOE: [grabbing him back] Hey, hey, hey!! C'mon! [puts each end of the rope in Shemp's hands] Here, one in each hand.
MOE: Start skippin'!
[Shemp begins jump roping]
SHEMP: [walking back towards the bed] That's that---
LARRY: [pushing him back] No, no! We'll let you know when the hour's up!
[Moe and Larry lay down on the bed as Shemp continues jump roping. When Shemp sees that Moe and Larry are asleep, he stops jump roping and walks towards the bed]
SHEMP: Well, that's that!
MOE AND LARRY: [suddenly awakening] Skip!!!!!
SHEMP: Cut it out, fellas! You'll wake me up! [continues to jump rope, then trips and falls on the floor]
[Dissolve to the Claude entering the bedroom and notices all the Stooges sleeping]
[The Stooges suddenly awake and Shemp quickly continues jump roping]
CLAUDE: [stopping Shemp] What's the big idea?!
MOE: He's following the instructions on the bottle!
LARRY: Yeah, it says "Take two pills, and skip an hour."
CLAUDE: Ya dopes! That means to wait an hour before you give him his next pill!
LARRY: [to Moe] Now he tells us!
CLAUDE: I've got my doctor book right here. [grabs Shemp by the arm and walks over to the bed] I'll have his case diagnosed in nothing flat! [to Shemp] You sit right down there.
[Shemp and Claude sit down on the bed, and Moe and Larry crawl behind them]
[Claude takes a hammer and taps Shemp's knee with it. Shemp yawns, but his leg does nothing. Claude taps Shemp's knee again and nothing happens. Claude looks at Moe and Larry in confusion. Then when he's about to tap Shemp's knee once more, Shemp's leg finally reflexes. Claude holds Shemp's head and looks inside his mouth]
SHEMP: What is it, doc???
[Claude pulls up Shemp's shirt a little bit and looks at his side]
CLAUDE: He's got a rash! [pointing to his book] It tells ya right here, a rash may be caused by excessive use of the gray matter of the brain.
MOE: Oh, it must be something else.
SHEMP: Sure! It can't be that!
CLAUDE: It also says, a rash may be caused by a bad tooth.
LARRY: You got somethin' there!
CLAUDE: Let's have a look. [opens Shemp's mouth and moves his fingers against the teeth]
CLAUDE: None of 'em came out, yet! [grabs a hammer, then looks in Shemp's mouth again] Here, open wide.
[Shemp opens his mouth further; Claude taps his hammer on one tooth on the right side, making a high pitched dinging sound]
SHEMP: Ohh! Ugh!
[Claude taps another tooth around the center, making another high pitched sound]
[Claude taps a tooth on the left side, making a louder and more painful dinging sound]
CLAUDE: Aha! That's the one!
SHEMP: [holding his tooth in pain] Are you tellin' me!
CLAUDE: [to Larry] Get me a piece of strong string!
[Larry walks off-camera]
SHEMP: What are gonna do, doc?!
CLAUDE: I'm gonna pull that bad tooth.
SHEMP: Is it gonna hoit?
CLAUDE: No, I don't think so.
[Larry returns with a string]
LARRY: [handing the string to Claude] Here's the string.
[Claude begins tying the string to Shemp's bad tooth]
MOE: Tie a nice sailor's knot!
MOE: Got it around?
[Claude gets up and begins walking towards the window, while pulling on the other end of the string]
CLAUDE: [to Shemp] Follow me.
[Shemp gets up and quickly follows Claude, followed by Moe and Larry. They arrive at the window]
MOE: [pushing Shemp down into a chair] Sit down!
[Claude ties the end of the string to a string for the blinds]
CLAUDE: [to Shemp] All set?
SHEMP: [mumbling] Mmmm---
[Claude pulls the blinds up, causing the string to yank Shemp's tooth]
SHEMP: [painfully] Mmmm!!!
[The blinds fall down and hit the top of Claude's head]
MOE: [to Shemp] Easy kid!
SHEMP: Mmm! Mmmm! Ohhh!!
MOE: Quiet! [to Larry] Larry, untie that line!
[Larry unties the end of Shemp's tooth string from the blind string]
MOE: We'll do it the old, reliable way. [walks towards a door while pulling Shemp's tooth string] C'mon.
SHEMP: Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
MOE: Take it easy, kid! [begins tying the end of Shemp's tooth string to a doorknob] We'll have that thing out before you can say "Ticonderoga." If you can say "Ticonderoga"! [pushing Shemp back] Now back up just a little bit. Okay, sonny boy?
MOE: Ready, hup!
[Moe slams the door shut, but instead of the doorknob pulling Shemp's tooth out, the doorknob ends up getting pulled out instead]
SHEMP: Mmm. Mmm. Ohh! Oh!! Oh!! Ohh--- [sees the doorknob hanging at the end of his tooth string] Oh, what a tooth! No wonder it was killin' me!
MOE: You nitwit! That's the doorknob!
SHEMP: Oh, yeah???
MOE: [pushing Shemp's arm away] C'mon!
[The end of the string with the doorknob tied to it flies up and hits Claude in the eye]
MOE: [to Shemp] Why, you imbecile! All we're tryin' to do is give ya a hand here so you can get outta---
[Claude angrily yanks the end of the string with the doorknob, causing the other end of the string to pull out Shemp's tooth, and pulling him into a chair]
SHEMP: Whoa! Oh!! Ohh!!
[Moe and Larry lift Shemp back up]
SHEMP: I'm dead! I'm tired! He shot me! Get a doctor! Do somethin'!
MOE: Oh, quiet, pickle-puss! All he did was pull your tooth!
SHEMP: Is that all? [sees Claude holding the string with his tooth at the end of it] Thanks, I feel like a million bucks!
[Shemp suddenly falls over, but Moe and Larry catch him]
CLAUDE: You'll soon be a well man, especially if you go away for a couple of weeks.
MOE: Yeah, we'll go--- Wait a minute! We haven't got a car!
CLAUDE: Ah, you lucky people! I've got a car. It isn't exactly brand new, but it's in perfect condition.
LARRY: How much?
CLAUDE: I'll let ya steal it from me for nine hundred bucks.
MOE: We'll take it!
CLAUDE: Fine, I'll have it here in the morning. And to show you I'm a right guy, I'll letcha have my camping outfit. I'll bring it over tonight. [leaves]
MOE: That's whatcha call a real pal!
LARRY: Yeah, we can camp near a lake and catch all the fish we can eat! You know, fish is great brain food.
MOE: You know, you should fish for a whale! [slaps Larry] Get outta here!
[Shemp unconsciously falls back into a chair]
MOE: Hey, Larry! Shemp passed out! Get some water!
SHEMP: [suddenly comes back to] No, champagne! [closes his eyes again]
MOE AND LARRY: [grabbing Shemp's hair] C'mon!
MOE: Shemp! Shemp! Hey Shemp! [to Larry] He's out cold. Run and ask Claude what we should do.
MOE: Poor kid, I'd better open his clothes. Give him a little air. [opens Shemp's pajamas] How do you like that? A bullet proof vest!
[The scene ends a new scene begins in the kitchen. Shemp is sitting down on the chair while Moe pulls up the trousers of Shemp's pajamas. Larry walks in with a bucket of water.]
LARRY: Be ready in a jiffy Shemp. And tomorrow we're taking you on a nice camping trip.
[Larry grabs ice from freezer]
LARRY: Oh, live lobsters. Yummy yum yum. Tomorrow, we'll sure have a feast. Hahahaha.
[Larry walks over to the sink and leaves the bucket of water by the open refrigerator. One of the lobsters falls into the bucket.]
MOE: Hurry up, Larry. His veins are getting tight.
LARRY: Comin' up. [puts ice in the bucket]
[Larry closes the refrigerator and brings the bucket of water over to Shemp]
MOE: [to Shemp] Claude says this'll be good to quiet your nerves.
[Shemp puts his foot into the bucket of water]
SHEMP: Oh whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! It's cold. [removes his foot from the bucket] Whoa whoa whoa! Ow, it's cold.
LARRY: [grabs Shemp's foot and puts it back into the bucket] Oh you sissy, get in there.
SHEMP: Oh whoa whoa! [we hear a biting sound] Oww!! Oww! Let's go! Something has got me. Ow! Ow! Ow!
[Shemp removes his foot from the bucket and a lobster is caught on his foot]
SHEMP: Ow! Oh whoa whoa! Let go! An octopus got me. An octopus!!
LARRY: How'd you get in there? [tries to pull the lobster off of Shemp's foot]
SHEMP: Oh ah! Oh ah! Oh!
[Moe grabs a big hammer]
MOE: Outta my way. I'll mash him like an eggshell. Put your foot down, Shemp. That a boy! Hold still now.
[Larry walks behind Moe. As Moe takes a swing with the hammer, he hits Larry in the head with the hammer.]
[Moe then hits the lobster]
SHEMP: Ohh! Oh my foot's sweet lovable toe. Ow ow ow ow! Ah ha ha ow!
[As Shemp jumps up and down yelling "ow," Moe and Larry start dancing]
SHEMP: [As Moe and Larry dance] Ow ow ow ow ow ow!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins where we see the Stooges and their wives setting up the camping equipment on the floor in the living room]
LARRY: Hey, Moe?
LARRY: Don't you think we oughta practice puttin' this tent up before we leave?
MOE: I think you got something there, porcupine!
SHEMP: Let's ask Claude how to do it.
MOE: Nonsense! I know all about tents. Let's go!
[The Stooges begin setting the tent up]
SHEMP: I used to be a boy scout!
MOE: Raise that pole! Lift that tent!
[The Stooges raise the pole and the tent]
LARRY: Further! Further!
[Moe looks at Larry angrily, then pushes the pole in Larry's face]
LARRY: Ooh! Oh, a wiseguy! [pushes the pole into Moe's face]
MOE: Ooh! Remind me to murder you later!
[The Stooges continue to set the tent up]
MOE: Get it up, boy! [holding one end of the tent up] Gimme the other pole, Shemp!
[Shemp walks up to Moe with the pole]
MOE: Right under my arm here.
SHEMP: Right under the arm, I'll get it.
MOE: Right up here!
SHEMP: Watch your arm! [places the pole on Moe's end of the tent] How was that?
MOE: Pretty good.
MOE: [to his wife] Narcissus!
[Moe's wife comes over]
MOE: Hold this pole. [to Shemp] Alright, tie it off, dummy! [pushes Shemp away]
SHEMP: Alright, I'll tie it off!
[Shemp ties one end of the tent to the leg of a table; Moe ties another end to a lamp; Larry ties the last end to the doorknob to the closed bedroom door; The tent is now fully put up]
[Larry's wife opens the bedroom door from outside, pulling the tent down]
MOE'S WIFE: Aaahhh!!!
[The middle of the tent caves in and Moe and Shemp's wives falls down. Then the lamp is pulled down and knocks Moe's head]
[The table leg is pulled, causing a vase to fall of the table and on Shemp's head]
LARRY: [to his wife] Next time you come in, knock first - - and then don't come in!
[Larry's wife angrily walks back into the bedroom]
LARRY: [following her] And furthermore, I'll tell you---
[Larry's wife slams the bedroom door into Larry's face]
[Shemp and Moe help Shemp's wife out from under the tent]
SHEMP: Honey, what are you doin' under there???
[Shemp's wife slaps him]
MOE: [to Shemp's wife] Say, he's my brother!
SHEMP'S WIFE: Yeah, well he's my husband! [slaps Moe]
MOE'S WIFE: [to Shemp's wife] Wait a minute! He's my husband! [slaps Moe]
LARRY: [stepping in] Girls, girls---
[Moe and Shemp's wives slap Larry on back of the head]
MOE: What are ya playin' around about?! C'mon, get this tent up! C'mon hold her up!
[The Stooges begin stetting the tent back up]
[Dissolve to Claude driving an old looking car in front of the Stooges' house, then stopping]
[The Stooges exit the house with luggage and fishing gear in their arms. They stop when they see Claude's car]
MOE: Oh, boy, a super-deluxe special!
SHEMP: Yeah, and all trimmed with chromomium.
[Claude walks up to the Stooges]
CLAUDE: Well, boys, there she is!
LARRY: Yeah, but what is it???
CLAUDE: A Columbus.
SHEMP: Never mind who you bought it from. What make is that?
CLAUDE: I told you, a Columbus!
MOE: I thought he came over in a boat.
CLAUDE: Ha, ha! Don't you worry about a thing! Well, I gotta get breakfast. See ya before you take off. [leaves]
SHEMP: Alright, fellas, let's get loaded.
LARRY: Wait a minute, you know I don't drink!
MOE: [hits Larry on back of the head with a fishing pole] Go on, "Muscle Bound"! Go on!
[The Stooges walk up to the car. Shemp and Larry go on one side, and Moe goes on the other]
MOE: Hurry up; we gotta get started!
[Shemp throws one suitcase into the car, but it slides out to the other side and hits Moe on the head]
MOE: OH! [turning to Shemp and Larry] Why---
[Shemp throws another bag in the car, and it slides out and hits Moe again]
MOE: Oh! Hey, fellas!
[Shemp and Larry run towards the other side of the car to Moe]
SHEMP: He must've found the road map!
[Shemp and Larry arrive]
LARRY: Yeah, what is it?
[Moe double-slaps Shemp and Larry]
MOE: What are ya tryin' to do, ruin the baggage?!
[A tire on the car deflates and makes a hissing sound]
MOE: [to Shemp] What are ya hissin' me for?
SHEMP: I'm not hissin' you, but it's not a bad idea!
MOE: [raising his arm] Why--- [notices the tire deflating] How do ya like that? A flat tire! Get the jack and take the wheel off; I'll get the spare!
[Moe walks to the back of the car as Shemp and Larry get the jack]
LARRY: [handing Shemp a wheel screwdriver] Here you are. Here.
[Larry begins lifting the wheel with the jack as Shemp begins unscrewing the tire]
[Moe is having trouble unhooking the spare tire on back of the car]
MOE: Hmm, stubborn, eh?
[Shemp pulls the screwdriver too hard and accidentally hits Larry's head with it]
SHEMP: Oh, I'm sorry.
[Larry hits Shemp on the head with a tire iron]
SHMEP: Ooh! Ooh!
LARRY: Careful, would ya?!
MOE: Hey, quit monkeyin' around, you guys!
[Shemp and Larry begin to take the wheel off]
LARRY: There! Ha, ha, ha!
[Shemp and Larry have trouble getting the wheel past the jack]
LARRY: What'll we do now???
SHEMP: I wonder how they got the tire on.
[Moe takes the spare tire off the back of the car and walks over to Shemp and Larry]
MOE: [places the spare tire behind Shemp] What seems to be the trouble?
SHEMP: We can't get the tire past the jack!
MOE: Why, you nitwits! [pulling Shemp up by the ear] Get up outta there!
SHEMP: Ohh! Ohhh!!!
MOE: You wanna get hurt? Let a man do it that knows how! You gotta use your brain! All you do is give it one quick jerk!
[The jack falls off of the wheel and the wheel falls on top of Moe's foot, crunching it]
MOE: Ohh!! Oh, my foot. My foot is cut off! Help! Oh oh!!
[Shemp and Larry try to help Moe out]
SHEMP: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
MOE: That, that's it! Help me!
LARRY: Take it easy!
SHEMP: Is it out yet? Is it out?
SHEMP: Wait a minute, wait a minute. [grabbing a hatchet] Here, I'll chop it out!
MOE: Yeah--- [does a double-take] Wait a minute! [grabs the hatchet away and hits Shemp on the head with the back end] What's the matter with you?!
[Larry puts a tire iron under Moe's foot and tries to lift it, but the tire iron bends instead]
MOE: Get me out! Oh, my foot!
SHEMP: Hold steady, I'll get ya.
[Shemp and Larry finally pull Moe's foot out from under the tire.]
MOE: Oh, my toe! Look in these shoes for some toes!
SHEMP: How was it, pretty heavy?
MOE: [hits Shemp on the head] Quiet!
[Dissolve to the Stooges climbing into the car which is loaded with luggage]
SHEMP: [to Larry] Alright, you start the climb, kid.
[Larry gets in the car and climbs up to the top of the luggage load; the wives get in the car]
MOE: Okay, c'mon before the sun goes down.
SHEMP: [getting in the car] Oh, what fun, boys! [to Larry's wife] Look out for your hand there!
LARRY: Give her the gun, Moe. We're off!
[When the car starts, the engine begins backfiring and smoke comes out from under the hood. The car suddenly stops and the luggage load turns over, dropping Larry all the way to the ground]
[All the luggage falls on top of Larry]
LARRY: [buried under the luggage} Help help help!
[Moe and Shemp help Larry]
MOE: You girls, get out of the way. [picking up Larry] I'll get him up.
SHEMP: You and your pal Claude. [slaps Larry]
MOE: Yeah, he gypped us out of our dough and we're taking it out of your hive. [slaps Larry]
[Shemp slaps Larry]
SHEMP: Wait! Wait, hold it! The excitement cured me. I feel fine.
MOE: Oh we're sorry Larry. We apologize.
LARRY: Oh that's alright.
[Larry grabs Moe and Shemp by their hair and bumps their heads together]
MOE AND LARRY: Oh!
[Larry bumps Moe and Shemp's heads together again]
MOE AND LARRY: Oh!
[Larry bumps Moe and Shemp's heads together again]
MOE AND LARRY: Oh!
[Larry tries to bump Moe and Shemp's head together again, but he accidentally bumps their heads against his]
[The stooges get knocked out and the scene ends]